Marriage

**213th** · 10-03-07, 08:58 AM

With the soaring divorce rates in the country, what would those of you that are or have been married say is critical to maintaining a successful, fruitful and lasting marriage? What are key things to avoid that are detrimental to marriage? How did you know that the one you married was the 'right' one? And what were things that you wish you had done differently? What are common things in a new marriage that pose problems? How are they to be avoided? How long did you date before you were married? What do you do on a long term basis to avoid a stagnant relationship?

**conalabu** · 10-03-07, 09:17 AM

Don't ever think you are going to change someone. They are who they are. All those things that are irritating to you now will irritate you after you get married too.

Romance is a winner, everyday, everyway.

**nsb22** · 10-03-07, 10:27 AM

You have to find someone who you are truly interested in. You have to care about what they care about and if you guys have common interests, then it is all the better. You can have things that you don't have in common as well, but if you have something in common than you will at least have something to talk about.

You can't be selfish. That is the most important thing.

**nsb22** · 10-03-07, 10:30 AM

I meant to add that NO ONE should get married under 30ish. I met my wife when I was 19, we were married when I was 21 and now we have both realized that we aren't meant for each other.

Don't marry someone just because you are afraid of being alone when you get older. Don't marry someone just because you don't think anyone will ever love you like the current girl seems too.

I know that some people marry young and stay together for a long time. I also know that people marry young get devorced. There are many reasons as to why.

Good luck with what ever you choose. If you marry someone and then have kids and then realize that you aren't meant for each other, DO NOT stay together thinking it will be better for the kids. Your kids will realize that mommy and daddy shouldn't be together. You can trust me on that!

**Trojan 42** · 10-03-07, 10:34 AM

Have different friends and interests. You don't have to do everything together, but she should be your best friend as well as your wife. Oh and accept the fact that you will always be wrong. You are expected to be a painter and decorator, plumber, electrician etc., but even if you are, what you do will never be good enough! Apart from that it's pretty much a breeze.

(I got engaged after 6 weeks and have been married for 33 years now, so am still working it out. )

**kjlaw** · 10-03-07, 10:39 AM

I knew my wife for four months before we were married and are now going on nine years and it was very easy once I learned that I am wrong and will always be wrong.

**Willowdared** · 10-03-07, 10:46 AM

As Nsb said, don't get married for the wrong reasons, and from the other side....listen to any warning signals.

Don''t let your own expectations get in the way of your happiness as a couple.

At the risk of sounding biblical....cleave unto each other. When you get married, you become a team, and your loyalty should be to your "team."

**lynnz05** · 10-03-07, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by nsb22

If you marry someone and then have kids and then realize that you aren't meant for each other, DO NOT stay together thinking it will be better for the kids. Your kids will realize that mommy and daddy shouldn't be together. You can trust me on that!

+50000000000 Coming from experience I could not agree with you more on this post NSB. When I was growing up I knew my parents were not happy together, they never talked and lived/slept basically on different levels of the house. Me and my sister hated it and it has cause ALOT of tension between us and our dad (amongst other reasons for tension). Also I am finding that I have a harder time showing affection (basically knowing how) with my significant other, as I did not see any growing up. When I was younger I would get very very depressed and pissed off thinking about it, would make my self extremely sick atleast 2 times every 6 months. Me and my sister have talked about it many times and have agreed that at that point in time we would have been much happier if they would have gotten divorced and been happy apart instead of thinking they were making us happy by being together, because they were not. As time has gone by and they have been living together without kids, I think things have gotten better. I think they are both lonely and have atleast learned how to talk to each other again. But it does hurt the children more to see two unhappy parents together than two happy parents apart.

1*girl · 10-03-07, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by lynnz05

But it does hurt the children more to see two unhappy parents together than two happy parents apart.

Amen, to both of you.

I can't say much since I'm completely inexperienced in the marriage arena, but communication and respect are two of what I consider highly important qualities. I grew up in a household where one parent wouldn't (or couldn't) communicate or respect the other. Everything was/is his way or the highway which in turn creates a lot of tension and hostility in a place that is supposed to be your haven from that. After 26 years of marriage, my mother is just now learning how to stand up for herself.

**Buttercup** · 10-03-07, 11:54 AM

Well since other singles have chimed in, I will too. My parents have been married for over 40 years. I'm sure that not everything was great and perfect, but growing up (and even now) I was honestly never aware of any problems. That's not to say that there weren't any - just that I was not made aware of them. My dad says that we are a team - if something affects one of us, it affects all of us. The thing that I see in them is that they each supported the other in reaching their personal and family goals, they truly love each other and they are each other's best friend. They have common interests, but they also have separate interests. Among other things, my dad goes off on his motorcycle with his buddies for weekend trips and my mom goes on weekend trips with her friends.

What Con said about romance is true. The two things I find most endearing about my parents' marriage is that each still has the ability to occasionally surprise the other (although it sometimes takes a lot of strategy), and when they're apart for a few days, they still miss each other. My dad would be lost without my mom, and vice versa.

If I decide to marry, it will be to the man I consider to be my best friend. I don't want the person I can imagine myself with many years down the road.....I want the man I can't imagine myself without.

**Virginian** · 10-03-07, 11:55 AM

Find new and innovative ways to spank it.

I mean... get into video games. And always tell each other the truth. And be supportive and attentive.

**213th** · 10-03-07, 12:19 PM

Thanks guys. And gals.

Originally Posted by 1*girl

Everything was/is his way or the highway which in turn creates a lot of tension and hostility in a place that is supposed to be your haven from that. .

Replace the his with hers and that fits the last 10 or so years of my dad's married life. She divorced him a week short of their 33 year mark. Despite that, I learned a lot from my dad, but I think there is such a thing as too much loyalty...

Originally Posted by Trojan 42

(I got engaged after 6 weeks and have been married for 33 years now, so am still working it out. )

I feel I could learn much from you. Even though you are English

So, is it safe to say that a lasting marriage is ever changing and evolving?

**Code6** · 10-03-07, 12:21 PM

My wife and I have been married for 11 years. Boy do we have some good arguments. But, we make lots of compromises. A marriage is not a one person show. It requires WORK on a daily basis. I recently totally screwed up and felt really guilty about a bad decision that I made that affected the both of us. I told her about it. She was really pissed, but she forgave me. The reason she forgave me, is because she didn't have to seek out the truth, it confronted her. One thing that helps is we DON'T KEEP SECRETS FROM ONE ANOTHER. We make all of our big money decisions together.

The common things that are problems in a young or new marriage, is money, and individual free time. When I got married my wife wouldn't let me out her sight. In the process she learned to hunt and fish, because I wasn't going to give up my "therapy". Now I have a hunting and fishing buddy forever. I could ramble on and on for quite awhile.

Here is a piece of advice that works for both men and women. Choose a mate that is your intellecutal equal or superior. This keeps the arguments a whole lot shorter, "Because she is always right."

**nsb22** · 10-03-07, 02:56 PM

One last saying for ya. Don't marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without.

Again, good luck to you and whatever you do!

**Five-0** · 10-03-07, 02:59 PM

You won't change someone is the big secret. Just make sure you are ready to be married. Are you grown up? Are you financially ready to begin a family? Without the finance there is no romance.

**SaraJ** · 10-03-07, 03:52 PM

Such wonderful advice from everyone!! Being divorced, I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't marry someone just because you feel it's time to get married. Don't marry someone just because the chemistry is right. You need to be able to get along with the person out of bed too. Communicate with the person. No one is a mind reader, they're not going to know what you want or how you feel unless you tell them. And insist that they tell you how they feel and what they want. Take your wife into account when making decisions but remember that you are the boss, it's your duty to make the decision.

And, it wouldn't hurt if she could cook!!

**Elle** · 10-03-07, 04:09 PM

Or you can do like me and decide to stay single for the rest of your life.

**Motorwaycop** · 10-03-07, 04:28 PM

This thread made me think.....hard to believe I know, being a traffic cop and all...
I have been married for 22yrs and my wife was the first proper girlfriend I had(I was16 she was 14) , so my experience of relationships is limited.
The end result of racking my brains for a large number of seconds was that I have got absolutely no reason for how we are still together.
Except to say you both have to be able to count to 10 occasionally before saying something.
My only other advice as a bloke is "Women remember everything"
You may not deem that conversation you had 15yrs ago as important or memorable but believe me they will remember every word!

**Tony** · 10-03-07, 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by Trojan 42

Have different friends and interests. You don't have to do everything together, but she should be your best friend as well as your wife. Oh and accept the fact that you will always be wrong. You are expected to be a painter and decorator, plumber, electrician etc., but even if you are, what you do will never be good enough! Apart from that it's pretty much a breeze.

(I got engaged after 6 weeks and have been married for 33 years now, so am still working it out. )

Yes mate, well said . . . I accepted this many moons ago!!! We got married in 85 and she's still my best friend. Of course, a willingness to communicate helps.

. . . and say "Yes dear" . . . . . a lot!!!!