I'm an Idiot: stories from SPD, part 4 - "The Doors . . . Break on Through to the Other Side"

[SPD]

Again, I was pretty new to this job. I went to a call of a teen attempting suicide. He was supposed to have a butcher knife. Me and my cover arrive at one of the town trailer parks (there it seems 5/6ths of all stupidity occurs - trailers don't just attract tornados . . .), and mom is just frantic. Her poor sweet 14 year old baby son was suicidal, had gotten a butcher knife, and stabbed himself in the gut.

Because you know - if you want to kill yourself a butcher knife to the gut is a quick, easy, painless, clean way to do it. But mom - whose tattoo to tooth ratio is way off - saw him poke the thing in his gut. Then little Bobby (the name has been changed protect the innocent . . . . . but mainly because I can't remember) then locked himself in the bathroom. She's just convinved he's dead, and we gotta go in to get him. He isn't answering.

Yeah - trailer doors are cheeseball, usually made out of thinly-shaved balsa wood or similar material. But this is offset by the fact that the hall is about a foot wide. Try to turn sideways and kick a door when it's so close you can stand against the far wall and lick the door. But I preservere. I figure out an angle, and kick the crap out of the door right next to the knob. The whole wall flexes with the door, and nada. My cover looks at me like "well?"

I kick again, and this time, I make a perfectly foot-shaped hole in the door. And even better, I panic and can't get my foot lined up right and get it back out. So there I am. Standing on one leg, with the other stuck through a door and I can't get it out.

It's at this moment my brain starts to present me with some interesting imagery. Thanks, brain. I honestly have flashes of that little doll Chucky holding a knife in there carving my foot up. I can see Chucky - and hell maybe even helped by Bride of Chucky - carving my shit up real good, and I start yanking my foot back for all I'm worth. Luckily, I'm standing on one leg, giving me great balance. I just about jump through the back wall of the trailer trying to get dislodged, likely making wounded rabbit noises while doing so. I finally get free through a combination of carefully calmly rotating my foot . . . . . yeah, right. I yanked my foot frantically while sobbing like a small girl, spilling spectacularly onto the floor. My cover is already laughing.

Well now I'm mad because mom and my cover saw me crying and by God that door will pay. I wind up, and kick the hinge side of the door. The whole thing come off the frame and sails through the air and clocks the dumb-ass kid right in the noggin. He fell down under the door, which I jump on until kid shows me his hands. We then lift the door, cuff him, and off to the hospital for just the littlest, tiniest scratch on his stomach you ever saw along with a giant goose-egg right in the middle of his forehead. My guess is he was mesmerized by the lone foot which from his perspective chewed through the door, then flopped around frantically while some guy on the other side made scared rabbit noises. This distraction technique (which was intentional, of course) froze him up so I could hit him with the door.

During the report, I left out my lack of door-kicking prowess. I also paid a healthy sum for my partner to not mention it in his report. Of course, the whole shift learned about it anyway within the next few days.

[Jenna]

That's one way to get your foot in the door!

[nsb22]

lol!!!

[GASheepdog]

LOL! A classic! Glad I didn't drink my soda while reading.

[Five-0]

It takes a big man to admit such stories........better you than me.

[pgg]

Haha, You must become one with the trailer young grasshopper

[CTR man]

Must have been a really old trailer and a single wide at that. I have seen a few in the park where I live. Both of the Mobile Homes that I have lived in have 3 ft wide halls. Or was this an RV.

I sure hope you didn't get any splinters from the wood. Some trailers use inferior balsa type wood. All it would have taken is one good shove with your shoulder and that door would be history. That would be a good story to tell. Almost as good as the dog bite one you told.

Please tell me you were up on your tetanus shots at the time. Wood and nails don't mix.

[Buttercup]