Mav still hasnt recovered

**dapples** · 03-02-07, 08:10 AM

Sooooo he asked me to post this for him...........

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Dapples. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Dapples what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Baby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Babycat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Babycat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Mav
edited note: this dialog is purely for entertainment purposes, part fact and part fiction

**Jenna** · 03-02-07, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by dapples

There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Baby looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Babycat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.

That was one lucky cat!

**TXPO710** · 03-02-07, 08:33 AM

I've thought of getting one of those, but wasn't sure they really worked. Thanks Mav for trying it out before I did.

**Virginian** · 03-02-07, 09:19 AM

ahahahaha! That is some great writing, had me rolling

**Trojan 42** · 03-02-07, 09:29 AM

That's the funniest thing I've read this year!! You pillock!

**Buttercup** · 03-02-07, 09:38 AM

**Dudleydoright** · 03-02-07, 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by Trojan 42

That's the funniest thing I've read this year!! You pillock!

Ok Trojan, translate for the colonists. What is a pillock anything like a dumb ass?

**countybear** · 03-02-07, 10:05 AM

**Cidp24** · 03-02-07, 10:08 AM

Dont feel to stupid Mav, had my own little experiment with one of the first taser models that came out about 20 years ago. I still twitch when it comes to mind. I feel your pain.

**KaiGywer** · 03-02-07, 10:28 AM

Not to be a partypooper, but I got something similar in my email a few months ago

**Trojan 42** · 03-03-07, 04:26 AM

Originally Posted by Dudleydoright

Ok Trojan, translate for the colonists. What is a pillock anything like a dumb ass?

It means one is not very bright, a dullard, in fact a dumb ass!

**Willowdared** · 03-03-07, 08:55 AM

I've heard if you plug your nose, and close your mouth real tight, then blow with all your might....your testicles might pop back out.

**countybear** · 03-03-07, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by PDawg

I've heard if you plug your nose, and close your mouth real tight, then blow with all your might....your testicles might pop back out.

that's worth every bit of my little rep power...

**Roses** · 03-03-07, 08:06 PM

Very funny!

**mfranklin01** · 03-04-07, 02:33 AM

and the survey says....

**cntryboy0531** · 03-04-07, 03:18 AM

His testicals are hiding behind the chair. They saw what was coming, said "Fuck this shit!!!", disconected, and ran like hell.

You just gotta take them out of brads mouth first.

**lewisipso** · 03-04-07, 06:45 AM

I don't care if it was part fiction. I was laughing so hard I almost couldn't read it to my wife. That was funny!

**lewisipso** · 03-04-07, 06:48 AM

hahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
I just read it again!! I think I gotta pee now!
Thanks for posting that. It's the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time.

**dapples** · 03-04-07, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by lewisipso

hahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
I just read it again!! I think I gotta pee now!
Thanks for posting that. It's the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time.

I am sOoooooooo glad you enjoyed it..
btw, when he "surfaces" ask him about "taking the ride" by one of his fellow deps for certification