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  1. #1
    SPD's Avatar
    SPD
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    Who's the idiot now? - the raccoon story

    This just happened yesterday, so I haven't had time to work on it in my head.

    I live in a small city in central OK - maybe 50,000 in town but there are no adjacent cities so our "service population" with all of the people who live just out of the city limits is a bit over 110,000. But since it is semi-rural (it Oklahoma), there are lots of critters out and about. The raccoons this year are thicker than I've ever seen. They're everywhere tearing up stuff, and we get lots of complaints. They have become about the same level socially as rats.

    I'm driving around one of the local lakes that has a 5k track around it. I'm being a good cop, and monitoring all of the young college girls jogging around it to make sure they don't get harassed. I'm a giver, and dedicated to my job, of course.

    I get a call at a factory of a raccoon under someone's car. First thought that pops into my head "If you drive off there won't be a raccoon under your car anymore dumbass." But then I get my officer friendly face on. The factory is basically across the street from the lake but on the other side. I drive around, and get to the lot. There are maybe 15 people standing around the back of this car. Great - a bunny hugger crowd.

    A female approaches, and tells me this raccoon is sick and she's afraid it might be rabid. But she doesn't want to drive away because she doesn't want to hit the raccoon and hurt it. That's right. She thinks it has rabies, but doesn't want the thing to get hurt. Sigh.

    Well, the coon is basically just under the back bumper, and has that wobbly, stiff-legged look that sick coons get. It's either got rabies or distemper if it's acting like that and letting us walk right up to us. Long story short - it's already dead. But they want me to try to catch it or convince it to leave. No sense arguing with a crowd of sensitive people - I'll just end up in trouble, no doubt. I try to shoo the coon away. No dice. It just crawls further under the car. I ask the Lt if we could call out animal control - he says just handle it (he know's the critter is dead too).

    I explain that the only way the coon is going to not be under the car is if they move it. The lady is afraid to get in, because she thinks she'll be attacked. Luckily, her husband had just arrived. He gets in, and I tell him just to start the car and drive off quickly. He apparently is thinking about soup and isn't listening to me.

    He starts the car, and sits there. I tell him to go, but he has his window up. He starts barely creeping forward, and the raccoon just follows along under the car. Nice. Well - the car is going in a straight line - the raccoon is failing his walk and turn bad. He is listing to the right . . . . right into the path of the right wheel. I try to yell at the guy to stop, but he doesn't hear. He runs over the back end of the critter.

    He must have heard or felt something, because just as he's running it over, he stops. Right on top of the raccoon. Idiot.

    Well, this upsets both the crowd and the coon. Oh - and now across the street, all the cute college girl joggers are stopping to watch the show.

    The raccoon's hind end is under the tire, and it is making an awful noise. Apparently, it doesn't like Hondas.

    I yelled and flailed my arms until he moved. The Ricky Raccon still isn't dead, but now he's sick and has beeen run over. I'm done playing nice cop, and tell everyone to just leave.

    "Why? What are you going to do?"

    "I have to kill it. It's suffering. Everyone leave, now."

    The usual murmers of calling a vet, etc. I tell everyone to leave unless they want to watch me shoot the poor thing. They all get in their cars and leave. I put on my big gloves and prod it with my baton over to some grass so I have a backstop and don't have to worry about the ricochet off the concrete lot. As I'm about to shoot it, another officer pulls up. I shoot old poor Ricky Raccoon to put him down.

    And as a last act of defiance, Ricky rolls down the embankment into a creek full of the nastiest black, sludge-fulled water I've ever seen. Son of a bitch. He thrashes a few seconds to make sure he gets totally soaked, and finally stops. The other officer is laughing his ass off.

    All I have in the back of my car is paper bags. I put him into one (Ricky - not the other cop), and carry him across the lot to my car. He soaks through the bag and flops onto the concrete with a thud. By now, the other officer who had pulled up is beside himself. I thought he was going to fall over he was laughing so hard. He helped me put him into a few more bags, and then drove off as fast as he could to tell everyone about the dead raccoon that was getting it's revenge at every turn. I haul Ricky to animal control and drop him off.

    Even when someone else is an idiot, I end up being the idiot. Now all I have to do is wait for the complaint of being cruel to the raccoon.

    FML.

  2. #2
    pgg's Avatar
    pgg
    pgg is offline Damnit, I'm hungry again.
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    should have just pulled a shotgun out, racked it, and hollored out "hey y'all, where da coon at"
    'Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a
    delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly
    promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
    holds forth the proposition that it is entirely
    possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!'

    A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity. Sigmund Freud

  3. #3
    IMGreat101's Avatar
    IMGreat101 is offline The Butcher
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    Now the factory will have to provide counseling for the psych trauma those poor coon huggers suffered.


  4. #4
    DeputyDuc's Avatar
    DeputyDuc is offline On a wheel
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    Fantastic! Great, well-related story

  5. #5
    GirlInBrown's Avatar
    GirlInBrown is offline If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong....
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPD View Post
    I'm driving around one of the local lakes that has a 5k track around it. I'm being a good cop, and monitoring all of the young college girls jogging around it to make sure they don't get harassed. I'm a giver, and dedicated to my job, of course.

    You forgot the part where your partner that just laughed at you....took up your post at the lake.....

    " The warrior who honors the shield says, WHEN it happens, I will be ready...." Lt. Col. Grossman (Live... 9-11-07)

  6. #6
    cajunguy's Avatar
    cajunguy is online now I LOVE my ParaOrd .45ACP!
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    What???

    No road kill raccoon stew???

    Man, in Looziana, that critter would've been in a pot within a half-hour. (And probably in Arkansaw, Mississsississippippi, and maybe Alabamabamabama, too.)

    Now if you ever get a big ol' possum - - -



    .
    The Swamp Mafia -
    "Heaven doesn't want us,
    and Hell's afraid we'll take over!!"
    .

  7. #7
    SPD's Avatar
    SPD
    SPD is offline Corporal
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    Quote Originally Posted by cajunguy View Post
    Now if you ever get a big ol' possum - - -



    .

    We use possums for practical jokes. They're easy to catch, and wonderful to throw in the back of officers' patrol cars.
    Idiot

  8. #8
    Twan007's Avatar
    Twan007 is offline The People
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    damn hippies - I'm with cajunguy - send their asses down here for a little while - we'll teach them right
    -=Twan007


    Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

    Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.





    The opinions expressed by this poster are wholly his own, and should never be construed to even remotely be in alignment with his employer. Matter of fact, the poster will deny any knowledge of any post... this message will self-destruct in 5 seconds...

  9. #9
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPD View Post
    And as a last act of defiance, Ricky rolls down the embankment into a creek full of the nastiest black, sludge-fulled water I've ever seen. Son of a bitch. He thrashes a few seconds to make sure he gets totally soaked, and finally stops. The other officer is laughing his ass off.


    What a poetic final act of vengeance!


  10. #10
    Captain America's Avatar
    Captain America is offline Reed and Malloy were my FTOs
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    You seriously need to take a bath in Holy Water , SPD.
    On second thought that might be a bad idea because you would probably end up drowning yourself.
    SI VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM

    "It's a great life. You risk your skin catching killers and the juries turn them loose so they can come back and shoot at you again. If your honest , your poor your whole life. And , In the end , you wind up dying all alone on some dirty street. For what? For nothing. For a tin star."
    -Ex-Sheriff Martin Howe to Will Kane in "High Noon"

    Far from being a handicap to command, compassion is the measure of it. For unless one values the lives of his soldiers and is tormented by their ordeals , he is unfit to command.
    -General Omar Bradley, United States Army

    Renniger-Richards-Griswold-Owens

  11. #11
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    Fantastic story


    You should have told everyone that if they want the raccoon taken to the vet, they should pony up their credit card and you'll rush it over.

    I've done that a few times....no one has ever taken me up on it.
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.

  12. #12
    keith720's Avatar
    keith720 is offline Finely Aged
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    Those racoons are tough little creatures! That is one funny story.
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  13. #13
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is offline Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
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    The raccoon's hind end is under the tire, and it is making an awful noise. Apparently, it doesn't like Hondas.
    Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  14. #14
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Dude, I've got to confess that I do want to read a few of your reports.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  15. #15
    tapout's Avatar
    tapout is offline keepin it gangsta'
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    i laughed so hard at this story...great delivery, absolutely hilarious. reps sent
    in the warriors code there's no surrender, though his body says stop, his spirit cries...NEVER. deep in our souls, a quiet ember, knows its you against you, its the paradox that drives us all. its a battle of wills, in the heat of attack, its the passion that kills, and victory is yours alone.


    the posts and opinions stated by me do not in any way reflect the values, beliefs, or views of my department. they are simply opinions and/or observations which have been developed through my personal experiences. hell, most of the stories probably arent even true...wink wink

  16. #16
    SPD's Avatar
    SPD
    SPD is offline Corporal
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ducky View Post
    Dude, I've got to confess that I do want to read a few of your reports.
    My reports are really dry - just notes for court. But this is what I want them to look like. For some reason, the supervisors frown on this sort of thing. Weird.
    Idiot

  17. #17
    Ducky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPD View Post
    My reports are really dry - just notes for court. But this is what I want them to look like. For some reason, the supervisors frown on this sort of thing. Weird.
    Spoilsports don't know what they're missing. Ah well, their loss is our gain. Very glad you're here and sharing with us. Makes me giggle like a little kid.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  18. #18
    MacLean's Avatar
    MacLean is offline O/R Gun mod
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    Quote Originally Posted by SPD View Post
    My reports are really dry - just notes for court. But this is what I want them to look like. For some reason, the supervisors frown on this sort of thing. Weird.
    I completely agree. My little word game came to a crashing halt when one of my supervisors took issue with the definition of the word I used that day.

    I had a habit of putting one unusual word in every report. Damn that was fun!
    I'm your huckleberry...

    Quemadmoeum gladis nemeinum occidit, occidentus telum est!

    You can be the weapon, and the gun in your hand is a tool - or the gun is a weapon and you are the tool.


    I was looking for a saint who was a devil of a lover,
    but every girl I found was either one way or the other...



 

 

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