countybear's mailbag...

**countybear** · 09-30-07, 05:38 AM

Here's a nice email we recently recieved at CB's house. It comes from Billy Ed Stoner of Podunk, KY:

Dear Mr. Countybear,

I wants to be da' POH-LEECE, but I think that I might fail the polygraph test if they ask me about drug use. I'm smoking a J while I write this, I'm wearing a baseball hat (my lucky hat) what has a mariajuania leaf on it, I'm also wearing a Mr. T starter kit around my neck (which matches my fake grillz), and my screen name on Yahoo MSGR is 420forfugginever. I has only dun mariajuania recreashunally for about 18 years, (I am 22 now). I have only had two jobs before, givin' blood and I wuz a trustee for a while. I am hopin' dat sum dapartmant willd higher me caus I'll be reeley gud at findin' dope. (I won't even need a dawg and I already kno whut gud stuf looksded like). I only did some udder kinds of dope, but its been a while since I did dat.

Mr. Countybear, due you thunk I can be da' POH-LEECE wun day?

Signed,

Billy Ed Stoner
Podunk, Kintuckey

Dear Billy Ed,

You couldn't be the Goddamned police in Amsterdam, motherfucker. You see, drugs are illegal in the United States, you intellectually bankrupt inbred sonofabitch, and buying, selling, possessing, or even using them is against the Goddamned law, and has been for as long as we've known what the hell this shit would do to people's brains. You, and the other posterchildren for birth-control who like to send stupid emails pouring your flea-flicking hearts out because you are skeered of having to face your own stupidity in the Police hiring process should have thought about the consequences of your actions when you were sucking on burning ragweed. Please give up all hope of ever tainting the uniform of a professional peace officer. I am personally tired of watching scrubs like you waste the time of background investigators and polygraph analysts. And by the way, I really wish you wouldn't bother the crap out of my brother (and sister) officers on the street by telling them through your snaggle-tooth smile about how you "would be POH-LEECE, but you wanted to make more money than they do".

Signed with all due disrespect,

Da' Bear.

Do you have some stupid, no-brainer question that you want da' Bear to abuse you over? Send them to countybear@lawenforcementforum s.c om.

**Jenna** · 09-30-07, 06:26 AM

Originally Posted by countybear

You couldn't be the Goddamned police in Amsterdam, motherfucker. You see, drugs are illegal in the United States, you intellectually bankrupt inbred sonofabitch.

What a classically countybearian combination of wit and profanity!

Did you actually get this in an email? You need a better spam filter! Can't wait to see how you respond to all those Third World officials imploring you to help them launder money.

**BEB** · 09-30-07, 06:56 AM

Mr Billy /special/ Ed,

Son, I wouldn't trust you with my oldest still on the furthest hill. You'd give yourself lead poisoning before you ever got a batch through it.

Have you ever considered a job in public education? Hold on now, don't worry, if you write "Edjamacation" on a bit of cardboard that's as good as a degree. Just don't let them look close.

Make sure you aren't smoking during your employment interview. If you must smoke something, smoke some Mary Jane as tobacco is both out of fashion and more illegal to smoke inside school buildings just now.

Just because I understand you doesn't mean I want you on my staff. Private employer doesn't mean all you do is your own.

The next time you contact me you had better have a clear plan for your life or your drug riddled application will be forwarded on to other hiring agencies for their records. Last chance, Bill.

Regards,
Not your employer,
--BEB