Welcome to the APBWeb.
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 21
  1. #1
    Curt581 is offline Whatever
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    12-04-05
    Posts
    320
    Rep Power
    1125129

    Post Your Best Drunk Driver Quotes

    A thread for the funniest DUI quotes. I posted this here so everyone could enjoy them.

    1. (This one was three nights ago): After informing a rather large individual that he was under arrest, he asked what he'd done wrong on the field tests. I told him I saw six clues on the HGN, and that he failed miserably on the Walk and Turn and One Leg Stand tests. He said, "Sir, I'm 6'7", I weigh 370 lbs. I am NOT a ballerina".

    2. While doing the field tests, I gave the drunk instructions on the One Leg Stand. The drunk says, "Which foot should I lift up?". I told him I would let him decide. He stepped from one foot to the other, like he was testing which to use, then said, "I guess it doesn't matter... they're both about the same".

    3. A very skanky dressed female drunk, standing at the Intoxilyzer being given instructions in how to give a proper sample. I'm holding the breath tube, with the mouthpiece installed. She says, "So this is the opposite of what I normally do. I blow OUT, not suck IN, right?" Trying to hide a smirk, I tell her, "Yes, you must blow into the mouthpiece". She says, "Well, it's not like I'm a slut or anything, I'm just asking". She licks her lips, and tries to 'deepthroat' the entire mouthpiece and breath tube.
    (She ended up being a refusal, because she kept playing games)

    4. My sector partner and I responded to a rollover accident. We get to the scene, to find the car completely demolished, laying on it's roof. Judging by the debris trail, it had obviously rolled multiple times. We found the driver hanging upside down his seatbelt, seemingly unconscious. My partner stoops down at the driver's window, yelling, "HEY! Are you okay?!" The drunk snaps awake, staring straight forward. He turns his head, and is startled when he sees the officer. Real belligerent, he says, "Whaaa th' fuck are you stoppin' me for?! I wasn't speedin'!".
    (He got a few extra lumps when he popped the seatbelt buckle. Gravity's a bitch.)

  2. #2
    keith720's Avatar
    keith720 is offline Finely Aged
    Premium Lifetime Member
    Verified LEO
    Site Moderator
    Join Date
    01-06-06
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    5,285
    Rep Power
    5291854
    I asked a drunk driver how much he had to drink and he said, "Oh, maybe 2 or 3......or 13 or 14! It's kinda hard to keep count when you been sittin' in the bar all day!" He blew a .37!
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  3. #3
    Retdetsgt's Avatar
    Retdetsgt is offline How did I get here!
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    12-07-05
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    1,944
    Rep Power
    7757734
    "You expect me to walk in this condition?!?" Seriously, one guy said that to me.
    When I used to be somebody (I'm center top)

    "A burning desire for social justice is never a substitute for knowing what you're talking about". -Thomas Sowell-

  4. #4
    chris2001's Avatar
    chris2001 is offline Captain
    Join Date
    12-03-05
    Location
    KS
    Posts
    2,690
    Rep Power
    680845
    Good lord guys, I can only imagine the things my first DUI is going to say.
    Being the best is not what always counts. What counts is always trying your best.

    Remember who you are, and where you came from. That way you never get a big head.


    May those that lost their lives in 9-11 RIP, for the things you did not many could do. You left so many behind so that you could save so few. For now we stand strong as one, and will not look back till the fight is done. (me)

    http://www.danasoft.com/sig/Nowwhat%...5Csuphomey.jpg

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS only.

  5. #5
    BEK's Avatar
    BEK
    BEK is offline Lieutenant
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    01-02-06
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    2,101
    Rep Power
    3397444
    I had a drunk walk up to me, ask me if he was ok to drive. I told him if he got in his truck and drove that I would pull him over and arrest him. He walked away from me, got in his companys truck and took off. He made it about 5 blocks. When I stopped him and told him to step out of the vehicle he told me the other cop said he could drive, I informed him that I was that cop, he stated oh shit i didnt think you would see me. BTW the company wasnt too happy to send a guy from texas to pick up the truck


  6. #6
    cntryboy0531 is offline THE five-oh
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    12-03-05
    Location
    Somewhere in Florida
    Posts
    1,911
    Rep Power
    5562963
    A guy on my shift had a DUI the other night. We have given him hell for it (he's newer than me ). We call it the "Brokeback Mountain DUI.". The guy was gayer than a $3 bill. Hit on the deputy... Also told the deputy numerous times to "search my pocket, search my pocket!" and *bends over at the waist "oh officer, you didn't search here.."


    BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  7. #7
    Welpe's Avatar
    Welpe is offline Wannabe NFL Ref
    Join Date
    01-04-06
    Location
    Central Coast, CA
    Posts
    556
    Rep Power
    2294591
    There was a quote written on the white board in briefing:

    Drunk guy to officer: "I'm not dangerous....I swear....I'm just stupid."
    "To the German commander: 'Nuts!' The American Commander" - General Tony McAuliffe, 101st Airborne Division

  8. #8
    jmur5074's Avatar
    jmur5074 is offline Moderator
    Premium Lifetime Member
    Verified LEO
    Site Moderator
    Join Date
    12-04-05
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    9,047
    Rep Power
    6232608
    When I was in the jail one night, a deputy was reading the Alcohol Influence report to a drunk, and he asked him if his vehicle had any "mechanical defects"

    The guy (with a significant southern drawl, which made it funnier) thought for a minute and he says "Yeah....it swerves from left to right!!"
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.

  9. #9
    Iron Man's Avatar
    Iron Man is offline Don't Tase me bro!
    Join Date
    12-07-05
    Posts
    1,959
    Rep Power
    130315
    Looks up at the night sky "did anyone ever tell you why the stars are blue?"


    LOL
    This message was brought to you by Tampons. We
    aren't the best thing in the world but we are right up
    there next to it.


    To them its always 'scary and aggressive' driving. To us its at times a matter of life and death." -LawnMM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmYie3bB3OU

  10. #10
    Darin's Avatar
    Darin is offline I'm sooooo gonna score
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    12-04-05
    Location
    Mid Atlantic area
    Posts
    1,083
    Rep Power
    2186960
    This guy told me he had trouble with his balance because he had a bum "megendez" tendon in his knee. I still have no clue what a megendez tendon is He ended up being .25 had multiple previous and was suspended DUI related. He borrowed a neighbors 2003 BMW which was promptly impounded.

  11. #11
    FishTail Guest
    "Can't this be sorted out amicably, officer?" <opens wallet stuffed with cash>

    I shit you not.

  12. #12
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
    Supporting Member Lvl 3
    Join Date
    12-05-05
    Location
    Handbasket, enroute to somewhere hot.
    Posts
    11,096
    Rep Power
    7381621
    Quote Originally Posted by LongTail
    "Can't this be sorted out amicably, officer?" <opens wallet stuffed with cash>

    I shit you not.
    Dude! Open bribery???


    Damn. Just... damn. LOL
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  13. #13
    FishTail Guest
    He was dumb as well as drunk.

  14. #14
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
    Supporting Member Lvl 3
    Join Date
    12-05-05
    Location
    Handbasket, enroute to somewhere hot.
    Posts
    11,096
    Rep Power
    7381621
    Quote Originally Posted by LongTail
    He was dumb as well as drunk.
    A dangerous combination. The one compounds the other and the possibilities boggle the mind.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  15. #15
    lcsodre108's Avatar
    lcsodre108 is offline DUI Persecutor
    Join Date
    03-01-06
    Location
    Ward AR
    Posts
    313
    Rep Power
    87903
    This is from last night, " I only had 2 beers," one of which was in the car open. He then proceeded to tell me it wasn't the alcohol that was causing his impairment, it was mixing the beer and anti depressants, and blood pressure medicine.
    www.alliedoddballs.com
    I can't do this test when I am sober!

    Respect My AUTHORITAE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. #16
    kdm0409's Avatar
    kdm0409 is offline ^ Female Deputy
    Join Date
    01-02-06
    Location
    Mid TN
    Posts
    930
    Rep Power
    643210
    I had one that kept trying to tell me to let him go b/c he lived close. So I ask "Where do you live?" He said "3 beers that way." I kinda laughed and I said "Where is that again?" He again said "3 beers that way"... This time he fell on his ass when he was pointing. It was funny and I was glad to have the car camera, no one believed me until they heard him.
    It is better to be tried by 12, than carried by 6.
    ______________________________ __________
    An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.
    ______________________________ __________
    In vino veritas!

  17. #17
    MisterK's Avatar
    MisterK is offline Monkey Man
    Join Date
    12-14-05
    Location
    Sin City
    Posts
    445
    Rep Power
    667582
    Quote Originally Posted by LongTail
    "Can't this be sorted out amicably, officer?" <opens wallet stuffed with cash>

    I shit you not.

    Do you have in car cameras?
    Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft. -
    Theodore Roosevelt

    ____________________

    People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

  18. #18
    NavLaw's Avatar
    NavLaw is offline Officer First Class
    Join Date
    03-03-06
    Location
    central new york
    Posts
    127
    Rep Power
    57309
    You should try going thru the acadmy and not be able to pass any of the ballance tests, my instructors had a ball with that. I think now they have a ballance requirment. Takes all the fun out of it.
    If you can't do it from a boat. Do you really want to do it?

  19. #19
    FishTail Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by MisterK
    Do you have in car cameras?
    No. I did have a partner though.

  20. #20
    lcsodre108's Avatar
    lcsodre108 is offline DUI Persecutor
    Join Date
    03-01-06
    Location
    Ward AR
    Posts
    313
    Rep Power
    87903
    I was doing one of my last instructor supervised DRE's, when I asked the guy, who was about 19 to do the field sobriety tests, he said he couldn't balance. When I asked why, he pulled up both pants legs, and had prosethetics from just above the knee. He conveniently forgot to tell me that when I asked if he had any medical problems, or disabilities.
    www.alliedoddballs.com
    I can't do this test when I am sober!

    Respect My AUTHORITAE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-04-07, 01:04 AM
  2. Two sheriff's cars hit by suspected drunk driver
    By Willowdared in forum In the News
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 04-18-07, 05:53 PM
  3. Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-31-07, 08:39 PM
  4. Drunk Driver Taunts Police In Colorado
    By BEB in forum In the News
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 03-16-07, 06:26 PM
  5. Replies: 6
    Last Post: 12-11-06, 09:50 AM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •