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Thread: Lesson Learned

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    Virginian's Avatar
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    Lesson Learned

    This happened to me about two weeks ago but I didn't think about sharing it because... well, it's embarrassing. My pain is your gain. It's a somewhat funny story.

    It was about 1am on a weeknight, and I was finally on my way to bed. My wife was in bed next to me reading. I reach into my drawer for my chapstick and bump one of my pairs of handcuffs. Thinking I'd be a funny guy, I pick them up and hide them under the blanket. I wasn't sure if I'd picked up the fake pair with the release switch or the Peerless set, but I was pretty sure they were fake. Just to be safe, I made sure my key was in the drawer as well.

    I then grabbed my wife's wrist and locked one cuff to her, and quickly latched the other cuff to my boxers. I laughed like an idiot for a good minute while she rolled her eyes and smiled to humor me. After a minute of "haha, you're locked to my boxers" I went to find the latch on the cuffs to undo them. Hmmm... no latch. Guess I grabbed the real set.

    I got the cuff key out of my drawer and went to use it... "thunk."

    Weird.

    "thunk thunk thunk." Hmmm... my key doesn't fit, that doesn't make sense. I looked closer at the cuffs... and then my blood ran cold. I had grabbed the old as hell cuffs given to me by my wife's grandfather. The metal post was too big to go into the hole at the end of a standard cuff key, so that key was not going in there.

    I had no key to these cuffs.

    Shit.

    I went through all the junk in my drawer in record time, and nothing even looking like another key was there. I had to cut my favorite boxers off. I then went on a desperate naked search for a small screwdriver or piece of metal, knowing basically how cuffs work, but still panicking that these weird cuffs might not work the same way. Got a collection of metal junk from various drawers and tool chests, and nervously imagined having to use my Dremel to cut the things off my now slightly irritated wife.

    I dropped my metal offerings on the bed and went in search of more promising objects and the metal cutting disc for the Dremel. I was cussing pretty much nonstop thinking of the potential for an embarrassing trip to the ER if the cuff clicked further and cut off her circulation (old cuffs, double locking not available).

    The paperclip did it. Wife let herself out, and rolled over to go to sleep. I was up for another hour trying to come down from the adrenaline high.

    Moral of the story - 1am is not a time for poorly planned jokes. Also, beware of chicks with paperclips that you lock up.

  2. #2
    gozling's Avatar
    gozling is offline the gene pool could use a little chlorine
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    and.......

    you got laid right??????

    lol

    *runs off and hides*
    http://www.allpoetry.com/Grunts%20Girl

    We dallied under
    Vine maples and sapling alders
    Searched for lady slippers
    But instead
    Found blackberry riots and
    Desiccated branches

    An old skid road
    Brought ghost ferns and
    Hollows filled with
    Skunk cabbage
    While waves wrapped
    Intricate lacings of weeds
    'Round mule spinners

    His cyanotic eyes
    Were hard enough to make
    The sun turn tail and
    Tender enough to attract me
    To his world of illusion

  3. #3
    Virginian's Avatar
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    I was just happy I didn't get laid out

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    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    What you get for trying to use the same sorry kinky tricks on your wife that you tried to use on Monster Mash.
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  5. #5
    Virginian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conalabu View Post
    What you get for trying to use the same sorry kinky tricks on your wife that you tried to use on Monster Mash.
    You. Bastard.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Virginian View Post
    I was just happy I didn't get laid out

    LOL..great story.
    I would never have been able to roll over and go to sleep.
    I would have hunted up the fake cuffs....and....ummmmmm..okay, never mind.


    Thanks for sharing. Loved it.
    phoenixrose
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If the sex scene doesn't make you want to do it - whatever it is they're doing - it hasn't been written right.~~~Sloan Wilson
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "WHAT canary?"

  7. #7
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    I'm married to a woman of Romanian-Gypsy ancestry. I'd have been afraid to go to sleep after that!
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

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    That was funny! Thanks for sharing, those lessons learned can humble you sometimes. I'll have to admit that cuff thing sounds intriguing.


    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. - Leo Buscaglia

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    Quote Originally Posted by Virginian View Post
    I was just happy I didn't get laid out

    Poor Mrs. Virginian, she must have the patience of a saint.




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    You dork
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

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    It's when she rolls over and picks up the Glock; and you're standing there sans boxers.

    We are the thin blue line
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    and all the money in the world.

    And no you can't have any.

  12. #12
    Jackalope's Avatar
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    This is why you should always sleep necked. Of course, if you had been, I'm afraid to think of what you would have cuffed her to instead.
    "I'm not a coward,
    I've just never been tested
    I'd like to think that if I was,
    I would pass"
    ~Mighty Mighty Bosstones~

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jackalope View Post
    This is why you should always sleep necked. Of course, if you had been, I'm afraid to think of what you would have cuffed her to instead.
    ouch

    That smarts
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jackalope View Post
    This is why you should always sleep necked. Of course, if you had been, I'm afraid to think of what you would have cuffed her to instead.
    Don't be ridiculous. Cuffs don't lock onto anything that small.
    To be born an Englishman, is to be a winner in the Lottery of Life.



    I've Talked the Talk and I've Walked the Walk, now I Sit the Sit!

    It's not until you look at an Ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they burst into flames for no reason!

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    Virginian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trojan 42 View Post
    Don't be ridiculous. Cuffs don't lock onto anything that small.
    Trojan! I'm right HERE!


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    Now Mr V., one has to wonder how Mrs V. developed the skills for getting herself out of cuffs with a paperclip. Never mind, just lucky try I guess

  17. #17
    Virginian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 10-96 View Post
    Now Mr V., one has to wonder how Mrs V. developed the skills for getting herself out of cuffs with a paperclip. Never mind, just lucky try I guess
    Add that to my "reasons to never do that again" list

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trojan 42 View Post
    Don't be ridiculous. Cuffs don't lock onto anything that small.




    I am SOOOO gonna like this site.
    phoenixrose
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If the sex scene doesn't make you want to do it - whatever it is they're doing - it hasn't been written right.~~~Sloan Wilson
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "WHAT canary?"

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    V - you are such a dork!

    Stick to velvet ropes - they don't chafe.
    Molly Weasley makes Chuck Norris eat his vegetables.

    Do not puff, shade, skew, tailor, firm up, stretch, massage,
    or otherwise distort statements of fact.
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  20. #20
    Virginian's Avatar
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    I may need some visual aids, it sounds complicated

    And conalabu, I said "visual aids" not AIDS. But thanks anyhow, crack whore.

 

 
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