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Thread: Steven Wright

  1. #1
    dapples's Avatar
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    Steven Wright




    If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently from most of us, to our amazement and amusement.



    Here are some of his gems:


    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2 - Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

    3 - Half the people you know are below average.

    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain


    9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (MY FAV)

    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met

    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

    19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film

    34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


    DISCLAIMNER: if this is a repost...sworry I AM blonde .

  2. #2
    rob84's Avatar
    rob84 is offline Did you press the power button?
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    That dude is pretty damn funny!

    www.twitter.com/RobKimble1984
    www.facebook.com/robkimble

  3. #3
    E-man's Avatar
    E-man is offline No bird but dog and 3 cats
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    -Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

    - I have a map of the United States. Its actual size. It says One mile equals One mile.
    A monday morning lunatic, disturbed from time to time. Temporary catatonic madman on occasion..

    Lightning crashes a new mother cries, her placenta falls to the floor. The angel opens her eyes,the confusion sets in before the doctor can even close the door..
    The views and comments of E-man are mine and mine alone and therefore might not reflect the views of others or people in my current department. As such since this is still America I can post what I want without fear of retribution. I think.

    RIP Eric

  4. #4
    Rhino's Avatar
    Rhino is offline Meat-eater & Fire-breather
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    I remember one line he said he had the largest sea shell collection in the world, it was so large he had to scatter it on all the beaches.
    "If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton

  5. #5
    stretch is offline Rookie
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    "I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now I can't find him."
    "Fat Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life son."


  6. #6
    E-man's Avatar
    E-man is offline No bird but dog and 3 cats
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    Not sure if this is his....

    Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway...
    A monday morning lunatic, disturbed from time to time. Temporary catatonic madman on occasion..

    Lightning crashes a new mother cries, her placenta falls to the floor. The angel opens her eyes,the confusion sets in before the doctor can even close the door..
    The views and comments of E-man are mine and mine alone and therefore might not reflect the views of others or people in my current department. As such since this is still America I can post what I want without fear of retribution. I think.

    RIP Eric

  7. #7
    Ducky's Avatar
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    I put my car key in my front door, and it fit.. so I started my house up and drove off.

    I lost my socks, so I called information to find out where they were. The operator told me to look behind the couch, and they were there.
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  8. #8
    121Traffic's Avatar
    121Traffic is offline Just Us
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    Are we talking about the same Steven Wright? The Dude on the Couh from Half Baked? I agree that he is f ing hilarious, but when did he become an "erudite scientist?"
    "If anything worthwhile comes of this tragedy, it should be the realization by every citizen that often the only thing that stands between them and losing everything they hold dear... is the man wearing a badge." -- Ronald Reagan, in the wake of the deaths of 4 CHP troopers in the Newhall Incident, 1970

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "121Traffic" on O/R.

 

 

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