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  1. #1
    dapples's Avatar
    dapples is offline Swamp Kitty
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    Mav still hasnt recovered


    Sooooo he asked me to post this for him...........


    Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Dapples. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

    Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Dapples what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Baby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Babycat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    So, I'm sitting there alone, Babycat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

    You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


    Still in shock,
    Mav

    edited note: this dialog is purely for entertainment purposes, part fact and part fiction
    Last edited by dapples; 03-02-07 at 03:28 PM.

  2. #2
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    Quote Originally Posted by dapples View Post
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Baby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Babycat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
    That was one lucky cat!

    Last edited by Jenna; 03-02-07 at 08:39 AM.

  3. #3
    TXPO710's Avatar
    TXPO710 is offline Dumb ole' Cowboy
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    I've thought of getting one of those, but wasn't sure they really worked. Thanks Mav for trying it out before I did.

  4. #4
    Virginian's Avatar
    Virginian is offline Major
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    ahahahaha! That is some great writing, had me rolling

  5. #5
    Trojan 42's Avatar
    Trojan 42 is offline Retired Ninja
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    That's the funniest thing I've read this year!! You pillock!
    To be born an Englishman, is to be a winner in the Lottery of Life.



    I've Talked the Talk and I've Walked the Walk, now I Sit the Sit!

    It's not until you look at an Ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they burst into flames for no reason!

  6. #6
    Buttercup's Avatar
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  7. #7
    Dudleydoright's Avatar
    Dudleydoright is offline Officer First Class
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trojan 42 View Post
    That's the funniest thing I've read this year!! You pillock!
    Ok Trojan, translate for the colonists. What is a pillock anything like a dumb ass?

  8. #8
    countybear's Avatar
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    "The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money."
    - Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America

    Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind,
    That from the nunnery
    Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
    To war and arms I fly.
    - Lovelace

    The opinions expressed by this poster are wholly his own, and should never be construed to even remotely be in representation of his employer, its agencies or assigns. In fact, they probably fail to be in alignment with the opinions of any rational human being.

  9. #9
    Cidp24's Avatar
    Cidp24 is offline Tempus Fugit
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    Dont feel to stupid Mav, had my own little experiment with one of the first taser models that came out about 20 years ago. I still twitch when it comes to mind. I feel your pain.
    *************************
    "It wouldn't take much for me to up and run...
    to another life somewhere in the sun."
    *************************
    "There's something inherently wrong with having to put on a bullet-proof vest and a gun to go to work."-(An old friend)


    Any statements or opinions given in my postings or profile do not reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employer or anyone else other than me. They are my personal opinions or statements only, thereby releasing my employer , any other entity, or any other person of any liability or involvement in anything posted under the username "Cidp24" on O/R.

  10. #10
    KaiGywer's Avatar
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    Not to be a partypooper, but I got something similar in my email a few months ago
    Alpha Phi Sigma Alum - Alpha Delta Chapter
    ΑΦΣ

  11. #11
    Trojan 42's Avatar
    Trojan 42 is offline Retired Ninja
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dudleydoright View Post
    Ok Trojan, translate for the colonists. What is a pillock anything like a dumb ass?
    It means one is not very bright, a dullard, in fact a dumb ass!
    To be born an Englishman, is to be a winner in the Lottery of Life.



    I've Talked the Talk and I've Walked the Walk, now I Sit the Sit!

    It's not until you look at an Ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they burst into flames for no reason!

  12. #12
    Willowdared's Avatar
    Willowdared is offline Bendy not Breaky
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    I've heard if you plug your nose, and close your mouth real tight, then blow with all your might....your testicles might pop back out.

    Molly Weasley makes Chuck Norris eat his vegetables.

    Do not puff, shade, skew, tailor, firm up, stretch, massage,
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  13. #13
    countybear's Avatar
    countybear is offline BDRT - Baby Daddy Removal Team
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    Quote Originally Posted by PDawg View Post
    I've heard if you plug your nose, and close your mouth real tight, then blow with all your might....your testicles might pop back out.



    that's worth every bit of my little rep power...

    "The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money."
    - Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America

    Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind,
    That from the nunnery
    Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
    To war and arms I fly.
    - Lovelace

    The opinions expressed by this poster are wholly his own, and should never be construed to even remotely be in representation of his employer, its agencies or assigns. In fact, they probably fail to be in alignment with the opinions of any rational human being.

  14. #14
    Roses's Avatar
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    Very funny!
    http://img455.imageshack.us/img455/1369/rosekdrosetransp9fk2eb.gif

    A Smile

    A smile cost nothing, but gives so much.

    It enriches those who receive it,
    without making poorer those who give.
    It takes but a moment, but the memory
    of it sometimes lasts forever.

    None is so rich or mighty that he
    can get along without it,
    and none is so poor but that
    he can be made rich by it.

    A smile creates happiness in the home,
    fosters goodwill in business,
    and is the countersign of friendship.

    It brings rest to the weary,
    cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,
    and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

    Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed,
    or stolen, for it is something that is of no
    value to anyone until it is given away.

    Some people are too tired to give you a smile.
    Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile
    so much as he who has no more to give.

    - author unknown

  15. #15
    mfranklin01's Avatar
    mfranklin01 is offline its not vendication...its punishment
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    and the survey says....

  16. #16
    cntryboy0531 is offline THE five-oh
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    His testicals are hiding behind the chair. They saw what was coming, said "Fuck this shit!!!", disconected, and ran like hell.


    You just gotta take them out of brads mouth first.

  17. #17
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is offline Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
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    I don't care if it was part fiction. I was laughing so hard I almost couldn't read it to my wife. That was funny!
    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  18. #18
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is offline Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
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    hahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
    I just read it again!! I think I gotta pee now!
    Thanks for posting that. It's the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time.
    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  19. #19
    dapples's Avatar
    dapples is offline Swamp Kitty
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    Quote Originally Posted by lewisipso View Post
    hahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
    I just read it again!! I think I gotta pee now!
    Thanks for posting that. It's the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time.

    I am sOoooooooo glad you enjoyed it..
    btw, when he "surfaces" ask him about "taking the ride" by one of his fellow deps for certification

  20. #20
    Lo523's Avatar
    Lo523 is offline Master Officer
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    Funniest thing I've read in ages!
    Never approach a bull by the front, a horse from behind, or an idiot from any direction.

 

 
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