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  1. #1
    carolina's Avatar
    carolina is offline Master Officer
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    Any Advise or Thoughts?

    I posted this on another forum too, I know that everyone here doesn't go to the other one.

    Yesterday, I was home chatting with a friend, and my daughter was getting home from her college classes. She wanted to talk to me about her best friend of 8 yrs, basically all through grade and High School who is also enrolled at the Com. College, they haven't been close for the past year. because of work, bf's, ect., but they still talk from time to time and hang out once in awhile. (They're both 18)

    My daughter and I are very close. I've tried to take the approach in her young adult years that she can talk to me about anything, and I promise not to make quick decisions or assumptions. And if she ever gets in a tight spot with guys, alcohol or any of the things I don't approve of ... she can call me and there will be no questions asked at that moment, but the next day it has to be discussed. And no, she knows that does not mean I'm trying to be a friend rather than a parent.

    Just from my own experiences as a teen, I've always told my kids life is about choices and with each choice they're are consequences ... some good, some bad, but the accountability /responsibility is the same for both.

    Her friend is a beautiful, intelligent, gifted young lady. Her parents who are still living together (they used to make jokes about it, because they were almost the only 2 people they went to school with that's birth parents were still together) they are very respected people. They go to church every time the doors are open, not all, but most of our views on parenting are identical. They've always been involved in their kids lives, going to games, lots of support. Prolly the biggest thing we differ on is boys, and the strictness of some activities. They have a different outlook on those two things than I do.

    Just an FYI I've decided what I'm going to do, but I'd like to hear the opinions of others on the matter.

    Here's my problem: The best friend has this boyfriend that is selling drugs, and has introduced her to them and she is getting stupid with them. My daughter was very upset saying that she's telling some of the guy friends that she's smokin weed, taking pain killers like oxycotn, tried some coke, and lord knows what else. My daughter is really worried about her. Doesn't want to be a snitch, and begged her to stop, get help, ditch the bf, but the best friend won't admit any of this to her, yet she's telling all their other friends. One friend even showed my daughter some proof in a my space or yahoo conversation they saved.

    I knew that she met this young man about a year ago because he got caught with drugs and had to do community service to get out of it. Best friend works for the city's outdoor crew, planting flowers, cleaning the parks, putting up and taking down holiday lights, setting up for festivals etc., anyway that's how they met. Her parents do not know that he was ever in trouble because she has kept it hid very well.

    I love this young girl like she was a part of my family and we've talked about it, and why she feels like she can't tell her parents. I've pretty much told her the same thing, if she were to ever need me I'd put the same offer on the table only difference was next day she was obligated to tell her parents, and I'd do it with her or a follow up call, but either way it had to be addressed next day. She's never called me because she knows I mean that. We've talked about boys, drugs ... yada yada yada ... but bottom line is that she is not my child.

    My daughter has asked me not to say anything, but this is kinda eating away at me ...

    I am extremely worried about her especially when I hear about the drugs. I have not talked to her parents in over a year, but ... I think it's time for a talk. How would this make you feel if I were to come to you and share these hear says (that I believe are very true) about your daughter, after not talking or the kids not really being that close over the past year?

    Should I talk to her or the parents first?


    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. - Leo Buscaglia

  2. #2
    Pedro56's Avatar
    Pedro56 is offline Englewood Ranger/Infidel Extraordinaire
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    I would talk to the parents. Let them do what they want to do with it.
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  3. #3
    phoenixrose's Avatar
    phoenixrose is offline Firebrand
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    Wow, tough one.

    1. Talk to the girl...one on one. If she's into the drugs, I would say her personal judgement, and the need to rationalize will be a problem. Still, if this were ME...I would make the opportunity to talk to the girl first.

    2. I don't play games when I talk to kids. I am very blunt, to the point, and straight forward. If you try to sugarcoat things, the chances of misinterpretation are higher, IMO. I believe I would make sure she understands you care, and will be there for her, but that her choices are not only illegal...but destructive. Make it clear WHAT you intend to do...ie, inform parents, authorities...whatever you think you need to do. As a parent, I would want to know if this were my child. I would want the opportunity to help them. That may be where you want to take this, to start with.

    3. I would also check out, ahead of time, the options open for her as far as self-help goes. Does she need counseling? Medical help? Confronting a problem is all well and good...but I also think it's important--especially with young people--to provide them with at least a start on helping themselves out of the problem(s). All too often, they're told this is wrong, change it, but they don't have a clue how to help themselves...what to do.

    4. The choices she makes now, she will face as an adult...not a juvenile. If those choices spiral down into illegal activities...she will eventually face some tough consequences. There's also the personal/health issues, as far as drugs go. Every person is different, and depending on her ability to listen, rationalize, and process her actions and the consequences of those actions, what she will be receptive to is questionable. Be prepared to accept the fact that sometimes you simply cannot help some people. You can open the door for them to walk through, offer them a way out, but you cannot force them to go through that door.

    I am no expert, and this is just personal opinion. It will be interesting to see what other comments will come from the experience and training of professionals on this site. Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.
    Last edited by phoenixrose; 01-09-07 at 11:06 AM.
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  4. #4
    Virginian's Avatar
    Virginian is offline Major
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    Yeah, no reason to skirt around the issue for the sake of a kid being stupid. If she was just embarrassed about something that wasn't illegal and wasn't potentially dangerous, then I'd say talk to the kid.

    Go straight to mom and dad.

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    Well I'm not a parent but I'm a 19 year old girl in college, so I can sorta throw out an angle.

    I've had problems in the past with best friends, not as dire as the one's you describe but there has been issues. This certain person was pretty much my sister, she basically lived at my house, she called and still calls my parents, mom and dad. When these issues came up I talked to my parents about it because that's the type of relationship I have with them. Well, my parents went and confronted her first and I know it would have went to her parents after that if nothing was changed.

    A word of caution, at that time when I found out about it, I was PISSED. I was pissed at my parents because I told them and I felt like a bond of trust had been broken because I said NOT to do anything about it. I felt like they were intruding on my life. Second, I was pissed because now my friend was pissed at me and saying that I went crying to mommy and daddy and they were fighting my battles. Now that I look back, my parents did the right thing, at that time it was hard for me to see that. I was fighting so hard to be that independent, on my own person, that I was insulted by my parents involvement still in my life. Eventually it worked, she began to change, and see what we were saying was right, but not without a lot of stubbornness, name calling, and irrationalness. We're still friends and she's still and will always be my sister. As my mom told my best friend, if you call me mom, and treat my home like your own, you get the full spectrum, including me telling you when you have your head up your ass.

    If you love her like you say, then try your best to step in but remember there is only so far you can go. If you talk to the parents and confront her and nothing happens you can't take that fault. Sometimes you have to try and realize that eventually you may have to bail out because you can't let the problem take you down. It is the hardest to stand and watch but sometimes, after all is said and done, we have to save ourselves and move on.

  6. #6
    Ducky's Avatar
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    I'd call her parents. It's not a bad thing for a kid to remember that their parents have ways of finding out things, especially the things the kid wants to keep hidden. Depending on your town, the boyfriend's name may be listed in the 'bookings' section of the local newspaper archives. It would be worth checking into, at least. I know at 18 parents don't often have legal recourse against the kids, but I'd be willing to bet they still control the purse strings.

    Talking to the kid herself may actually counterproductive as she knows exactly what her BF is into and is essentially supporting him in it.
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  7. #7
    KSCop is offline Officer First Class
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    Kids are a lot smarter these days. They'll know if you're sugar-coating or lying about something, so always be blunt and tell the truth. Get on MYSPACE or where ever and download the conversations, pictures, etc. Give them to the parents and let them decide what to do. If you can't find the MYSPACE or whatever the proof is on, just tell the parents what "kids" are saying at school, they'll figure it out. I would still have a chat with the girl involved about her lifestyle.

  8. #8
    Piggybank Cop's Avatar
    Piggybank Cop is offline Nobody important.
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    Take the kid (yours) to the ER for a night so she can see what happens to druggies ask if she wants that for her friend.
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  9. #9
    Jackalope's Avatar
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    Even though she's 18, if she's living under her parents' roof then they still have the right to know everything that's going on in her life. Her bad choices can come back on her parents. Tell them what's going on.
    "I'm not a coward,
    I've just never been tested
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  10. #10
    carolina's Avatar
    carolina is offline Master Officer
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    I have to say that I really love this site when it comes to getting some really good advise! You all are the best and I really appreciate it. Thanks Autum, I really appreciated hearing that from you.

    The young lady in question is a great kid, so yes, I don't want to see her ruin her life at such an early age. I thought about what Phoenix said and I was thinking about talking to her myself first. I've changed my mind. I called her mom and we are going to have lunch Sat. Her mom is an elementary teacher so she is used to kids and loves her daughter immensely.

    Personally, I think they would appreciate knowing. This is very out of character for their daughter, so they are going to be skeptical and quite shocked, but I don't think they will chalk it up to absurd without investigating and paying attention for themselves.

    I haven't talked to them in over a year, so I really don't want to just call and drop this hear say on them. I think face to face is the better approach so were meeting for lunch Sat. Her mom knows all the same kids as I do, and she knows the ones that her daughter is telling this stuff to. She also knows the parents of one of the guys she is telling this to, as they were all in marching band together.

    The thing that concerns me most is my daughter, she asked me not to say anything, but at the same time I think she is hoping that I will. We have a good relationship, we talk about a lot of things that many kids can't or won't discuss with a parent. I don't want to betray a confidence and jeopardize that, but ... in this case I think the life of a "good kid" is more important.

    I told the mom that I have something important to tell her and I've asked that it be in confidence but I will give her enough information that she can sort the truth out for themselves. I have to admit I love all these kids like my own. They are a great group of kids. It's kind of strange they all seem to stick together when one of them is screwing up, and tell each other like it is. Confronted by adults they usually won't lie for each other if it's something serious like this. One of the guys she told about taking the oxyctn is real worried about her too, and said he is thinking about talking to her parents but .... so maybe my heads up will bring out the truth.

    I know I made a few mistakes in my teens like the driving and drinking and if that officer and my mom hadn't taken the time to care about me, I'm not sure if I would have looked at the incident quite the same.

    That officer knew my mom, and the next day when I was sober he came back to the house and he and my mom talked to me like an adult and I will never forget that. He didn't have to do that. My mom was so embarrassed by my actions that it broke my heart to see the hurt in her eyes.

    She is a good kid and I'm hoping for the same result. The young man is my son's age 21 and my son knows him. I asked him what he thought and he just laughed and said everyone knows he sells.

    Thanks everyone I really appreciate the thoughts on the matter and if you think of anything else that can help for my lunch Sat. please let me know. And yes she still lives at home, and has a very impressionable younger sister.
    Last edited by carolina; 01-09-07 at 10:45 PM.


    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. - Leo Buscaglia

  11. #11
    Jks9199 is offline The Reason People Hate Cops & Causer of War
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    There are secrets that can be kept -- and secrets that can't. If the girl was being abused by the guy, that'd definitely be a secret that you couldn't keep. Your daughter needs to understand that, no matter what you do.

    But I've got some mixed feelings on this drug issue. She's 18. She's an adult. Do her parents really have a right to know what she's doing? Flip side... They're paying for school, I presume, and providing her spending money. Does that buy them a right to know what she's doing? How much is she endangering the family by the drug use?

    My easy, hundreds of miles away and safe in my cozy study answer is that you need to talk to both parents and the kid together. Maybe even include your daughter. Drug abuse does effect not only entire families, but the entire community.

  12. #12
    zap's Avatar
    zap
    zap is offline yeahrightsurewhatever
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    dunno...maybe I'm just different.

    I'd skip the parents since she is 18. I'd play hard to convince to the daughter and see if she can produce said proof in the way of a printed out chat. Then, with said proof or not, I'd go right to the local PD and put an X on the bf's forehead with them.

    Your daughter is torn. The other girl won't listen to anyone including her parents. Let her learn a lesson by the closeness of the contact and hope she doesn't get pinched at the same time. But, if she does...it might be the best thing for her.
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  13. #13
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    I gotta go with Phoenix Rose and Zap. As a C/O I know what douche bags drug dealers are, I would hang his ass out to the local PD, and get his pharmaceutical license revoked. I would talk to the girl, she is 18 and has a good family base, I would not go to the parents first, she is 18. I would put it right on her, why are you with a drug dealing douche bag! I think she needs a good friend to give a good dose of reality. What happens when she gets busted or OD's, or gets hooked and starts selling herself. Sounds harsh but that is the reality that could happen if things keep going south. I feel sorry for your postion in this problem it's a tough call, ultimatley you can talk to her and put your trust in her, but she is a adult, and you can only hope she gets her act together. I wish you luck in this and I hope some of my thoughs helped you.
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  14. #14
    carolina's Avatar
    carolina is offline Master Officer
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    Quote Originally Posted by zap View Post
    dunno...maybe I'm just different.

    I'd skip the parents since she is 18. I'd play hard to convince to the daughter and see if she can produce said proof in the way of a printed out chat. Then, with said proof or not, I'd go right to the local PD and put an X on the bf's forehead with them.
    Your daughter is torn. The other girl won't listen to anyone including her parents. Let her learn a lesson by the closeness of the contact and hope she doesn't get pinched at the same time. But, if she does...it might be the best thing for her.
    Is that possible? My daughter showed me the proof, and she and a couple friends all tried to talk to her, but ...

    The reason she won't admit this to my daughter is right before she met this guy the friend was lying to her parents saying that she was here with my daughter while she was out with a guy the parents knew nothing about. Well my daughter got pissed about her using her to lie because she told her that her parents said she could go out with him.

    Her mom called me because for whatever reason she didn't answer her cell phone thinking she was supposed to be here, I answered the phone didn't know anything about it, and gave the phone to my daughter to explain ... and she told her the truth she was out with some guy using her as an excuse and she didn't like it, she told them exactly where they were and her dad found them. That kinda destroyed the friendship for a while.

    They finally made back up as they were really close. So her friend will not tell her because she is afraid she will tell mom and dad, she is so dependent on guys that it's sickening but ... I've never know her to be so stupid about drugs, but I do know it only takes one time to think you might like it.

    I'd love to see this boy caught for the destruction he is causing! But I don't want to ruin the girls life in the process. I am kind of torn now, I still have til Saturday so.... She needs a good scaring like I got when I was 18. I'm trying to think if someone in their church is in LE.

    I like the idea of all of us setting down to talk to her. I may call her before Sat. and have a one on one with her, I have her cell and she texts me from time to time like mothers day and Christmas.

    She is a good kid, she has just gotten caught up in something that she may not know how to get out of, I am thinking that is why she is telling her friends, she knows how most of them feel about drugs and so maybe its her way of crying out for help, with out actually asking for it .... does that make sense? The OD part is what is scaring me.


    Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. - Leo Buscaglia

  15. #15
    zap's Avatar
    zap
    zap is offline yeahrightsurewhatever
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    You are doing a noble thing. And for the right reasons. BUT, don't loose sight of the fact that your daughter is your primary responsibility...and she seems ok. The other girl is an adult and doesn't have to listen to anyone. She will think she knows everything. 18 and dope together make astonishing intellegence --in their minds.

    I think the only way out of this for you...at least what I would do....is to have lunch with the mom and recommit the friendship. "I'm here if you ever need anything" etc. No accusations...but you've been 'concerned' about the girl..."she just doesn't seem the same lately...is everything ok? I love her like she's my own!"

    Then...I would definately beat down the pd's door on the guy. I talk to people all the time who want to tell me about this guy or that gal who is doing/selling/etc ....often the best snitches are the ones who want to get rid of the competition. We listen when people know things. It tells us WHERE to be looking.

    You may not realize how much activity your tip(s) are creating. I personally won't burn an informant...I won't take action based on their information. I will, however, use it as a direction to look closer. For instance, if I am told that Bob here is dealing to support his habit....I watch for Bob when Im out and about. What is he doing? Who is he talking to? And, guess what...I'll stop Bob if he's running 4 or 5 miles over the limit. I will be looking at Bob VERY closely during that 'routine' traffic stop. If I see/smell or otherwise have any justification....I'll run Bob through the wringer.

    It's kind of like hunting mushrooms in the spring. I know they are there...I just have to find them!!


    Now...the hope in all this is that you are never exposed as the person (or one of) that put the X on bf's forehead. Boyfriend/dealer goes away for a LONG time....girl gets 1) scared shitless and 2) straight long enough for her common sense to come back

    best of luck
    Stupidity Recognition Technician

 

 

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