Who's the idiot now? - the raccoon story

[SPD]

This just happened yesterday, so I haven't had time to work on it in my head.

I live in a small city in central OK - maybe 50,000 in town but there are no adjacent cities so our "service population" with all of the people who live just out of the city limits is a bit over 110,000. But since it is semi-rural (it Oklahoma), there are lots of critters out and about. The raccoons this year are thicker than I've ever seen. They're everywhere tearing up stuff, and we get lots of complaints. They have become about the same level socially as rats.

I'm driving around one of the local lakes that has a 5k track around it. I'm being a good cop, and monitoring all of the young college girls jogging around it to make sure they don't get harassed. I'm a giver, and dedicated to my job, of course.

I get a call at a factory of a raccoon under someone's car. First thought that pops into my head "If you drive off there won't be a raccoon under your car anymore dumbass." But then I get my officer friendly face on. The factory is basically across the street from the lake but on the other side. I drive around, and get to the lot. There are maybe 15 people standing around the back of this car. Great - a bunny hugger crowd.

A female approaches, and tells me this raccoon is sick and she's afraid it might be rabid. But she doesn't want to drive away because she doesn't want to hit the raccoon and hurt it. That's right. She thinks it has rabies, but doesn't want the thing to get hurt. Sigh.

Well, the coon is basically just under the back bumper, and has that wobbly, stiff-legged look that sick coons get. It's either got rabies or distemper if it's acting like that and letting us walk right up to us. Long story short - it's already dead. But they want me to try to catch it or convince it to leave. No sense arguing with a crowd of sensitive people - I'll just end up in trouble, no doubt. I try to shoo the coon away. No dice. It just crawls further under the car. I ask the Lt if we could call out animal control - he says just handle it (he know's the critter is dead too).

I explain that the only way the coon is going to not be under the car is if they move it. The lady is afraid to get in, because she thinks she'll be attacked. Luckily, her husband had just arrived. He gets in, and I tell him just to start the car and drive off quickly. He apparently is thinking about soup and isn't listening to me.

He starts the car, and sits there. I tell him to go, but he has his window up. He starts barely creeping forward, and the raccoon just follows along under the car. Nice. Well - the car is going in a straight line - the raccoon is failing his walk and turn bad. He is listing to the right . . . . right into the path of the right wheel. I try to yell at the guy to stop, but he doesn't hear. He runs over the back end of the critter.

He must have heard or felt something, because just as he's running it over, he stops. Right on top of the raccoon. Idiot.

Well, this upsets both the crowd and the coon. Oh - and now across the street, all the cute college girl joggers are stopping to watch the show.

The raccoon's hind end is under the tire, and it is making an awful noise. Apparently, it doesn't like Hondas.

I yelled and flailed my arms until he moved. The Ricky Raccon still isn't dead, but now he's sick and has beeen run over. I'm done playing nice cop, and tell everyone to just leave.

"Why? What are you going to do?"

"I have to kill it. It's suffering. Everyone leave, now."

The usual murmers of calling a vet, etc. I tell everyone to leave unless they want to watch me shoot the poor thing. They all get in their cars and leave. I put on my big gloves and prod it with my baton over to some grass so I have a backstop and don't have to worry about the ricochet off the concrete lot. As I'm about to shoot it, another officer pulls up. I shoot old poor Ricky Raccoon to put him down.

And as a last act of defiance, Ricky rolls down the embankment into a creek full of the nastiest black, sludge-fulled water I've ever seen. Son of a bitch. He thrashes a few seconds to make sure he gets totally soaked, and finally stops. The other officer is laughing his ass off.

All I have in the back of my car is paper bags. I put him into one (Ricky - not the other cop), and carry him across the lot to my car. He soaks through the bag and flops onto the concrete with a thud. By now, the other officer who had pulled up is beside himself. I thought he was going to fall over he was laughing so hard. He helped me put him into a few more bags, and then drove off as fast as he could to tell everyone about the dead raccoon that was getting it's revenge at every turn. I haul Ricky to animal control and drop him off.

Even when someone else is an idiot, I end up being the idiot. Now all I have to do is wait for the complaint of being cruel to the raccoon.

FML.

[pgg]

should have just pulled a shotgun out, racked it, and hollored out "hey y'all, where da coon at"

[IMGreat101]

Now the factory will have to provide counseling for the psych trauma those poor coon huggers suffered.

[DeputyDuc]

Fantastic! Great, well-related story

[GirlInBrown]

I'm driving around one of the local lakes that has a 5k track around it. I'm being a good cop, and monitoring all of the young college girls jogging around it to make sure they don't get harassed. I'm a giver, and dedicated to my job, of course.

You forgot the part where your partner that just laughed at you....took up your post at the lake.....

[cajunguy]

What???

No road kill raccoon stew???

Man, in Looziana, that critter would've been in a pot within a half-hour. (And probably in Arkansaw, Mississsississippippi, and maybe Alabamabamabama, too.)

Now if you ever get a big ol' possum - - -



.

[SPD]

Now if you ever get a big ol' possum - - -



.

We use possums for practical jokes. They're easy to catch, and wonderful to throw in the back of officers' patrol cars.

[Twan007]

damn hippies - I'm with cajunguy - send their asses down here for a little while - we'll teach them right

[Jenna]

And as a last act of defiance, Ricky rolls down the embankment into a creek full of the nastiest black, sludge-fulled water I've ever seen. Son of a bitch. He thrashes a few seconds to make sure he gets totally soaked, and finally stops. The other officer is laughing his ass off.

What a poetic final act of vengeance!

[Captain America]

You seriously need to take a bath in Holy Water , SPD.
On second thought that might be a bad idea because you would probably end up drowning yourself.

[jmur5074]

Fantastic story


You should have told everyone that if they want the raccoon taken to the vet, they should pony up their credit card and you'll rush it over.

I've done that a few times....no one has ever taken me up on it.

[keith720]

Those racoons are tough little creatures! That is one funny story.

[lewisipso]

The raccoon's hind end is under the tire, and it is making an awful noise. Apparently, it doesn't like Hondas.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

[Ducky]

Dude, I've got to confess that I do want to read a few of your reports.

[tapout]

i laughed so hard at this story...great delivery, absolutely hilarious. reps sent

[SPD]

Dude, I've got to confess that I do want to read a few of your reports.

My reports are really dry - just notes for court. But this is what I want them to look like. For some reason, the supervisors frown on this sort of thing. Weird.

[Ducky]

My reports are really dry - just notes for court. But this is what I want them to look like. For some reason, the supervisors frown on this sort of thing. Weird.

Spoilsports don't know what they're missing. Ah well, their loss is our gain. Very glad you're here and sharing with us. Makes me giggle like a little kid.

[MacLean]

My reports are really dry - just notes for court. But this is what I want them to look like. For some reason, the supervisors frown on this sort of thing. Weird.

I completely agree. My little word game came to a crashing halt when one of my supervisors took issue with the definition of the word I used that day.

I had a habit of putting one unusual word in every report. Damn that was fun!