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Thread: Waxing, beware!

  1. #1
    PapaBear's Avatar
    PapaBear is offline SgtCHP-Retired
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    Waxing, beware!

    FOR ALL YOU LADIES---Wax is not your friend!

    ** CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now...the wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

    It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
    (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
    stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

    I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
    It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
    I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
    Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

    Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
    I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.
    I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
    Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
    *Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
    My head may pop off!"

    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
    I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

    God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

    She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
    YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!

    I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

    THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

    So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
    Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now thats funny . Notttttttttt
    Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.
    [George Washington (1732 - 1799)]


  2. #2
    gozling's Avatar
    gozling is offline the gene pool could use a little chlorine
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    very funny
    all hair removal systems are evil
    http://www.allpoetry.com/Grunts%20Girl

    We dallied under
    Vine maples and sapling alders
    Searched for lady slippers
    But instead
    Found blackberry riots and
    Desiccated branches

    An old skid road
    Brought ghost ferns and
    Hollows filled with
    Skunk cabbage
    While waves wrapped
    Intricate lacings of weeds
    'Round mule spinners

    His cyanotic eyes
    Were hard enough to make
    The sun turn tail and
    Tender enough to attract me
    To his world of illusion

  3. #3
    mack's Avatar
    mack is offline Officer Resource Offical Auctioneer
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    Ha ha ha ha ha now that is too funny!

    Goz you are right they are evil.

    My dad, I miss him every day.

    Originally Posted by Wolven
    Life is too short to wear unsexy underwear.


    I am a female!!!!! LMAO

    Be who you are and say what you feel.....
    Because those that matter...don't mind...
    And those that mind...don't matter

  4. #4
    suellen446's Avatar
    suellen446 is offline Officer First Class
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    that was hysterical

  5. #5
    armsmaster270's Avatar
    armsmaster270 is offline Ret. Sac. P.D. - 270th M.P. Co., Now with D.H.S.
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    I've read that before but it still brought tears to my eyes. Now if I can just stop laughing.


    Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer. --Al Bundy

    http://www.armsmaster.net-a.googlepages.com

  6. #6
    Ender's Avatar
    Ender is offline Three Sheets...
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    its stories like this that convince me to find a woman who likes hairy guys

  7. #7
    Illiy is offline Corporal
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    Evil.... but necessary...


  8. #8
    Resident Smart Ass's Avatar
    Resident Smart Ass is offline I ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE
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    Hair does body good
    Don't you just hate it when someone's balls are hidden so well, they can't seem to find it themselves ~ RSA

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    people. You can't please everybody. But remember, they wouldn't bother if you meant nothing.


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  9. #9
    TheeBadOne's Avatar
    TheeBadOne is offline Why so serious?
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    Back in the day when ever a gal commented on body hair, I looked her straight in the eye and said: Hey, would you pet a dog with no fur?
    "When I'm driving along and I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN AHEAD,
    I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children"!

  10. #10
    Vendetta's Avatar
    Vendetta is offline Today, We are All Hokies
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    Quote Originally Posted by Illiy View Post
    Evil.... but necessary...

    Hmmm........Someone is slick
    "And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway", Buford T. Justice

    #1 Rule in Police: Sometimes its easier to ask Forgiveness than it is to ask Permission

    No one knows what it's like
    To be the bad man
    To be the sad man
    Behind blue eyes

  11. #11
    TheeBadOne's Avatar
    TheeBadOne is offline Why so serious?
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    Show me, Wax on Wax off.
    "When I'm driving along and I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN AHEAD,
    I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children"!

  12. #12
    PapaBear's Avatar
    PapaBear is offline SgtCHP-Retired
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    Finely waxed ..........Gotta hurt!!!!



    Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.
    [George Washington (1732 - 1799)]


 

 

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