Lesson Learned

[Virginian]

This happened to me about two weeks ago but I didn't think about sharing it because... well, it's embarrassing. My pain is your gain. It's a somewhat funny story.

It was about 1am on a weeknight, and I was finally on my way to bed. My wife was in bed next to me reading. I reach into my drawer for my chapstick and bump one of my pairs of handcuffs. Thinking I'd be a funny guy, I pick them up and hide them under the blanket. I wasn't sure if I'd picked up the fake pair with the release switch or the Peerless set, but I was pretty sure they were fake. Just to be safe, I made sure my key was in the drawer as well.

I then grabbed my wife's wrist and locked one cuff to her, and quickly latched the other cuff to my boxers. I laughed like an idiot for a good minute while she rolled her eyes and smiled to humor me. After a minute of "haha, you're locked to my boxers" I went to find the latch on the cuffs to undo them. Hmmm... no latch. Guess I grabbed the real set.

I got the cuff key out of my drawer and went to use it... "thunk."

Weird.

"thunk thunk thunk." Hmmm... my key doesn't fit, that doesn't make sense. I looked closer at the cuffs... and then my blood ran cold. I had grabbed the old as hell cuffs given to me by my wife's grandfather. The metal post was too big to go into the hole at the end of a standard cuff key, so that key was not going in there.

I had no key to these cuffs.

Shit.

I went through all the junk in my drawer in record time, and nothing even looking like another key was there. I had to cut my favorite boxers off. I then went on a desperate naked search for a small screwdriver or piece of metal, knowing basically how cuffs work, but still panicking that these weird cuffs might not work the same way. Got a collection of metal junk from various drawers and tool chests, and nervously imagined having to use my Dremel to cut the things off my now slightly irritated wife.

I dropped my metal offerings on the bed and went in search of more promising objects and the metal cutting disc for the Dremel. I was cussing pretty much nonstop thinking of the potential for an embarrassing trip to the ER if the cuff clicked further and cut off her circulation (old cuffs, double locking not available).

The paperclip did it. Wife let herself out, and rolled over to go to sleep. I was up for another hour trying to come down from the adrenaline high.

Moral of the story - 1am is not a time for poorly planned jokes. Also, beware of chicks with paperclips that you lock up.

[gozling]

and.......

you got laid right??????

lol

*runs off and hides*

[Virginian]

I was just happy I didn't get laid out

[conalabu]

What you get for trying to use the same sorry kinky tricks on your wife that you tried to use on Monster Mash.

[Virginian]

What you get for trying to use the same sorry kinky tricks on your wife that you tried to use on Monster Mash.

You. Bastard.

[phoenixrose]

I was just happy I didn't get laid out

LOL..great story.
I would never have been able to roll over and go to sleep.
I would have hunted up the fake cuffs....and....ummmmmm..okay, never mind.


Thanks for sharing. Loved it.

[keith720]

I'm married to a woman of Romanian-Gypsy ancestry. I'd have been afraid to go to sleep after that!

[carolina]

That was funny! Thanks for sharing, those lessons learned can humble you sometimes. I'll have to admit that cuff thing sounds intriguing.

[Buttercup]

I was just happy I didn't get laid out

Poor Mrs. Virginian, she must have the patience of a saint.

[jmur5074]

You dork

[Piggybank Cop]

It's when she rolls over and picks up the Glock; and you're standing there sans boxers.

[Jackalope]

This is why you should always sleep necked. Of course, if you had been, I'm afraid to think of what you would have cuffed her to instead.

[jmur5074]

This is why you should always sleep necked. Of course, if you had been, I'm afraid to think of what you would have cuffed her to instead.

ouch

That smarts

[Trojan 42]

This is why you should always sleep necked. Of course, if you had been, I'm afraid to think of what you would have cuffed her to instead.

Don't be ridiculous. Cuffs don't lock onto anything that small.

[Virginian]

Don't be ridiculous. Cuffs don't lock onto anything that small.

Trojan! I'm right HERE!

[10-96]

Now Mr V., one has to wonder how Mrs V. developed the skills for getting herself out of cuffs with a paperclip. Never mind, just lucky try I guess

[Virginian]

Now Mr V., one has to wonder how Mrs V. developed the skills for getting herself out of cuffs with a paperclip. Never mind, just lucky try I guess

Add that to my "reasons to never do that again" list

[phoenixrose]

Don't be ridiculous. Cuffs don't lock onto anything that small.

I am SOOOO gonna like this site.

[Willowdared]

V - you are such a dork!

Stick to velvet ropes - they don't chafe.

[Virginian]

I may need some visual aids, it sounds complicated

And conalabu, I said "visual aids" not AIDS. But thanks anyhow, crack whore.