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06-12-07, 05:20 AM #1Banned
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Chuck Norris : If I am elected president
Agree or disagree with his plans wouldn't it be great if those actually running would outline theirs so concisely?
Chuck Norris : If I am elected president
I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises?
I made a list I'm certain can get me elected.
If I'm elected president, I will
Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day or else they can't vote on anything.
Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).
Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).
Give a presidential pardon to no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"
Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.
Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).
Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.
Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.
Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell).
Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."
Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops scratch that already did it undercover).
Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.
Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.
Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").
Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).
Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.
Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.
Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.
Expose the real WMDs my fists and feet.
Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.
Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).
Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.
First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to
Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.
Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them I'm a happily, married man!)
Looking over my campaign promises, I'm sure my liberal friends are even now rejoicing that I'm not really running for president. However, my hope is still out that Newt will jump into the race!
And just because : Chuck Norris facts as read by Chuck Norris
06-14-07, 07:27 AM #2
I guess we need some CN facts . . .
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till. "After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris doesnt walk around stuff, he walks through them.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if he thought he could climb Mount Everest. Chuck Norris made it to the top in less than a minute, jumped off, and did a roundhouse kick mid-air, killing the man instantly.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter, and he'll roundhouse kick anybody that says otherwise.
Chuck Norris used to play major league baseball, until he was thrown out because it was found that his blood was a steroid.
When Chuck Norris was in college, he never took test. He simply walked up to the professor and roundhouse kicked him in the face and proceeded to exit the classroom. He now has his Ph'D in Neurobiology.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris' beard has three Superbowl rings.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
06-17-07, 06:10 AM #3
06-19-07, 02:51 PM #4PATROL DEPUTY
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Damn wombat I take it you like CHUCK NORIS. I was a good reply though!!!
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