Disturbing news

**rob84** · 06-21-07, 09:07 AM

I just found out from my grandfathers cousin, that my father has prostate cancer. He has been in Germany for 3 months for treatment, if it doesnt work, he has to go back again. I have never had a real relationship with my father. My mother divorced him when I was 3. Ive seen him a total of about 20 times my entire life. The last time I saw him, we went to the Richmond Nascar race two years ago. I havent really heard from him since. I don't really know what to do, or how to feel. I don't know if I should call him or not. I called my mother, and she told me not to leave any room for regrets. This has also got me afraid, im worried that its hereditary. Im all sorts of screwed up in the head right now

**Beans** · 06-21-07, 09:12 AM

Rob-Only you can make that decision on what you feel is right. My dad was not the greatest dad, used to smack me around and was a drunk. We did not get along real well. In 2004 he came to visit me because he was trying to patch up our realtionship and he had quit drinking. While he was here, he had a heart attack at my house and died 3 days later. I am glad before he died we put the past behind us.
That is all I can really tell you.

**rob84** · 06-21-07, 09:17 AM

Sorry to hear about your father beans. When we were at the nascar race, we put alot of things behind us, and had a really good time. But, I found out a few things about him that I didnt really care to know about. Thats one of the reasons we havent seen eachother since then. Im leaning towards calling him, because I know eventhough we didnt have a good relationship, Ill feel like hell if I dont get to say goodbye.

**Beans** · 06-21-07, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by rob84

Sorry to hear about your father beans. When we were at the nascar race, we put alot of things behind us, and had a really good time. But, I found out a few things about him that I didnt really care to know about. Thats one of the reasons we havent seen eachother since then. Im leaning towards calling him, because I know eventhough we didnt have a good relationship, Ill feel like hell if I dont get to say goodbye.

I think calling him is the right thing to do.

**rob84** · 06-21-07, 09:22 AM

I think you're right.

**Buttercup** · 06-21-07, 09:25 AM

Rob, as Beans said, you're the only one who can decide the right thing to do. Of course I don't know your dad's condition and every case is different, but prostate cancer is fairly common in men of a certain age, can be treatable, and isn't always terminal. My dad was treated for prostate cancer a year or so ago and fortunately his subsequent tests have been good and his doctor feels there's little to no chance of a recurrence. In his case, I think the psychological effects of the "C" word were more difficult than the disease itself - on him and on us. Do some reading about prostate cancer if you're concerned about it being hereditary - understanding it is the key to managing your fears. I hope that everything goes well with your dad and that you make a decision that will give you peace.

**Buttercup** · 06-21-07, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by Beans

I think calling him is the right thing to do.

So do I. If nothing else, you'll always know that you made the effort to reach out to him.

**rob84** · 06-21-07, 09:35 AM

Originally Posted by Buttercup

Rob, as Beans said, you're the only one who can decide the right thing to do. Of course I don't know your dad's condition and every case is different, but prostate cancer is fairly common in men of a certain age, can be treatable, and isn't always terminal. My dad was treated for prostate cancer a year or so ago and fortunately his subsequent tests have been good and his doctor feels there's little to no chance of a recurrence. In his case, I think the psychological effects of the "C" word were more difficult than the disease itself - on him and on us. Do some reading about prostate cancer if you're concerned about it being hereditary - understanding it is the key to managing your fears. I hope that everything goes well with your dad and that you make a decision that will give you peace.

Thank you very much buttercup. Im glad to hear your father is okay. Im going to do some research on it tonight, im probably gonna call him tonight or tommorow.

**Beans** · 06-21-07, 09:38 AM

Prostate cancer is definitly not a death sentence. My grandfather had it, and they cured him.

**rob84** · 06-21-07, 09:45 AM

Thats really good news, buttercup is right, its the "C" word that really gets me.

**Jenna** · 06-21-07, 09:58 AM

Sorry about your father's cancer, Rob. I also think it's a good idea to call him--that way you will have no regrets, whatever happens. Best wishes for your father's recovery.

**rob84** · 06-21-07, 03:10 PM

Thank you Jenna.

**Ducky** · 06-21-07, 03:51 PM

The effort you make will be for your own benefit. I always regret not having been able to tell my dad goodbye, and it's haunted me for 23 years.

Best wishes, no matter what you decide.

**rob84** · 06-21-07, 04:10 PM

Thank you very much Ducky.

**TXCharlie** · 06-21-07, 04:41 PM

Our Match Director had prostrate cancer last year - It took him about three months to recover enough to start attending our matches again, and another three months to get completely out of the adult diapers in case he had an accident (which of course he shouldn't have let us know about because we teased the poor guy so much about that)

He's all back to normal now!!!

There are some types of Prostrate cancer that are so slow-growing that they don't even operate on, from what he told us, but he had the fast-growing kind.

Yeah, my dad was a prick too when he was drunk - Which was often. He's still alive & with my mother, but he's not drinking since he fell in a trash fire drunk, passed out, and burned his legs so bad that one had to be amputated and one's almost useless. That was the only get-sober treatment program that actually worked, the 90-day stint in prison for DWI being a close runner-up.

**smokey703** · 06-21-07, 04:48 PM

Sorry to hear about your dad. It is never easy to find out that a loved one has cancer, even if you didn't have a good relationship with them. I also didn't have a good relationship with my father. I have spoken to him 2 or 3 times in the past 10 years, all of which I have made the phone call. If we never spoke again I think I would be alright with that because I know that I tried. And thats all you can do is try, then leave the rest up to him to keep a relationship going.

**countybear** · 06-21-07, 05:38 PM

Best wishes and prayers for your Dad, rob.

**Tony** · 06-21-07, 07:00 PM

Sorry to hear about your dad mate, I know about 5 guys who've had it and their surgery went well.

There's a blood test they can do if you're concerned, but once you hit 50 you should have the blood test and the finger test.

And I haven't spoken to my dad for years and he's not 100% because of his smoking and diet, like smokey703, I've tried but it's a choice for you. Good luck either way.

**mavriktu** · 06-21-07, 07:08 PM

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer ,we had a "fair" relationship,I loved him and despised the fuckin bar tramp that he dumped mom for.Anyway ,when I was told,he was living 300 miles away and ,since my mom had fought her cancer for several years before losing ,figured I had time to call/go see him.I did ,2 weeks later at the funeral.

Cups and everyone else is right,CALL,be the bigger man,it dont cost you nothing,and will give you BOTH,a sigh of releif ,if not closure.However,I would do it now!

Why are you reading this,pick up the damn phone!

Oh hell nevermind.(you knew I couldn't resist,) Now seriously,since you know you had a slight giggle to distract yourself, please go ---do it.

**RIMAMARIA** · 06-21-07, 10:07 PM

Hi

Rima here, I am here on and off,when I have time, and am not working.

I am always for communication mostly ( RN here ambulance attendant age 15-18 yrs old in Germany)

Call him, see if he is receptive to talk about stuff, like his cancer. some ideas might be to ask him and OPEN question. and let him decide how much he wants to share.

Maybe, what's up, or long time no see, just contact me be all he needs, to open up.

I respect patients, who want to talk or share, I also respect if they do not.

You will know in your soul, what will feel right, write up a benefit risk analysis ( fancy words for a PRO CON list )

never hurts to be aware of your own needs and values, while communicating

Hope this helps you feel OK what ever you decide will be right for you

Friends

Rima in NH