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Thread: Oh Those Irish

  1. #1
    Magnum440 is offline Older Than Dirt
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    Oh Those Irish

    My first wife was half Irish, and half American Indian. Wow, what a mixture. She would have enjoyed this.

    Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
    looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
    his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
    "He couldn't do that to you,
    he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
    and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
    didn't you have something in your hand?"
    That I did," said Paddy.
    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


    ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ** **************
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
    is driving home from the city one night and,
    of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over.
    "So," says the cop to the driver,
    where have ya been?"
    "Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
    slurs the drunk.
    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
    a few to drink this evening."
    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
    folding his arms across his chest,
    "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


    ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****************
    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
    "I've somethin' to tell ya".
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
    But where's my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
    is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
    Finally, she looked up at Tim.
    "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
    of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
    Did he at least go quickly?"
    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
    he got out three times to pee."



    ****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ******************

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady af ter
    his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
    My husband passed away last night."
    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
    Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
    She says, "That he did, Father."
    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
    She says, He said,
    'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
    Facta non verba
    "The good Lord set definite limits on man's wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity — and that's not fair!" — Konrad Adenauer,

  2. #2
    Trojan 42's Avatar
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    Only the Irish have jokes like those? What, old?

    How do you confuse an Irishman?
    Put two shovels against a wall and ask him to take his Pick.
    To be born an Englishman, is to be a winner in the Lottery of Life.



    I've Talked the Talk and I've Walked the Walk, now I Sit the Sit!

    It's not until you look at an Ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they burst into flames for no reason!

  3. #3
    Roses's Avatar
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    Funny!
    http://img455.imageshack.us/img455/1369/rosekdrosetransp9fk2eb.gif

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown

  4. #4
    Jackalope's Avatar
    Jackalope is offline Yell O
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    An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

    This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

    "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

    "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
    "I'm not a coward,
    I've just never been tested
    I'd like to think that if I was,
    I would pass"
    ~Mighty Mighty Bosstones~

  5. #5
    Trojan 42's Avatar
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    Now that one IS funny.
    To be born an Englishman, is to be a winner in the Lottery of Life.



    I've Talked the Talk and I've Walked the Walk, now I Sit the Sit!

    It's not until you look at an Ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they burst into flames for no reason!

  6. #6
    Willowdared's Avatar
    Willowdared is offline Bendy not Breaky
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    Switching Celt gears for a moment.

    A Scotsman staggers towards home from the pub. He gives up, and passes out in the front yard of his neighbor.

    The next morning, the two teenage girls living there were on the way to school, and came across his prone body. After a whispered exchange, they take a peek under his kilt, and for a laugh, tie a hair ribbon around his "member," and head off laughing.

    An hour or so later, he comes to, with an urgent need to relieve himself. He looks down and sees the ribbon exclaiming "Well, I don't know where you've been Laddy, but I see you took first prize!!"
    Molly Weasley makes Chuck Norris eat his vegetables.

    Do not puff, shade, skew, tailor, firm up, stretch, massage,
    or otherwise distort statements of fact.
    FBI Special Agent Coleen Rowley

  7. #7
    Piggybank Cop's Avatar
    Piggybank Cop is offline Nobody important.
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    If you’re lucky enough to have been born Irish,

    you’re lucky enough.

    We are the thin blue line
    between you
    and all the money in the world.

    And no you can't have any.

  8. #8
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    phoenixrose is offline Firebrand
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1sgkelly View Post
    If you’re lucky enough to have been born Irish,

    you’re lucky enough.

    +1
    I'm half Irish...does that count?
    phoenixrose
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If the sex scene doesn't make you want to do it - whatever it is they're doing - it hasn't been written right.~~~Sloan Wilson
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "WHAT canary?"

  9. #9
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1sgkelly View Post
    If you’re lucky enough to have been born Irish,

    you’re lucky enough.

    All that and good looking too? God truly loves us Irish.
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  10. #10
    Piggybank Cop's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conalabu View Post
    All that and good looking too? God truly loves us Irish.
    Ah now and wouldn’t you be tellin the truth.

    We are the thin blue line
    between you
    and all the money in the world.

    And no you can't have any.

  11. #11
    Trojan 42's Avatar
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    So come on were any of you actually born in Ireland? If so North or South. (If North I may have arrested some relatives. )
    To be born an Englishman, is to be a winner in the Lottery of Life.



    I've Talked the Talk and I've Walked the Walk, now I Sit the Sit!

    It's not until you look at an Ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they burst into flames for no reason!

 

 

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