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Thread: Field trip to "the Mall"
03-18-09, 03:12 AM #1
Field trip to "the Mall"
Lets face it. As billy bad ass as we think we are sometimes as cops not all of us are cut out to be the big wig alpha male all the time. Some of us buckle to certain pressure. Like the pressure some of us are married to. Our wives love us and we know this. However, there are sometimes we feel as if we should call this into question. Times like when our wifes walk around the bedroom and make the statement “I need some bras.” Now it's a matter of fact statement and to the untrained ear would have been tossed out in a casual manner. But when it is followed up shortly thereafter with “Would you like to go to the mall today?”, we trained and dutiful husbands begin to tremble. We all know what this means and it ain't Wal Mart. Victoria Secrets. And ladies I'm here to tell you there are only two reasons we men even consider accompanying you to Victoria's house of Ill Will. Steak or sex. Or both. If we think we will get a steak dinner as a reward or a night of uninhibited sexual encounters we'll suffer through it. Especially if the cook knows how I like my steak. I will give away the ending to this story and say I was a very fortunate man when it was over.
So, over hill over dale to Victoria's house we go. We arrive at the Mall and begin to walk around. My wife has me by the arm. She has used her unnatural woman superpowers and read the mall map as we pass. She skillfully guides me through the kiosks and as we round a corner...there it is. The bane of male existence. The Victoria's secret store. *sigh*After my wife insisted I assist her in looking for a bra by digging in every box at the sale rack she beckons me to accompany her so that I may hold her purse. After all, thats why she brought me. It should be noted that men do not look around while in Victoria's for fear of being caught and labeled a pervert. That's right a pervert. It is well known and somewhere documented that when a man looks at a bra or panty in that store all the surrounding women are carefully examining our 19 page criminal history of perversion which began to be documented 5 minutes after our first breath. It should also be illegal for you women to leave us unattended in Victoria's and that there should be “Hey stupid” signs on the damn floor. Why? Because we do not look around. We keep our eyes on the floor in self defense. Where the damn signs should be. A “Hey stupid, look up” sign would have saved me from walking completely into the woman's dressing room where my wife assumes that look on her face, calmly asks me what was I doing and the sales lady states “Sir, you can't be in here.” To which I reply “Put a sign on the floor where I can see it.” and walk back out. Purse in hand.
Now after that I did begin to look around so that I would know where the hell I was going. Sure as shit the other women begin to take up tactical positions, ready to do me physical harm and turn me over to the local authorities bound beaten and gagged. In self defense I take up a position near the wall not knowing it was next to a mirror with a set of tits and ass dummy wearing a sexy black nighty. By the way there are a lot of mirrors in that place. I didn't know that because they are not on the floor. I've now seen my ass from every possible angle known to man kind. It's a nice tight ass but I digress.
It takes all of 5 minutes and 9 seconds for the boredom to arrive. That's a record by the way and it was time for some counter tactics. That's right ladies! It was time to promote the reason ya'll remember why it's a bad idea to take us there in the first place. Now the other female shoppers in there won't come near you. As a matter of fact they will tactically maneuver out of your way as you approach. The sales ladies on the other hand have no choice. If you catch one talking to a female customer they can't move so you can listen in on their conversation. When the sales lady and I leaned in to hear her whisper to the customer that she could try on panties over her pants, I asked “Do you have something in a medium pink?”. The sales lady practically jumped out of her skin not realizing I was standing there, then looked at me as if I had a horrible skin disease and I'm sure the customer called 911. “Um sir, I 'm sorry but you can't try on anything.” I was going to pursue that issue but she did have a box cutter in her hand.
Plan B. The cell phone camera. I began to wander around the store and take random photos of the store dummies in all their glory. This lasted until one of the associates was given a surveillance assignment, my wife returned and the sales lady quickly brought her to my location so that they could both keep an eye on me.
As they conversated I tried to key in on one thing I thought I heard the associate say. As they spoke I looked right into the face of the sales lady as I swore I heard her say “And this is our 3 string dong.” Amazed at what I had just heard I simply could not believe this lady was about to pull out a dildo with 3 rip cords. There was no way I heard what I heard. I was calmed by seeing her pick up, not a 3 string dong but a G string Thong. Say that 3 times fast. Oh well, we weren't in Fredrick's of Hollywood. I was going to tell the associate what I thought she said after informing my wife of it but she didn't want me too. The pinch mark on my side shouldn't take long to heal. She almost broke the skin.
My wife, convinced now that I was becoming ever more certain to make an ass out of myself gave me the look I had been waiting for. She had found what she was searching for and was now looking to lose the associate and check out. That's what I'm screaming. The associate was thanked and we were off to the register.
All in all it wasn't a bad trip. I learned a few new things. I'll hold my head up from now on so I won't walk where I shouldn't be. I now know I can blame my hearing on a wide variety of new conversation starters with the associates while my wife is in the dressing room. Those dummies have a tight firm ass too. By the way the associates seem to think that it's illegal to touch those dummies the way I did. The two security guards only followed for a short distance after we left.
I'm convinced that 2 males finding themselves in Victoria's will navigate purposely until they are in speaking distance. Now these two people may not know each other but they will talk as if they have been friends for years. “Hey Bob.” “Hey Joe, long time no see.” “Yep, hows the family?” “Fine and you?” Now here it needs to be noted that Bob ain't' Bob and Joe ain't Joe. These two fellas don't know each others name and have never met. “Been fishing lately?” “Yes indeed.” “Caught one of those.....well..fish.” “I hear ya.” “Betcha used one of those....worm and hook things hunh?” “Damn right.” “It was a helluva fight too.” “Almost broke my strong string stuff.” This conversation will continue without either man knowing what the hell they are talking about until the conversation has run out and turns to something uncomfortable. Men will not speak of any uncomfortable topic in Victoria's Secret. They will torment the associates or take perverted pictures. Just ask me I'll tell you.
I have come to one conclusion however. Honey if you want to take me to “the mall” with you without incident the solution is quite simple. Convince Victoria's to diversify their real estate. No really. If they would just put a small firearms kiosk off in one corner and make it to where I could put a Remington 870 on your Victoria's Secret credit card I'd clear the calendar, behave myself, and buy you the steak.
But that's just me.
Sorry for the blurry picture. This is when I was tackled by some woman wearing a shirt that said "Brown is the new Pink"Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me
We are who we choose to be.
R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012
03-18-09, 04:24 AM #2
Haha, I have yet to venture in there myself. I'm afraid my boredom would get me arrested in 5 minutes.'Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!'
“A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity.” Sigmund Freud
03-18-09, 07:13 AM #3
That was fantastic. I too, hate going in there.No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13
"The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".
We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.
03-18-09, 07:22 AM #4
Great story Lew, I think I'll take my husband there this weekend. He blushes so well and I do my best to make him blush!!
My dad, I miss him every day.
Originally Posted by Wolven
Life is too short to wear unsexy underwear.
I am a female!!!!! LMAO
Be who you are and say what you feel.....
Because those that matter...don't mind...
And those that mind...don't matter
03-18-09, 08:16 AM #5
that was GREAT!
Who knew men dont like to go in there....huh...learn something new everyday. I guess you guys like the end product..not the road it took to get there?Never be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well-being of a person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way" ~Martin Luther King, Jr
03-18-09, 08:30 AM #6
03-18-09, 10:47 AM #7
Who was the midget with the cell phone? Were there a bunch of horse jockeys in there at the same time?Pleasing nobody, one person at a time.
That which does not kill me, better start fucking running.
If I lived every day like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.
I intend to go in harm's way. -John Paul Jones
Hunt the wolf, and bring light to the dark places that others fear to go. LT COL Dave Grossman
03-18-09, 10:53 AM #8
Lew, that was GREAT!!!
03-18-09, 11:07 AM #9
LMAO!! I'm in tears. Reps enroute"Like" us on facebook! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Offic...93147194083228
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03-18-09, 12:12 PM #10
lol.. that was great, I can't believe you were taking pictures.
03-18-09, 04:24 PM #11
OMG Lew, I laughed so hard I almost had an asthma attack - and I don't have asthma!\\` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
`` ` ` ` (3--(____)
"...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
03-18-09, 05:14 PM #12Chief Wheaties PisserVerified LEO
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You wife actually took you there?
Your wife actually buys things there?
And here I thought Victoria's only sold old sweats and ratty tee shirts . . .
03-19-09, 03:37 AM #13
Be careful Lew, she may be taking you to Frederick's of Hollywood next.
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about too much of this. There aren't many places that cater to the plus size woman. Kitty is about a size 14 dress and these places don't keep those sizes in stock, usually. At least around here. Otherwise she would be asking my opinion of what I would like on her.
Choose The Right. When you're doing whats right, then you have nothing to worry about.
Not a LEO
In memory of Sgt. Howard K. Stevenson 1965 - 2005. Ceres Police Dept.
In memory of Robert N. Panos 1955 - 2008 Ceres Police Dept.
03-19-09, 10:31 AM #14
I'm surprised you didn't pick yourself up some little something something for the next Officer Resource fund raiser.........SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM-Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"
"It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
-General Omar Bradley, United States Army
03-20-09, 06:14 AM #15
Ah, who says I didn't?Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me
We are who we choose to be.
R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012
03-20-09, 09:35 AM #16Swamp Mafia
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and like it, never really care for anything else.
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