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  1. #1
    jmiahhenry's Avatar
    jmiahhenry is offline Rookie
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    Daughters start dating

    I was wondering how many of you use your badge and gun to intimidate your daughter's first boy friends. I know that for me I am going to do the same approach as Will Smith and Martin Lawerence in Bad Boys II. (the scene is known as reggie) But I have about 12 years!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_Y9SQhcIjw
    J-Miah

  2. #2
    cajunguy's Avatar
    cajunguy is offline I LOVE my ParaOrd .45ACP!
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    This is a little long, and it's likely been posted before.

    But since you asked, here are some tips (it's from a Marine, but can apply to cops as well):


    RULES FOR DATING A MARINE'S DAUGHTER
    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open- minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
    T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Chu Lai. When my Agent Orange or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and leave. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


    Oh - and good luck.


    .
    The Swamp Mafia -
    "Heaven doesn't want us,
    and Hell's afraid we'll take over!!"
    .

  3. #3
    CTR man's Avatar
    CTR man is offline Officer First Class
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    Cajunguy, I was thinking of this very exact thing and you beat me to it. I snoozed and lost. Better luck next time.


    Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.

    Not a LEO

    In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
    In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.









  4. #4
    pgg's Avatar
    pgg
    pgg is online now Damnit, I'm hungry again.
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    I had a girlfriend once whose dad was much like this..... Name:_________________________ __Date of Birth:______________________
    Height:____________ Weight:____________ I.Q.___________ GPA:_________
    Social Security Number:___________________ Driver's License #:____________
    Boy Scout Rank:_________________________ __________________________
    Home Address:______________________ ______ City:____________________
    State:________________________ ____ Zip Code:_______________________

    ============================== =========================


    How fast can you run: 40 yards?_______________ 2 miles?___________________
    Do you own a? A)Van____ B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ C)Waterbed?_____
    Do you have an earring, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________
    NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8,
    discontinue the application process and leave the premises. Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised. !

    In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________
    ______________________________ ______________________________ _____
    In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__
    ______________________________ ______________________________ _____
    In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________
    ______________________________ ______________________________ _____
    Church you Attend:___________________ How often do you attend?____________
    When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________
    Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
    (That means I won't tell anyone, ever)
    If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.
    If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.
    A Women's place is in the _________________________.
    The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.
    In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.
    My greatest fear is____________________________ ______________.
    When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________.
    NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B",
    discontinue the application process and leave the premises.
    Keep your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
    What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?___________________________ _
    Have you ever been fingerprinted?______ Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________
    Your dentist is__________________ Emergency phone #_________________________

  5. #5
    jmiahhenry's Avatar
    jmiahhenry is offline Rookie
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    LOL
    J-Miah

  6. #6
    Car 4's Avatar
    Car 4 is offline CID Chief
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    I never went so far as all that with MY ONLY DAUGHTER..... but I did ID them at the door....and NO ONE ever took her out without coming inside and getting the once over. Her brothers were pretty careful about who she was seeing too.

    Maclean once threw a dumbass off my deck and nearly broke his neck....because he had her pinned against a wall...then phoned me at my hotel to see if he was going to be arrested.

    She picked a winner and all is good now.

    Car 4
    I would like my country back. I used to believe that one man could never destroy this country. Not so sure anymore!

  7. #7
    MissMyCaprice's Avatar
    MissMyCaprice is offline Master Officer
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    I never badged my daughters' boyfriends. They already knew. But twice i "just happened" to be cleaning the AR-15 on the dining room table after shooting when the date would show up. One of those kids looked, asked me when my daughter needed to be home (midnight), and made my daughter leave the dance at 11:40, even though you can see my house from the school.

    I always told them that they were grounded one day for every ten minutes they were late, and by the half-hour, I would be out in my car, looking.

    Good luck with that, raising daughters.

  8. #8
    Just KC's Avatar
    Just KC is offline Who?......Me?
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    I am scared at the thought.......but I spose if they can get past her two older brothers, and then her big dad...they will probably be OK.

    Knowing my daughter and how she is now......i may even be a lil afraid for the boy LOL She is one spitfire who can hold her own.......Haven't a clue where she got that from
    **********************
    ~Karie

    "I used to care
    but now I take a pill for that"

  9. #9
    Terminator's Avatar
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    I think I'd tell her to not be so damn uptight with putting out. Teach her how to use that thing to boss men around.


















    I'm kidding.....good luck

  10. #10
    CT209's Avatar
    CT209 is offline Once..... Forever
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    Quote Originally Posted by Terminator View Post
    I think I'd tell her to not be so damn uptight with putting out. Teach her how to use that thing to boss men around.

    I'm kidding.....good luck
    That was just wrong.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Funny, but wrong! Easy for me to say- i had a son.

    Some comedian had this whole skit on sons and daughters about the ease to raise a son and the difficulty to raise a daughter.

    His take was something like this:

    Your son comes home and tells you his girlfriend is prego.

    The only answer is to slap him on the back and say, "I knew you had it in boy- here... have a beer!

    Your daughter comes home and tells you she's prego.

    What do you do? Tell her she can't use the car for a week?

    Seriously, from what I gather it's hard to let your baby girl go out and date when you can probably remember what you were like as a kid.... if you were that oversexed teenage boy.
    "When a crime is committed, liberals blame society. Conservatives blame the criminal." -Debra Saunders

    Old Scottish Motto- "nemo me impune laccessit". It still holds true today.

  11. #11
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is offline Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
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    Mines 6 so I have about 40 years until she begins to date but I expect the conversation with her date to go something like this.

    Hello son, how are you?
    Fine sir.
    Oh I see you used the word sir. I don't like you already.
    Sir that's a lot of knives you have there.
    Yes it is. They are very sharp. Here let me show you. *cuts paper in half*
    Wow that's really sharp.
    Yes it is. Do you know why I'm sitting here sharping these knives while my daughter is getting ready for your date?
    I would imagine that it has something to do with slitting my throat should I be stupid enough to touch your daughter.
    I'm offended son. I would never do something so obviously deadly. Here's the deal. If you want to go home with everything you came here with then I suggest you bring my daughter home with everything she left here with. If you fuck this up I will split you from belly to back bone. I will remove your cock and balls and mount them over my fireplace mantel. I don't hunt so I need some kind of trophy there.
    The rules of life are simple don't make things difficult. Always remember that I don't like you. I never will. Even if you wind up being my daughters husband. I will tolerate you but that is all. I want you to think of my face everytime you try and have sex with her. And don't ever say the word sex in my presence. Ever. If my daughter becomes with child it will be by immaculate conception and don't ever make me think different.
    I see you are here to pick her up at 2000hrs and you were right on time. I expect you to leave at 2030hrs and be back at 2035hrs. Be on time and have fun.
    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  12. #12
    CTR man's Avatar
    CTR man is offline Officer First Class
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    Funny thing though, when I was dating my wife, it was not her dad that I had to win over but her mom. Took me a better part of 5 years. Her dad was a former US Army Drill Sgt, even. I even had to be sized up by my wifes maternal grandfather, YIKES!!!

    Here are a couple of music clips to do along with this post. Anybody ever hear of Rodney Atkins?
    Cleaning This Gun. I love the look on the boys face. Priceless.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBXBTMU1JRs

    This one is just the words.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjO9k...eature=related


    Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.

    Not a LEO

    In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
    In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.









  13. #13
    gopherpuckfan's Avatar
    gopherpuckfan is offline I'm from the government and I'm here to help
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    Plain and simple...

    With a son, you only have to worry about one dick. With a daughter, you have to worry about every other one.
    The views expressed in the above post are the sole opinion of the author and do not reflect any official position by the author's employer and/or municipality.

  14. #14
    MacLean's Avatar
    MacLean is offline O/R Gun mod
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmiahhenry View Post
    I was wondering how many of you use your badge and gun to intimidate your daughter's first boy friends. I know that for me I am going to do the same approach as Will Smith and Martin Lawerence in Bad Boys II. (the scene is known as reggie) But I have about 12 years!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_Y9SQhcIjw
    Fortunately, I have sons.
    I'm your huckleberry...

    Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentus telum est!

    You can be the weapon, and the gun in your hand is a tool - or the gun is a weapon and you are the tool.


    I was looking for a saint who was a devil of a lover,
    but every girl I found was either one way or the other...



  15. #15
    MacLean's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Car 4 View Post
    I never went so far as all that with MY ONLY DAUGHTER..... but I did ID them at the door....and NO ONE ever took her out without coming inside and getting the once over. Her brothers were pretty careful about who she was seeing too.

    Maclean once threw a dumbass off my deck and nearly broke his neck....because he had her pinned against a wall...then phoned me at my hotel to see if he was going to be arrested.

    She picked a winner and all is good now.

    Car 4
    That kid was a dumbass, but I sort of enjoyed playing frisbee.
    I'm your huckleberry...

    Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentus telum est!

    You can be the weapon, and the gun in your hand is a tool - or the gun is a weapon and you are the tool.


    I was looking for a saint who was a devil of a lover,
    but every girl I found was either one way or the other...



  16. #16
    CTR man's Avatar
    CTR man is offline Officer First Class
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    Quote Originally Posted by maclean View Post
    Fortunately, I have sons.
    Well then, maclean. You might just appreciate this one that I just found, or maybe your wife will.

    Rule One: If my son gathers his courage and asks you for a date, this is not an opportunity to run all your errands with my car. Sweetie, you will not ask him to take you on any little side trips to anywhere, especially the mall, where he will be expected to tag along after you as you use him first as your personal chauffeur, then as your bearer for your packages. He has his heart and soul wrapped up in taking you out, for whatever reason that may be, and he has a heart of gold, very simply, you will not take advantage of him. This will simply not happen, right? And therefore, I simply will not hustle your shapely little behind down my front steps to dump you in the trunk with your precious packages and UPS the entire bundle to Tibet, either... right?

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my son in front of me. Period... No clinging, no hugging, not even holding hands. You may glance at him, but any glances going beneath the belt will get you an immediate expulsion from my house. You will find your feet hitting the pavement faster than your gum-snapping mouth can shriek "What?? What did I do??"


    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their shirts with the bottom half ripped off, where any sudden movement threatens to expose yourself to any casual passerby or with necklines so low that your breasts nearly tumble out, so, please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moronic sluts. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with breasts hanging out, and looking like you are trying out for a job with Hugh Heffner, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your shirt actually does not expose any unintended flesh, I will feel free to helpfully use my hot glue gun to fasten it to your midriff and or chest. Watch the makeup while you're at it too. Should you show up with your face painted garish colors and reeking of perfume like the Whore of Babylon, I will take great pleasure in helpfully introducing you to a scrub brush and a bar of Lava soap...

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've are enlightened about sex, and have all the latest information on diseases and methods of contraception. You may even be using one of these methods, "just in case". Yes, I am sure that you are well informed. Well, I'd like to offer one wee extra bit of information for your general edification - if you even THINK of touching my son in an intimate fashion, I will break every bone in your hands - no questions asked - just to helpfully remind you of my favorite method of contraception, which is this nifty "new" idea called "abstinence" until marriage...

    Rule Five:
    I have noted that the recent fashions have tended towards piercing various, shall we say, "interesting" body parts. I have no real problems with your basic pierced eyebrow, nose, lip, tongue or belly button, honest, but be aware that, with only the most helpful of intentions, I also have a rather large pair of pliers in my toolbox. (Yes, my toolbox, not my craft-box. I really DO want to be helpful!)

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular girl, and you may have the entire football team panting after you. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my darling boy, you will continue to date no one but him until you come to an amicable agreement to separate. If you break his heart, I will most assuredly make you wish you'd never been born, dear.

    Rule Seven:
    Should you happen to stop by here, please remember there is still such a thing as manners. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my son to appear, and more than thirty seconds goes by, do not sigh and fidget, and do not snap your gum. He is hurrying as fast as he can, and he's not only driving you, he's buying your movie ticket. In fact, actually, not that I think about it, thanks so very much for stopping over - instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like vacuuming?

    Rule Eight:
    You may also be enlightened as to the use of many natural herbal substances, or crystallized and powdered substances. We're not even going to mention things that can be injected, are we? If I ever even think you have even a small glimmer of intent to educate my son regarding these substances, I will be educating Officer Krupky about your general existence, just to be helpful, and insure your general good health...

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be an graying middle-aged, not kewl hippie wannabe. But on issues relating to my son, I am the all-knowing, all-powerful and merciless god(dess) of your universe.
    If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have been known to speed up slow answerers by grabbing the back of their jeans with one hand and the back of their hair with another, and re-introducing them to the front walk... Don't lie, and speak swiftly and don't say "ummmm" ...

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid, be very afraid.... Schizophrenia may very well run in families, they're not quite sure... and I am about the same age as my dearly departed grandmother was when she snapped from stress and completely lost it... Family legend has it that she would greet my fathers unacceptable dates with carving knife in hand... try not to ummm, stress me out... ya, that's it, try very hard not to stress me out... see, I have a nice collection of Ginsu's in the kitchen, myself... Grandma would have loved them... I'm not kidding even a little tiny bit...

    http://users.rcn.com/lanat/tensimplerules.htm


    Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.

    Not a LEO

    In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
    In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.









  17. #17
    CTR man's Avatar
    CTR man is offline Officer First Class
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    Here is Terminators version (and maybe a few others) I can imagine that Term will have a few chips of the ole block someday.

    Preface
    We are a modern family. We live in the 21st century. We like self-confident people. We like people who's every day face shows a radiant smile. We pity people who think they need to follow certain patterns instead of being themselves. We like the open minded, cheerful, passionate and authentic being. Human or extra-terrestrial doesn't matter to us.

    So if you like one of my boys, make the first move!

    Rule 1
    It is totally OK if you come and pick up one of my boys. You earn bonus points if you do so in your mom's (or dad's) Ferrari. Don't drive an SUV, unless you invite him to a true off-road adventure.

    Rule 2
    They are twins. So make sure you try them both and provide an adequate friend for the other one. It doesn't harm to bring your older sister (or young mom) to entertain me.

    Rule 3
    We are a very cozy family. If you want to hug and kiss the boys in front of me, feel free to do so. However the house rules require that you hug and kiss me too.

    Rule 4
    If you want to stay over night, that is OK with us. Make sure you stick with the house rules: only very light dresses. Silk Spaghetti tops are en vogue right now. If you are not sure what to wear, you can ask me for a lingerie allowance and I'll go shopping with you.

    Rule 5
    The current belly free fashion requires, that you have something to show. So make sure that you spend sufficient time in the gym to have a well toned body.

    Rule 6
    If your only "asset" is a beautiful shape: stay away from my boys! We only accept bright girls with excellent career opportunities. You eventually will be required to finance my son's adventure-seeker and artist lifestyle. In return they would accept to become stay-home-dads (as long as you are easy on the definition of "home" which includes the Tamaraset dessert, all the beautiful beaches and various night spots).

    Rule 7
    We will test your literacy and education: Being able to recite the verses of the Kamasutra and Casanova's adventures will increase your chance for a date. If you are into Yoga, please update your skills to include the Tantric positions. We also will test your capabilities as entertainer: Are you able to invent new activities and are you up-to-date with exhibitions and performing arts? We will conduct a naked-body-paint contest with you.
    When you book cinema tickets make sure, that you get the double seats without the armrest in-between.

    Rule 8
    Make sure that you keep his attention with little presents and deep devotion. Be knowledgeable in the art of seduction and show off your skills in preparing love meals. If you are older than him, teach him the art of Tantric love. If you are substantially older, bigger presents are appropriate. A breakfast at Tiffanies (1st class flight please) or a trip to the Himalayas would be appropriate.

    Rule 9
    Before getting physical, get a check-up. I will review the doctors verdict. As long as you date my boys you stick to them. You are free to include some of your female friends, if they pass the medical exam. You will take care of contraception. So keep a stock of condoms and practice how to apply them.

    Rule 10
    My boys are sensitive and proud. When you chitchat with your friends about them (we know that you do that!) anything but praise is strictly forbidden. Show that they are like gods to you.

    They will treat you like a goddess in return!

    http://www.wissel.net/blog/d6plinks/SHWL-63V9K6


    Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.

    Not a LEO

    In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
    In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.









  18. #18
    Terminator's Avatar
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    I'm the reason dad's everywhere invented chastity belts.

  19. #19
    MacLean's Avatar
    MacLean is offline O/R Gun mod
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    Quote Originally Posted by CTR man View Post
    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their shirts with the bottom half ripped off, where any sudden movement threatens to expose yourself to any casual passerby or with necklines so low that your breasts nearly tumble out, so, please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moronic sluts. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with breasts hanging out, and looking like you are trying out for a job with Hugh Heffner, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your shirt actually does not expose any unintended flesh, I will feel free to helpfully use my hot glue gun to fasten it to your midriff and or chest. Watch the makeup while you're at it too. Should you show up with your face painted garish colors and reeking of perfume like the Whore of Babylon, I will take great pleasure in helpfully introducing you to a scrub brush and a bar of Lava soap...
    Eff that, I'm counting on them to bring scantily clad heinies home as frequently as possible.
    I'm your huckleberry...

    Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentus telum est!

    You can be the weapon, and the gun in your hand is a tool - or the gun is a weapon and you are the tool.


    I was looking for a saint who was a devil of a lover,
    but every girl I found was either one way or the other...



 

 

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