I'm an Idiot: stories from SPD part pi r squared "Captain Crunch"

**SPD** · 02-10-10, 11:10 PM

Well, I'm an idiot. This is no surprise to anyone who knows me - especially me. But I just wish sometimes stupid didn't hurt.

About 2 weeks ago, I was sent to an "urban outdoorsman" sleeping behind a church. At first, I drove right by him and didn't see him. I double back, and he's up on a concrete platform in between two large AC units and associated ducts. Two other cops check out with me to help. Well, the guy is crazy - as is normal for many of this sort.

I make the initial contact, and he immediatly twists off. He's screaming, ranting, flailing his arms all about. You know - just saying hello. The female officers who's there tries to talk him down. He won't come off the platform. I really just want to send him on his way, but no . . . . . it can't just be simple.

He won't give me his ID so I can check warrants. He won't get down. He won't tell me his name. He won't stop screaming all his crazy. We try for awhile, and nothing. We come down to that we're gonna have to go get him off there. Guess who gets the duty?

I reach for him, and he starts punching at me wildly, then turns around and runs for it. But he's blocked in on 3 sides by the AC units and building. Only way out is through me or over an AC unit into the waiting arms of another officer. But now he's tried to hit me. I tell him to get down, and he turns and wants to fight. I get up on the platform, and OC him. Nada. May as well have been water.

Only room up there for me and him, so I grab some crazy guy clothes and do the crazy-guy toss off the platform (really no room to struggle with and cuff him in that narrow space). I toss him down onto the ground, and the other two are positioned to keep him from running. BG lands poorly (apparently not a gymanst), and is proned.

Here I see an opportunity to jump down off the platform onto him and get him bagged up. I don't want to crash down on the little fella and crush him, so I jump off intending to straddle him, then mount him and cuff him.

Bad move. I jump off (it's maybe 2 feet down) with my legs spread apart. While in the air, he quickly flips onto his back, and I see it coming. His left foot comes straight up. I know I'm getting ready to have my balls fight it out with his foot. And he's wearing boots - my balls are not. It is in these brief moments that you take stock of your life. My thoughts flashed to my children - and how I probably wouldn't be able to make anymore of them after this.

Well, sure enough, I land giblets-first right on his foot. I'm pretty sure one of my boys hits me in the back of the throat. I still land on him, but more of in a heap than the controlled ninja-mounting technique I was hoping for. I think I made the sort of noise you'd expect from a cat if you were stepping on it hard. He flails about some more, but now the other two there pig-pile him. They have it obviously, so I roll out and go over a few feet and cry (not really). After the cuffing and breif period of explanation of why that was rude, the other two ask me if I'm OK. They thought I hurt my knee jumping down. I said in a slightly elevated voice that it wasn't my knee. They figure out from my posture what the problem was - and now it's spectacularly funny. To them.

I'm able to stand, but not upright. My friend bonks my right on top of the head. He said he was trying to knock them back down. Our crazy friend gets put in the back of my car - it's the closest. I wobble over and haul him in, with the female following me because BG's still worked up into a tizzy.

I get to the jail and still have a little problem standing all the way up. The female (while we're putting up our pistols before going into the jail) looks at me and says with a huge grin, "Quit being a pussy." I always liked her.

Well our crazy guy calms down and goes into the cell without much further ado. I write a throw-down report for the entertainment of the supervisor and me. On the suspect block under employment, I put "Walnut Cracker", on aliases "Captain Crunch". On the injury block I put that photos were attached. It was rejected oddly enough.

I know stupid hurts. But sometimes I wish it would hurt someone else.

**Sapper_132** · 02-10-10, 11:21 PM

Oh you hit your knee, your wee knee, LOL Damn I'll remember that next time I toss a guy and have to jump down. We've all been here bro it's part of the game.