Post Your Best Drunk Driver Quotes

**Curt581** · 05-01-06, 10:55 AM

A thread for the funniest DUI quotes. I posted this here so everyone could enjoy them.

1. (This one was three nights ago): After informing a rather large individual that he was under arrest, he asked what he'd done wrong on the field tests. I told him I saw six clues on the HGN, and that he failed miserably on the Walk and Turn and One Leg Stand tests. He said, "Sir, I'm 6'7", I weigh 370 lbs. I am NOT a ballerina".

2. While doing the field tests, I gave the drunk instructions on the One Leg Stand. The drunk says, "Which foot should I lift up?". I told him I would let him decide. He stepped from one foot to the other, like he was testing which to use, then said, "I guess it doesn't matter... they're both about the same".

3. A very skanky dressed female drunk, standing at the Intoxilyzer being given instructions in how to give a proper sample. I'm holding the breath tube, with the mouthpiece installed. She says, "So this is the opposite of what I normally do. I blow OUT, not suck IN, right?" Trying to hide a smirk, I tell her, "Yes, you must blow into the mouthpiece". She says, "Well, it's not like I'm a slut or anything, I'm just asking". She licks her lips, and tries to 'deepthroat' the entire mouthpiece and breath tube.
(She ended up being a refusal, because she kept playing games)

4. My sector partner and I responded to a rollover accident. We get to the scene, to find the car completely demolished, laying on it's roof. Judging by the debris trail, it had obviously rolled multiple times. We found the driver hanging upside down his seatbelt, seemingly unconscious. My partner stoops down at the driver's window, yelling, "HEY! Are you okay?!" The drunk snaps awake, staring straight forward. He turns his head, and is startled when he sees the officer. Real belligerent, he says, "Whaaa th' fuck are you stoppin' me for?! I wasn't speedin'!".
(He got a few extra lumps when he popped the seatbelt buckle. Gravity's a bitch.)

**keith720** · 05-01-06, 11:31 AM

I asked a drunk driver how much he had to drink and he said, "Oh, maybe 2 or 3......or 13 or 14! It's kinda hard to keep count when you been sittin' in the bar all day!" He blew a .37!

**Retdetsgt** · 05-01-06, 12:04 PM

"You expect me to walk in this condition?!?" Seriously, one guy said that to me.

**chris2001** · 05-01-06, 12:19 PM

Good lord guys, I can only imagine the things my first DUI is going to say.

**BEK** · 05-01-06, 12:47 PM

I had a drunk walk up to me, ask me if he was ok to drive. I told him if he got in his truck and drove that I would pull him over and arrest him. He walked away from me, got in his companys truck and took off. He made it about 5 blocks. When I stopped him and told him to step out of the vehicle he told me the other cop said he could drive, I informed him that I was that cop, he stated oh shit i didnt think you would see me. BTW the company wasnt too happy to send a guy from texas to pick up the truck

**cntryboy0531** · 05-01-06, 03:42 PM

A guy on my shift had a DUI the other night. We have given him hell for it (he's newer than me

). We call it the "Brokeback Mountain DUI.". The guy was gayer than a $3 bill. Hit on the deputy... Also told the deputy numerous times to "search my pocket, search my pocket!" and *bends over at the waist "oh officer, you didn't search here.."

BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

**Welpe** · 05-01-06, 06:24 PM

There was a quote written on the white board in briefing:

Drunk guy to officer: "I'm not dangerous....I swear....I'm just stupid."

**jmur5074** · 05-01-06, 06:42 PM

When I was in the jail one night, a deputy was reading the Alcohol Influence report to a drunk, and he asked him if his vehicle had any "mechanical defects"

The guy (with a significant southern drawl, which made it funnier) thought for a minute and he says "Yeah....it swerves from left to right!!"

**Iron Man** · 05-01-06, 07:21 PM

Looks up at the night sky "did anyone ever tell you why the stars are blue?"

LOL

**Darin** · 05-01-06, 10:28 PM

This guy told me he had trouble with his balance because he had a bum "megendez" tendon in his knee. I still have no clue what a megendez tendon is

He ended up being .25 had multiple previous and was suspended DUI related. He borrowed a neighbors 2003 BMW which was promptly impounded.

FishTail · 05-01-06, 10:32 PM

"Can't this be sorted out amicably, officer?" <opens wallet stuffed with cash>

I shit you not.

**Ducky** · 05-01-06, 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by LongTail

"Can't this be sorted out amicably, officer?" <opens wallet stuffed with cash>

I shit you not.

Dude! Open bribery???

Damn. Just... damn. LOL

FishTail · 05-01-06, 10:47 PM

He was dumb as well as drunk.

**Ducky** · 05-01-06, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by LongTail

He was dumb as well as drunk.

A dangerous combination. The one compounds the other and the possibilities boggle the mind.

**lcsodre108** · 05-02-06, 12:52 AM

This is from last night, " I only had 2 beers," one of which was in the car open. He then proceeded to tell me it wasn't the alcohol that was causing his impairment, it was mixing the beer and anti depressants, and blood pressure medicine.

**kdm0409** · 05-02-06, 09:14 AM

I had one that kept trying to tell me to let him go b/c he lived close. So I ask "Where do you live?" He said "3 beers that way." I kinda laughed and I said "Where is that again?" He again said "3 beers that way"... This time he fell on his ass when he was pointing. It was funny and I was glad to have the car camera, no one believed me until they heard him.

**MisterK** · 05-02-06, 09:21 AM

Originally Posted by LongTail

"Can't this be sorted out amicably, officer?" <opens wallet stuffed with cash>

I shit you not.

Do you have in car cameras?

**NavLaw** · 05-02-06, 09:41 AM

You should try going thru the acadmy and not be able to pass any of the ballance tests, my instructors had a ball with that. I think now they have a ballance requirment. Takes all the fun out of it.

FishTail · 05-02-06, 10:59 AM

Originally Posted by MisterK

Do you have in car cameras?

No. I did have a partner though.

**lcsodre108** · 05-02-06, 12:40 PM

I was doing one of my last instructor supervised DRE's, when I asked the guy, who was about 19 to do the field sobriety tests, he said he couldn't balance. When I asked why, he pulled up both pants legs, and had prosethetics from just above the knee. He conveniently forgot to tell me that when I asked if he had any medical problems, or disabilities.