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Thread: Anti-Chuck Norris Facts
03-08-06, 11:10 PM #1
Anti-Chuck Norris Facts
Not that I have anything against Chuck, but some of these were just damn funny.
Got them from here. Can't post them all beacuse of a 10k character limit .
Chuck Norris once took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
David Carradine, using his "l33t" Shaolin skills, can kill Chuck Norris with his mind, then separate Chuck Norris from his body to kick his ghost's ass.
One time, while watching gay porn, Chuck Norris swallowed his remote control because he thought it would feel good on the way out.
Chuck Norris was disowned by his father when it was discovered Chuck Norris could do the splits before learning to walk.
Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos Ray Norris, Jr.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate over 300,000 results. This page will show up in the top 5 because Chuck Norris is easily broken down into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hey, shit happens.
As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
The only number Chuck Norris can divide by is 0, because Chuck Norris is the definition of nothing.
Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina.
When they asked Chuck Norris to be in Brokeback Mountain 2 he simply said "How many sex scenes?"
Chuck Norris once asked a group of people, "What's white, sticky, and falling from the sky?" Chuck Norris then licked his lips, rubbed his hands, and replied "The cumming of the Lord."
If Chuck Norris has fucked every woman in the world, then he has done his own mom.
A 7-year-old blind boy once found Waldo before Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris jumps in a pond, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets terrified.
Chuck Norris auditioned for the T-800 part in the Terminator, but was refuted when it was discovered that he was part man, part cyborg himself. Capitalizing on the machine he was made out of, Chuck Norris assembled official Chuck Norris dildos with self-described "12 inches of action and excitement!"
Chuck Norris is the Rump Ranger.
Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend.
Jesus willfully crucified himself because he had insider information that Chuck Norris was going to be around in the future. Jesus did this not in fear of Chuck Norris himself, but in fear of Chuck Norris' acting.
Stephen Hawking once beat Chuck Norris in a foot race.
Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.
Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that.
Chuck Norris employs a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the manly wilderness that is his back.
Chuck Norris starred in "Firewalker," a film in which he does not walk on fire.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in fairy tales. He thinks you should only find happy endings at the strip club.
Chuck Norris once tried to enter an Ugly Contest and was told, "Sorry, no professionals."
Ronald Reagan didn't have the heart to tell Chuck Norris that his acting in "Walker, Texas Ranger" was forgettable, so Ronald Reagan just told the world that he had Alzheimer's.
After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.
No matter how many fortune cookies Chuck Norris opens, they always say "Fight like a girl."
When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now.
Chuck Norris is the only person with no matches on eHarmony.com.
Chuck Norris stayed in high school for 7 years until someone finally signed his yearbook.
Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat.
Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $500 and leave with $500.
Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
Chuck Norris once painted a portrait of himself. He only used 3 colors. Nobody said anything.
Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.
Chuck Norris is credited with the invention of bottled water.
Brad Pitt adopted one of Chuck Norris' children, and Chuck Norris still won't marry him.
Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied "sure."
On January 12, 1995 Chuck Norris shaved his beard. On January 13, 1995 Chuck Norris filed a missing person claim on himself.
Chuck Norris is the only person whom the Axe Effect Deodorant Spray will not work on.
Every time Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he pops two hemorrhoids.
Chuck Norris gives better rimjobs than West Coast Customs.
Chuck Norris folds pocket aces pre-flop.
Osama Bin Laden told Chuck Norris about the 9/11 attacks on 9/10 in order to ensure that his plan would not be foiled.
Chuck Norris bet on Duke to win the National Championship. IN FOOTBALL.
Chuck Norris would go straight if he could fuck Rosie O'Donnell. Too bad she is holding out to go straight for Tom Cruise, who is holding out to go gay for Heath Ledger.
The number of people who saw Gigli is higher than Chuck Norris' white blood cell count.
Chuck Norris tried to copyright the copyright symbol. It was the first time the employees at the United States Patent and Trademark Office have ever laughed.
Chuck Norris fears the Care Bears, especially No Heart.
Although he has the power to eliminate them, Chuck Norris allows emos to exist. Jesus rolls his eyes at this gesture every time.
Chuck Norris has guest directed four episodes of Will and Grace. Before each episode, Chuck Norris requested that Grace be replaced by his friend, "Peter."
On Facebook, Chuck Norris has no pictures tagged by others.
Chuck Norris bet on Poland in both World Wars.
Chuck Norris is Jesus to mindless, trend-loving Americans. He even turns water into wine coolers.
During the initial filming of Dodgeball, Chuck Norris gave a thumbs down to continuing the match because he's a big fan of the Purple Cobra.
Chuck Norris was in the Hitler Youth.
Chuck Norris has 11 scrapbooks full of "Love Is" cartoons.
There are now over 100 official sex "maneuvers" popular in the gay community known simply as "The Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once completed a roundhouse kick so powerfully that all the hair from the top of his head ended up on his face. This is also the origin of his cowboy hat, a mark of shame.
A shepherd once accidentally spilled his coffee on Chuck Norris' lap and refused to apologize. Chuck Norris went to the man's field and fucked every one of his sheep. Chuck Norris wasn't trying to get back at him, he just loves to fuck sheep.
Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats.
If you yell "Chuck Norris" into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back "is a pussy."
Chuck Norris lives on an island surrounded by a sea of his own tears.
If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.
Chuck Norris tattooed "No day butt today" on his ass, partly because of the pun, but mainly because he loves "Rent."
Chuck Norris was kicked out of the CIA because he was unable to come up with a better codename than "Nuck Chorris." To add injury to insult, it was a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris, on the set of Sidekicks, asked Jonathan Brandis to tone down his acting skills so that Chuck Norris wouldn't look so bad. Chuck Norris used the third person in an attempt to trick Jonathan Brandis into thinking the request was not at the behest of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once seen following a girl out of a bedroom at a party saying, "Listen, I'm sorry, that doesn't usually happen..."
Chuck Norris has a signed poster of Vin Diesel directly above his bed. Sadly, Chuck Norris does not realize that the signature is a mass-produced mechanical replica.
Chuck Norris always pours his beer into a glass before drinking it. He giggles like a schoolboy when the glass produces head, then slurps it down like a fag.
Chuck Norris is the driving force behind Chuck Norris facts. He has even been caught in public speaking in the third person.
Chuck Norris' iPod has "Princess" written in Swarofsky crystals on it.
Chuck Norris lost custody of his children in an arm wrestling match with Bea Arthur.
Uncle Jesse's mullet once won a knife fight against Chuck Norris. Uncle Jesse's mullet didn't have a knife.
Chuck Norris can't have a dog because dogs are allergic to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris 2006: Spin-kicks for Breast Cancer Research.
Chuck Norris' DNA is made up of four leaf clovers, unicorns, and smiles.
Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when "The View" is on.
03-08-06, 11:35 PM #2
Some of those looked like they could have gone on the pro-Chuck Norris one. But, kind of funny. Some of them. More generic than anything else. I give it a 2 out of 5."A nation, as a society, forms a moral person, and every member of it is personally responsible for his society."
-Thomas Jefferson, 1792
Cotton candy don't get wet until it's in your mouth.
03-09-06, 01:56 AM #3
I give it 1 *
03-09-06, 04:53 AM #4Cheech Guest
NVHPD wants to look like chuck norris.
03-09-06, 10:14 AM #5
It turns out whoever came up with the anti-Chuck Norris site has mysteriously disappeared. Rumor has it that Chuck Norris called the guy on the phone and subliminally round house kicked him until his body was broken down to the molecular level.
03-09-06, 05:33 PM #6
My shadow and I both fear Chuck Norris
03-09-06, 10:15 PM #7
You'll never hear the roundhouse kick coming. I fear for you.
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