Married or Not....Added Stress or Not?

**Blueline32** · 02-21-07, 07:29 PM

This thread is to find out if I am the only one that is overly stressed by being married and being a cop. I love my wife and children but there is constant stress in my house. Usually it is about money (you know I took this job for the money too.

Am I the only one that faces this damn near everyday???

**Crimebytes2** · 02-21-07, 07:33 PM

I'm not a cop, but it's still stressful in my house. I wonder if it has anything to do with CRC (CopsRCool for the newbies)?

**Pudge** · 02-21-07, 07:53 PM

You're not alone man. I've been there. Just happen to be in a good period right now. Knockin on wood and hopin it stays that way!

**conalabu** · 02-21-07, 07:55 PM

Yeah. I feel ya.

**Blueline32** · 02-21-07, 07:58 PM

You know I think it is because we go to work and deal with everyone elses problems no matter how big or small and when we go home our better halves that are not LEO's dont understand that cool down period that is needed. Or maybe that is just my problems. As long as I am not alone in this then I know I dont need to go see a shrink.

**E-man** · 02-21-07, 08:18 PM

Blueline, you are NOT alone. Get it NOT ALONE. EVERY single cop in this country and probably everywhere in the world deal with like you said EVERY ONE ELSES CRAP. I tell people that the job is based in negativity, sadness, grief, bad shit. NO ONE calls the police when Johnny or Susie come home with an A on their report card, OH NO they call when they come home with a bag of dope or cigarettes or a condom {Iam watching Friday Night Lights and the coaches daughters boyfriend was seen buying condoms

She is only 15}
Our job is one of the most stressful out there, next to air traffic controllers.

The biggest thing to remember is A- you are not aloine in that feeling and B- HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT?
Stress is good, stress is healthy BUT drinking it away or beating the wife and kids due to your failure to manage that stress is bad...

WOW, I said a lot huh? No, your not alone, your ok actually that you even recognize stress.

**Beans** · 02-21-07, 08:20 PM

My marriage has nearly fell apart several times. My wife HATES my job. Complains about it everyday. You have to learn to cope. We are broke, have another kid on the way. It sucks. But we get by.

**Gatekeeper** · 02-21-07, 08:22 PM

I'm too new to the job to add anything productive here, but I can tell you the money has caused added stress. Hell we picked up almost $1,300 per month in expenses just for daycare and gas so I could start working again. It is tuff to go from almost a grand a week (before my business tanked) to about $900 every two weeks. I hope my family will be content living within our new budget, because I can't imagine doing anything else.
I guess with that last statement, my answer would be YES more stress as I try to provide what the family needs on a shoe string budget.

**Willowdared** · 02-21-07, 08:51 PM

Well, I'm a single Mom, but I can relate to the stress over money, and working changing shifts, and eating crap fast-food instead of healthy home-made.

Hang in there.

**Ducky** · 02-21-07, 09:09 PM

I think it's super emphasized with cops, but any job that involves dealing with the general public puts added stress in a marriage. Best answer I can give as to why is that is that people suck. They're mean, rude, nasty, and all around horrible. Most are stupid and those that aren't choose to be ignorant instead. They're spoiled and would be better off neutered, then shot. Bluntly, they're a waste of the planets resources. Sadly, we have to deal with them instead. So we deal with assholes all day long, then come home to find that Junior's been pulling Missy's hair all day, the baby is teething, the kitchen sink exploded and the dog's got diahrea from getting into last night's leftovers. And to top it off, your libido's taking a vacation, and that pisses the spouse off.

Did I mention that I hate people?

**Willowdared** · 02-21-07, 09:12 PM

Originally Posted by Ducky

Best answer I can give as to why is that is that people suck. They're mean, rude, nasty, and all around horrible. Most are stupid and those that aren't choose to be ignorant instead. They're spoiled and would be better off neutered, then shot. Bluntly, they're a waste of the planets resources.

+infinity

**Blueline32** · 02-21-07, 09:32 PM

PDawg it isnt the Fast food heaven knows I would rather eat that then the stuff my wife says she "cooks". A big Mac a day keeps the spare tire away for me atleast I love having a high metabolism.

as far as the libido thing mine is fine. havent lost a step actually it is too strong at times and I find myself with wondering eyes. you knwo window shopping but not going in the store.

**lewisipso** · 02-21-07, 09:45 PM

Don't hold back ducky, say it like you mean it.

Blue you've known my wife and I for a few years now. You know it is no picnic over here. I can be very distant and non involved and my wife is hard to get along with sometimes. The trick (if there is one) is communication. I tell my wife if it's been a bad day and I ask for breathing room. After John shot that perp I couldn't sleep for a week. The death threats aren't helping either. So I just let her know what was going on. Also a date night once or twice a month really helps. We usually go to Coffee Call. Tank (another cop friend for those just reading along) always wondered how did we raise 7 kids on one salary. I told him there was no trick. We did without. (not the kids) We didn't go out, we didn't eat out, I didn't buy toys (and I mean nothing) and my wife didn't get to shop or anything else. It was tough. Now that the two older niece and nephew are back with their parents we are a few kids shy so that helps with the money and Dawn works. This vacation we're going on has been saved for for years. (coins in a kentwood water bottle) Open up the communication and talk about it alone. See what happens. Good luck. It ain't easy.

**BEK** · 02-21-07, 10:14 PM

Buy this book for her

**Crimebytes2** · 02-21-07, 10:20 PM

Originally Posted by BEK320

Buy this book for her

You beat me to it, BEK! The following site offers an in-depth study of the book (don't let the name of the site confuse you).

http://www.iloveafirefighter.com/work2.htm

**Piggybank Cop** · 02-21-07, 10:20 PM

The only problems we have stem from me being a fat, loud, obnoxious, opinionated, mean, ultraconservative, deadly old fart.

ps: must be the 23 years Army.

**Blueline32** · 02-21-07, 11:43 PM

I already bought her that book. And now she knows too much about my job and is too inquisitive.

**Jks9199** · 02-22-07, 12:09 AM

I decline to answer because my wife is sitting right behind me...

(which is probably an answer in and of itself!)

But... as much as there are extra stresses by being married, they're good and bad. The good include stronger reasons to get home safely, make better decisions so that my job isn't jeopardized, and a few more things that make me a better officer... But it's also meant that I have to deal with another person's crap every day, that I have to deal with not being able to find things I knew where they were and a lot more.

One final thought... At the end of the day -- I know someone's waiting for me to come home, and will be there for me, no matter what. That's a big plus!

**Jackalope** · 02-22-07, 02:21 AM

While I'm sure being a cop adds a ton of stress to your marriage, the problems you describe are not exclusive to cop marriages. In addition to the book BEK suggested, I suggest The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. It has nothing to do with law enforcement, but it is a lot of great advice for keeping your marriage happy. Read it with your wife, it's for both of you.

And since you mentioned money, you may want to consider moving to a place where cops get paid more. I understand that in some parts of the country cops often have to have second jobs just to make ends meet. Up here in the northwest (Oregon especially), law enforcement jobs are hard to come by. But the jobs that are available pay very well. And since you're already certified, you'd have a much easier time getting a job. None of the cops in my area work second jobs.

Don't forget to use Sperling's Best Places to compare the cost of living between your town and anyplace you'd consider moving. That way you can see how much more or less you'd actually make if you did move.