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  1. #1
    Virginian's Avatar
    Virginian is offline Major
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    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
    Taser" for their Anniversary.


    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
    sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
    looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.

    What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
    effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
    adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
    retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
    I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
    button.
    Nothing! I was disappointed.
    I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
    against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
    burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
    it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,...
    Right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
    (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
    that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
    target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
    of a
    second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
    was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in another.
    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
    your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
    and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water.
    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
    batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best.....

    I'm sitting there alone,
    Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't
    do it master,"
    Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
    couldn't hurt all that bad....
    I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, And HOLY
    MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!@!@$$!%!@*!!!
    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again.
    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
    tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
    oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
    The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
    before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
    again, do it again!"
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself.
    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
    by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
    A three second burst would be considered conservative.
    SON-OF-A-....
    That hurt like hell!!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape.
    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    How did they up get there???
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I'm still looking for my testicles?
    I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
    Still in shock,
    Tommy

  2. #2
    FishTail Guest
    I'm waiting for him to sue the manufacturer...

  3. #3
    Andrewtx's Avatar
    Andrewtx is offline A little bit of soul
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    I would've tested it on the cat first.

  4. #4
    cajunguy's Avatar
    cajunguy is offline I LOVE my ParaOrd .45ACP!
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    Now that was double-twice-too-damned funny.

    .
    The Swamp Mafia -
    "Heaven doesn't want us,
    and Hell's afraid we'll take over!!"
    .

  5. #5
    Cris1102 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Virginian
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I'm still looking for my testicles?

 

 

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