Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

[Virginian]

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
Taser" for their Anniversary.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,...
Right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....

I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't
do it master,"
Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad....
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, And HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-....
That hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy

[FishTail]

I'm waiting for him to sue the manufacturer...

[Andrewtx]

I would've tested it on the cat first.

[cajunguy]

Now that was double-twice-too-damned funny.

.

[Cris1102]

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles?