Am I a Homewrecker?

**121Traffic** · 03-03-06, 02:22 AM

Okay guys and girls, I am in a bit of a pickle...if you have the time, read to the end. It's like a John Cuzack movie, swear to god.

So I've known this girl for a good while, a little over a year. Really cute, my age, just a fun chick. We didn't really see eachother that often. When we did, it was friendly, never really flirtacious. A couple months after I met her, she started dating some dude, and they've now been engaged for about 6 months, and have a house together. Oh yeah, she also has a two year old son from a previous relationship.

Anyhow, fast forward to about 2 months ago. A mutual friend (fellow LEO who is female) comes in and starts teasing me about how this girl, we'll call her Mary, has this big crush on me. I tell her to can it, Mary is engaged. She's all yeah, that doesn't change the fact that she still thinks you're hot.

So I do what guys all over would do in this position. I exploit it!

Every time I see her, I'm extra suave, extra flirtacious, etc. etc. Well, Mary after a couple weeks of the drastic change goes to my co-worker and says "Did you tell him??" Co-worker folds under the pressure and tells her. Mary knows that I know what she thinks of me now.

When I saw her next, it was a bit awkward, as we both knew that the other knew...if that makes any sense. That didn't last long, as we actually started to become pretty good friends. Well, it turns out that her engagement is not quite the fairy-tale that she hoped for. Her boyfriend has turned out to be kind of a liar...little white lies, but they're about things that are important to her, i.e. that he spent the day looking at possible sites for the wedding with her dad, when he really did no such thing. How much he spent on flowers for Valentine's Day, etc. In addition, she's not a fan in how he treats her kid....that's a whole story in and of itself. Either way, she's just getting the feeling that the marriage is not meant to be, and is in fear that maybe she is staying with him because it is convenient (having a live-in sitter, etc) She says she loves him...she thinks. Uh oh, right? I don't say anything...EVER. COmpletely neutral...I don't take a position either way in the conversation. I just let her vent.

Well, we end up starting to text message...a lot. Phone calls too. She comes by work for dinner with me sometimes if she can swing a sitter. We are becoming pretty chummy I guess. Well, a couple weeks back, I am on my Friday at work. I am sceduled til 3am, but am planning on flexing some training time out and starting my weekend early and leaving at 1am. I get a text message at about 2345 from her..."What are you doing?" Working, why? "I am at XYZ bar with some friends, gonna see if you wanted to hang out." I finagle out of work at midnight and head over to the place about 10 mins away...time enough for a couple of cold ones.

We are leaving the place and say our goodbyes. I stop at a nearby gas station to fill up, my phon beeps. "Are you going home?" At the gas station right now, why? "I dunno...nevermind." No what's up? Are you okay? "Yea...you're really cute and I still wanted to hang out....." Uh oh...I tried to reason that maybe one of her friends was messing around...I couln't fathom her actually coming out and saying this.

Anyhow, the next day, I text her andshe apologizes for the message. I told her not to be, and vaguely said "Don't be sorry...after all, I'm the one that came to see you right?" That smoothed things over, and we planned to meet for dinner in a couple nights. The next night, I saw her driving through my city at night, so I pulled her over

. We talk for a bit, confirm dinner plans, etc. She goes on her way...later that night I get a text. "I love you in uniform...please be safe tonight. I'm going to bed, sweet dreams...." WE go to dinner a few days later (She meets me in my city as I am on duty). Later that night, she texts me, thanking me for paying. I told her no problem, I had a good time. She texts "I had fun too...didn't want it to end. ; )" UH OH.

I can't lie...I am really attracted to this girl...to the point where I can't get enough of her. You know that feeling? When you are in the initial stages and you just can't get enough of them? I love that feeling, and unfortunately I'm going through it now with an engaged chick who has already bought a HOUSE with her fiance.

Our texts are really flirtacious...NEVER anything sexual or inappropriate...just playful "I know you know I think you're cute" type attitude to them. We watched Wedding Crashers one night and let me tell you...we could barely look at eachother, it was a little close to home, LOL.

So, fast forward to this week. We share a day off...she's got Tues/Wed, I've got Wed/Thurs. We plan to hang out last night at a nearby bar...it's ladies night so she'll drink free.

I suggest she bring a friend...more as a safety precaution to keep me in line than anything else. I am doing my damnedest not to be a factor if her relationship goes down the tubes. I really am. It may not seem like it, but that's how I feel. Her guy might be a schmutz, but he might really love her, and if I put myself in his shoes, I know I would be super hurt to find my GF out with someone in my shoes.

She comes out with another girl who used to work for us as a Dispatcher. Really cool girl, so I was excited in her choice of company. Long story short, it didn't help. LOL The night was MUCH more physical in nature, due mainly to the beer lowering our inhibitions about being physically flirtacious. NOrmally, I shy away from it for the already-mentioned reasons. This night, we're touching arms, hugging, hands through hair, even holding hands sometimes. The last song of the night is that Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow slow duet thing. Spur of the moment, with 7 beers in me, I grab her by the hand and take her to the packed dance floor (this place is a big country western place with a central line dance floor...they play everything from alternative to hip hop to country on Ladies Night). We start dancing Jr. High style....you know, arms length away, as a joke. That didn't last...we ended up as close as you can get...the bast way to dance.

Both my arms fully encircling her waist, her arms around my neck, her face buried in my collar bone. W aren't even talking. At one point, we bump into another couple, and I'm a smartass about it..."Christ woman? Where are you taking us?" She looks straight at me, dead pan..."I don't know where we're going, but I don't care as long as you're with me." She then puts her head back down. Her hands are running through my hair, mine are rubbing her back and she mumbles..."I'm still engaged..." like she's about to cry. Song ends, we find our friend, and leave. Friend drops me off before taking the two of them home. I tell her to call me when she gets home.

She calls, we talk for a bit. She's got to work in 5 hours, etc etc. She says she'll call me while she's working to make her life the hell of being up that early and hungover. I say it's a deal.

Fast forward to today, and I am a wreck. I don't know what to think. I really like this girl...we have an unbelievable time together. She's so easygoing, I feel like I'm cheating when we hang out. Last night's events were against my better judgment..in hindsight. Meanwhile, I texted her today, no response. She didn't call. I haven't heard from her at all. I'll see her Saturday, and if I on't hear from her before then, I won't know what to think. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I've got it bad!

If you read this far, congratulations! And thanks...so give it to me straight. Am I a homewrecker? Am I whipped? Did she not call me today because maybe she's feeling guilty about crossing a line last night? Am I just an asshole?

Cheech · 03-03-06, 02:40 AM

Dood personally I think your fine. but give her a ultimatum. If she is happy with that dood she will stay. If she is not then by all means she shouldnt be with him. Just dont get too attached right now. Tell her dont flirt with me unless you wanna be with me.

Cris1102 · 03-03-06, 02:54 AM

I voted that you are not a homewrecker...people can't help they're feelings. And lots of people rush into decisions like getting engaged. If after being engaged she has doubts then more than likely it will not work out. And I can tell you if she said that her b/f doesn't treat her son well, it WON"T work, whether you are in the picture or not. But I don't agree with giving her an ultimatem. Any time you make someone feel pressured into having to make a decision and then later it doesn't work out, they can and often will blame you b/c they had felt pressured. Just let it works it's course at a natural pace and be patient.

She may not have called you for lots of reasons, nothing to do with her having feelings of guilt or regret. But being a female I can tell you it may be that she's wondering if you are having any regrets or wondering if you think less of her for doing what she is doing.

Sometimes women feel strange about being the one to call first. I vote for you to call her and see how it goes.

Remember women are sensitive. It means a lot more when the guy calls. Call her!

Cheech · 03-03-06, 02:56 AM

Im not saying pressure her. All im sayin is say "hey your engaged". That should spell it out

Cris1102 · 03-03-06, 03:13 AM

Originally Posted by Lasvegasog

Im not saying pressure her. All im sayin is say "hey your engaged". That should spell it out

I'm sure she already knows that.

I'm not saying you were saying to pressure her, but giving her an ultimatem is applying presssure, that's all I was saying, Sweetie.

Cheech · 03-03-06, 03:15 AM

Remember when I gave you a ultimatem?

Cris1102 · 03-03-06, 03:22 AM

Originally Posted by Lasvegasog

Remember when I gave you a ultimatem?

Yeah, and you see what happened....why are you trying to get 121 to lose his girl too?

katiemh · 03-03-06, 07:07 AM

Oh geez, kid. You should've called me on this a long time ago.

Here's the thing. If the situation stays as is... everyone is going to get hurt. In this type of situation she can't make a rationale, logical, unbiased decision. Right now she basically has the best of both worlds, even though it doesn't seem that way, she does. She has some guy at home that wants to marry her and a guy that is absolutely incredible that she gets to hang out with, pine for, who completely pines for her. Once the chase is over, reality will set in with the two of you... but the chase will never be over for y'all until her engagement breaks off. My personal opinion is you should back off. Don't give an ultimatum because it wouldn't work anyway. Just be aware that she needs time to rethink her current situation and decide if it's not good for her at all or if it's just not good for her when you're around.

Basically, this situation isn't fair to her fiance because he's not getting 100% from the person he's about to commit the rest of his life to. It's not fair to you because you can't even date this girl and yet, your feelings are completely being toyed with. It's not even fair to her because you're making the grass look greener when in reality her situation might just need a bit of working on. For all we know, she could just be scared of getting married... this guy *might* be a good guy who loves her and her son immensely. Nobody knows exactly what is going on in this girl's head except her, and even she might not know. All we know is that you're making the other side look greener right now.

Have I made any sense?

I would rather see you get involved with someone who has their life sorted and knows what they want than someone who is turned upside down and inside out. I fear that this might not be everything you think it is.

If you want to discuss further, you know how to reach me.

**Virginian** · 03-03-06, 08:31 AM

I think it's time for a hit and run

**StanSwitek** · 03-03-06, 08:41 AM

She is playing games with you. Consider hitting it & kicking her to the curb.

MountainCop · 03-03-06, 08:55 AM

IMHO - she needs to end it with the b/f before you and her start it. Start your new relationship right.

**Virginian** · 03-03-06, 09:06 AM

She sounds like trouble in my opinion anyhow. If she was serious enough before to get engaged, then just drops the guy for you, you have to consider what that means for your future.

**Vendetta** · 03-03-06, 09:30 AM

If you have the balls to do it then tell her you want her to kick him to the curb.
I say that because im in a similar situation. Except Im the one with a girlfriend but I still love my ex. I love to talk to my ex and text my ex and talking to my girlfriend is like having my teeth pulled. I only see my g/f about once a week as opposed to her living with me for the whole month of Nov. The thing is I just dont want to hurt my g/f by breaking it off with her for another woman but I cant give my ex up. I could type out the whole story but it would take several pages.
But good luck to you

**KaiGywer** · 03-03-06, 09:56 AM

Are you a home wrecker? No. However, starting a relationship through an affair (you guys are getting pretty close..), probably isn't the smartest idea. How do you know she won't still be doing this kind of a thing if/when she's with you?

FishTail · 03-03-06, 11:11 AM

Originally Posted by MountainCop

IMHO - she needs to end it with the b/f before you and her start it. Start your new relationship right.

This is the shortest post that I agreed with. +1 on that.

**kdm0409** · 03-03-06, 11:24 AM

Originally Posted by LongTail

This is the shortest post that I agreed with. +1 on that.

I agree with you and MC about her needing to end it with her current guy before starting something new.. I have been there and done that.. I was engaged before and started falling for someone else. In reality I got engaged b/c I thought that was what I wanted and at that time it was not what I wanted at all. I did not want to get married.. So I was looking for a way out and I found it by falling for someone else. Needless to say that didn't work out and our relationship didn't last... There was no trust between us really, b/c we both felt like we were cheating and I was...

I am now engaged again and I truly love this guy and do want to marry him...So if she is true to herself she will decide what she needs to do. Give her time and space to decide on her own.

MountainCop · 03-03-06, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by kdm0409

I agree with you and MC about her needing to end it with her current guy before starting something new.. I have been there and done that.. I was engaged before and started falling for someone else. In reality I got engaged b/c I thought that was what I wanted and at that time it was not what I wanted at all. I did not want to get married.. So I was looking for a way out and I found it by falling for someone else. Needless to say that didn't work out and our relationship didn't last... There was no trust between us really, b/c we both felt like we were cheating and I was...

I am now engaged again and I truly love this guy and do want to marry him...So if she is true to herself she will decide what she needs to do. Give her time and space to decide on her own.

First off, thanks

Second, congrats on the engagement

Third - a 'rebound' relationship almost NEVER succeeds. Too much baggage, too much distrust.

And LongTail is a rep ho!

michiganstud · 03-03-06, 12:25 PM

You can't help who you fall in love with. I say go for it. If she falls for you you can't help that.

FishTail · 03-03-06, 12:44 PM

Originally Posted by MountainCop

And LongTail is a rep ho!

**121Traffic** · 03-03-06, 12:53 PM

Originally Posted by michiganstud

You can't help who you fall in love with. I say go for it. If she falls for you you can't help that.

Easy there fella! It's still early!

No, but I understand waht you meant. Thanks everyone for the advice here. I can't just "Bag it and tag it." I am way past that stage with her, to the point that I do care about her a lot and if I have to back off in order to save her from getting hurt, then that's what'll have to happen.

I called her today at work, just to say hi. She seemed relieved to hear from me. I guess she texted me twice yesterday with no response. She admitted to not getting a chance to call, but said that she did text me. Ihave no reason not to believe her, as I use Nextel, and they fairly suck for that type of thing. We talked for a bit, and she had to run. We try to keep it short as her phones (she works in a Dispatch center) are all recorded.

I think I'm going to take some of the EXCELLENT advice here. I suppose that I should let you all know that her last boyfriend was a cheater...and as such, she despises them. I'm not a fan of it either, so it's pretty safe to say that she and I will consciously AVOID having an "affair" at all costs...at least in the physical sense. I'm just going to take it one day at a time, and eventually we are going to have to have the "What are we doing?" talk. I'm going to play it by ear for now to see if it will really be necessary in the long run.

Katie, I'll give you a call sometime soon...I think I can still scrounge your number out of the back of my black book.

(

) I liked your line about whether she has to determine whether the grass truly IS greener on the other side, or whether she just thinks its greener when she's with me. Thanks...that was invaluable in terms of putting everything in perspective.

The poll is still open for another couple days. Vote, and let me know if you think I'm an asshole!