I'm an Idiot - the gun safe episode

[SPD]

I had a small gun cabinet that I outgrew years ago. I had guns behind closet doors, under the bed, and quite a few at work just to store them. I found myself in the odd position of A) having some extra money and B) my wife not spending it all. I kept thinking it was a trap, test, or she was feeling really guilty about something. I didn't want to ask what. Ignorance is bliss.

So, I went safe shopping at a local store that sells them. I figured I'd keep the old cabinet for the .22s and cheaper guns. I decided to get a 24-gun fireproof safe. It weighed about 600 lbs. Pffft. I can lift 600 lbs. I didn't need help. I could get that in my house by myself. Even though I didn't have a dolly.

I scoffed as 4 guys loaded the thing into my vehicle for me. Big boys, but obviously pansies. They were even using a lift. Wusses.

My son (10 at the time) and I drive home, and I back up in the yard to the front porch. I get an old blanket to slide it into the house on the hardwood floors. Thing is - I was already getting tired. Oh, well - suck it up you pansie. I scoot it over to the bottom of the stair well. Holy shit - I'm out of shape. I was already tired.

Oh - didn't I mention I was going to be taking it upstairs? Yeah - part of the plan the whole time. I figured I'd just push it up one stair at a time. It's only 600 lbs!!! I'm a big strong guy. This should be no problem.

I stand it upright. Man - a little twinge in my back. Well - here goes. Two stairs up to the landing, a 90 degree turn, then like 12 more stairs. Easy cheesy and sleazy. I grunt in a manly manner to get the testosterone flowing. I think about manly things. I grunt again.

Holy shit. Those 2 stairs almost killed me. I was worn the fuck out after getting it onto the landing. I'm starting to think I might have bitten off more than I can chew. But I'm a man. I grunt again to remind myself how manly I am. But I wasn't as convinced this time. I'll suffer instead of calling for help and admitting defeat. I make the turn, and lay the safe on it's back. All I have to do is push it up one stair at a time, rest and get the next one.

I got this ever-growing safe up one stair, and I was done. I couldn't move the damned thing one more inch. My arms and legs were jello. This pushing it up the stairs thing wasn't going to work. Clearly a black hole was forming under my stairs and causing an increase in gravatational pull. I'd call NASA to check it out when I was done. Maybe SG-1.

Somewhat in defeat, I went to the neighbors house, and borrowed a dolly. And rested. And cussed. I couldn't get the dolly in with the safe on the landing, so I had to bring it back down. I got the dolly underneath the safe, which now weighed about 15,000 lbs. I put two tie straps that I use to haul my quads around. I snapped one before I made the turn. Shit. Stupid black hole.

Well - here we go. Up one stair at a time. I pulled, and my son pushed. I got almost half way, and I couldn't move it anymore. I was done. I had my son move, and I balanced the safe on a stair. If I kept it at a certain point, it was easy to hold in place. But I couldn't get it up the stairs, and I was afraid if I started to take it back down, it might run away from me and I'd have a new front door to my house at the stair landing. I was trapped. I couldn't go up or down, and I had to hold the safe on the balance point. Fuck me.

Luckily, I had my cell in my pocket. I had to call someone. But I wasn't going to call any of my friends so they could come take pictures and give me shit for the rest of my life. I needed to keep this quiet. Moreso because fof the black hole - I didn't want to start a national panick or anything. I wondered if they ever got the collider running in Europe - this was likely the cause of the black hole. Damn - world coming to an end just as I got my new safe.

I called my wife, who was at a friend's house (she says a girlfriend - but maybe not - maybe that's what she was feeling guilty about ). Anyway - I gingerly break to her that I was stuck, worn out, and needed help desperately. I think I might have let a sob loose at some point. She called me an idiot, but was home within 30 mins. I had to pee - but couldn't leave the safe to crash down the stairs. FML.

So - with the wife home, we were able to get the safe up the stairs. It took us about another hour going one step at a time. Overall, it took me 3 hours to get the thing up the stairs. Plus, I couldn't move for about 2 days afterward. I told my wife that we're never moving again, and that if we needed to get the safe down, we'd burn the house down around it (the safe is fireproof, afterall). I also said that if a burglar wants the thing, he can have it. Because he's tougher than me.

I bolted it down, so that it would make it slightly harder for whatever psycho who wanted to go through the trouble of trying to get this thing out of the house to do so. I put guns and ammo in it, a few documents. Then I sat in the corner and cried. The next day when I woke up, I cried some more. My everything hurt. I pulled muscles in places that I didn't realize I had places - much less muscles.

But hey - I saved maybe $50 moving it myself. Totally worth it.

[Jenna]

Ouch! Your life is like a sitcom!

Well at least you know the same thing would happen to a burglar who try to steal it.

I wonder, does this kind of stuff happen to a lot of people, but they just don't post about it, or does it only happen to you?

[SPD]

I wonder, does this kind of stuff happen to a lot of people, but they just don't post about it, or does it only happen to you?

I'm like everyone else - I'm just more honest about it. Stupid stuff is funny - even when I do it. After the pain wears off.

[Jenna]

I'm like everyone else - I'm just more honest about it. Stupid stuff is funny - even when I do it. After the pain wears off.

Laughter is the best medicine!

[cwtlady]

Too bad your wife didn't take photos or video, I'd pay money to see that!

[Five-0]

I'm thinking about moving my safe to another spot. You should come over and do it for me. By the way, your 600lb pansy safe could fit inside mine because it is a 1565lb man safe.

[SPD]

Yeah, dude - reading about your safe gave me a complex. Plus I think I peed a little when I thought about moving it.

[Buttercup]

Oh, if only there were pictures or video!!

[Five-0]

Yeah, dude - reading about your safe gave me a complex. Plus I think I peed a little when I thought about moving it.

Pallet jack for the win. Now stairs are another story. The company that delivered mine said it would be $25 per step or in other words over $600. The right tools make all the difference.

[pgg]

I recently got another safe and moved it in. While doing so an O/R member called me an idiot for not getting help. It was a bitch to set up and I walked funny for two days but by golly I did it myself

[MacLean]

I'd think of a way to cut a hole in the roof and have a crane drop it in.

[pgg]

I'd think of a way to cut a hole in the roof and have a crane drop it in.

That would be a manly way to do it since it involves power toold

[MacLean]

That would be a manly way to do it since it involves power toold

Oooooh, another use for my Stihl!

[ChesCopPodz]

Instead of upstairs, I'd have put it i the basement, easy to push down the stairs.

[SPD]

Almost nobody in OK has a basement. I know nobody personally in this town that has one. No dice.

[Ducky]

I am so temped to print out all your stories and submit them to a publishing company. Holy hell I almost wet myself laughing!!!!!

[ChesCopPodz]

Almost nobody in OK has a basement. I know nobody personally in this town that has one. No dice.

I should have taken your location into account. I live on similar terrain so I should have known.

[TXCharlie]

with the wife home, we were able to get the safe up the stairs.

Holy shit, how strong is your wife, anyway?

[Car 4]

You knuckleheads! I had my safe delivered by a guy who had a battery powered dolly with tank like tracks and stairclimbing capability. Slickest thing I ever saw. I never touched it and he didn't hardly break a sweat.

Elite lock and safe in Monroe, Washington if any of you guys wants to know were to hire the guy.


Car 4

[HudsonHawk]

I read this to my wife. She laughed at me and told me I better pay some people to help when my safe arrives.