In line with the Holiday PC thread, I'll share this:

The Special Time Of The Year That I May
Believe In Knowing
Full Well You May Not
And If So I Sincerely Hope
You Are Not Offended
Decoration

I don’t think you are supposed to call it a “Christmas Tree” anymore. I don’t think you’re supposed to call it a “holiday tree” either. That’s not inclusive enough. Instead, I call mine a “special time of the year that I may believe in knowing full well you may not and if so I sincerely hope you are not offended” decoration.

And it can’t be placed in a room that has windows, because someone who is offended by it may be able to see it thru the window. I put my "special time of the year that I may believe in knowing full well you may not and if so I sincerely hope you are not offended” decoration. in the attic, but only after tacking up plywood over the windows.

I don’t use a real tree that’s been cut down, because that offends the environmentalists among us. Likewise, artificial trees are frequently made from petrol by-products, so they are not “Gore-approved”. I used to dig up a live tree and transplant it into a pot and then replant it after the “special time of the year that I may believe in knowing full well you may not and if so I sincerely hope you are not offended” was over. But I heard there is an offshoot of PETA whose goal is to stop the cruelty to plants, so that’s out.

So I made my own "special time of the year that I may believe in knowing full well you may not and if so I sincerely hope you are not offended" decoration out of green rags stretched on a framework of old wire coat hangers. I know that probably isn’t a great solution, but I swore an oath that I would never, ever throw it away in the trash, so it should be okay. Also, it is listed in my will to be handled down through the future generations in my family until such time as private ownership of rags and wire are outlawed by some new group that is tasked with prevention of cruelty to metal and textile products.

Now in the area of decorations, I found many people’s sensibilities are offended by what are put on these “special time of the year that I may believe in knowing full well you may not and if so I sincerely hope you are not offended” decoration. I figured out if I used lights of every hue and color the tone would be one of inclusiveness, but was told that using electricity was a waste of resources. So I made popcorn chains with each kennel a different color, but got in trouble with the Gore-ites for using dyes that were manufactured by a careless multibillion company that pollutes the water.

Then the "Feed the World" movement yelled at me for wasting food that could have fed a starving family in a Third World country. I tried to explain to them that I used microwave popcorn and that the starving family couldn’t have used it due to the fact they don’t have a microwave or electricity, but was then accused of wanton conspicuous consumption of resources.

Then NOW started telling me that putting ornament balls on the tree was not gender neutral. That was a new one to me.

I had already hid any decoration that could remotely be considered religious in natural. I did put up a small clay model of a reindeer that my son had made when he was in first grade, but was told by displaying it I was promoting children labor. And of course PETA said it represented the myth of Santa Claus who enslaved animals to pull around a heavy sled, so I hid it away.

So this year I have given up. Now my neighbors who still have these "special time of the year that I may believe in knowing full well you may not and if so I sincerely hope you are not offended” decorations won’t talk to me. They say lack of decorations during the “special time of the year that I may believe in knowing full well you may not and if so I sincerely hope you are not offended” season is wrong and I am being a grinch.