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  1. #1
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
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    Funny and/or stupid criminal stories?

    Funny, stupid, or just plain weird, I know you have those stories to tell......let's hear some of them!




  2. #2
    Xiphos's Avatar
    Xiphos is online now I Void Warranties
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    I was in court one day on the first floor of the courthouse. I had a case in Juvenile & Domestic Relations court which occupied the first floor, along with the entrances and security screening. All the cases for traffic, misdemeanor criminal, and civil were on the second floor.

    There was a special seating area for LE only in the waiting area. Then a large area for everyone else. In the traffic/criminal upstairs everyone sits in the courtroom waiting for their case. In J&D because of confidentiality we all wait in the seating area, waiting for the case to be called. Along with the cops and all the defendants, victims, witnesses are all the defense attorneys. So we're all kind of mingling in close proximity.

    A woman walks up to me in the midst of all this with her traffic ticket and interrupts whatever conversation we're having. All the lawyers, cops, and citizens stop to watch her. She's looking for traffic court but asks, "Where's the second floor?"

    Being a wise ass, I pointed to the ceiling and say, "Up there."

    She's kind of flustered since although I technically answered her question she still doesn't know where to find traffic court.

    She asks, "How do I get there?"

    Unable to resist, I replied, "The stairs."

    Again, I've answered her question but she still doesn't know how to find traffic court. I think she realized how the conversation sounded and walked off, wandering down the hallway. After a few moments of stunned silence everyone within earshot starts laughing.

    One of the attorneys, who can barely talk he's laughing so hard, says, "No wonder everyone thinks you guys are dicks."
    Pleasing nobody, one person at a time.

    That which does not kill me, better start fucking running.

    If I lived every day like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

    I intend to go in harm's way. -John Paul Jones

    Hunt the wolf, and bring light to the dark places that others fear to go. LT COL Dave Grossman

  3. #3
    Five-0's Avatar
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    Wasn't it Bob with that went back and forth with a guy about pants or something?

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  4. #4
    Cidp24's Avatar
    Cidp24 is offline Tempus Fugit
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    "Stupid" Category

    I was walking in the HQ building, back when Court Services was in the same building. As I walked past a van parked out front with the drivers window down, I smelled burning marijuana. I stopped, backed up, and looked in the window. There was a roach in the ashtray. I went in, asked the guy at the counter paying a ticket if that was his van, he said "yes". I asked if anyone had driven up there with him or if he was alone. He said he was alone. I said if you are dumb enough to smoke dope in the police department parking lot then I really don't mind charging you with the roach in the ashtray, you're under arrest.

    You would not believe how many people come to the PD while drunk to bond someone out. There has been many an arrest in the lobby because some drunk showed his butt while getting a friend out.
    *************************
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    to another life somewhere in the sun."
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  5. #5
    Five-0's Avatar
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    Funny you should mention coming to the station drunk. Last week or so I was shooting the breeze with some of the night shift guys coming on when the guy who covers the beat with our in it office gets an intoxicated person call, wait for it.....in the lobby of the office. Guy is putting money on the books for his brother and when they said drunk they meant it. You could smell him from 15 yards away. Blew a .28 on a portable breath test. Of course claimed not to have had anything to drink since last night, and of course he drove to the office. Dude knew he was screwed when he saw all of the south and west units plus little ol me standing behind him when he turned around. He did mouth off a bit with the witty comment of "how many of y'all does it take to wup my a$$?" I had to lay some Ron White right back on him, "I don't how many of us it will take, but I know how many we are going to use."

    Start at about the 1:50 mark to see what I mean:


    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  6. #6
    Pudge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    I had to lay some Ron White right back on him, "I don't how many of us it will take, but I know how many we are going to use."

    Start at about the 1:50 mark to see what I mean:

    YouTube - ‪Ron White - Drunk in Public - Blue Collar comedy tour: the movie‬‏
    I bow to you, sir. Reps. I've dropped some, "You can't fix stupid" remarks on calls, but never had the luck to use that one. You are the man.
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  7. #7
    Pudge's Avatar
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    I live and work in one of the highest concentrations of stupid per capita that you could find. I may be contributing new ones to this daily as my memory hits.

    One that stands out is an incident we had a couple years ago. I'll save the lengthy set up to it, and skip to the good stuff.

    We were watching for a guy that had been ID'd and given a trespass warning from our Wal Mart to return. He was suspected of scamming Wal Marts all over the east coast and midwest. He was sent on his way after he denied having a car on the lot and advised not to return. Detective sits on the car and later finds our boy sneaking back to it. He contacts him, a brief fight ensues and the suspect flees on foot.

    I'm dispatched with my partner to back him up, and locate him running on foot just up the road. I flip on him, do some offroading in my car and bail out to go after him as he dives into some brush.

    At gunpoint, I order him from the bushes and prone him out on the ground. The whole time I'm giving commands, he's screaming at me, "Why are you pointing a gun at me? I was only Trespassing!!!"

    Booked on Trespass, held on bond while the other case was investigated, confirmed, and charged.
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  8. #8
    Five-0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pudge View Post
    I bow to you, sir. Reps. I've dropped some, "You can't fix stupid" remarks on calls, but never had the luck to use that one. You are the man.
    You do realize that if we worked together we would need to do so after we are both vested. I have a rule of, "If it feels good to say it....DON'T" My only exception is when it is good enough to make the admin and/or the person I'm talking to laugh.

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  9. #9
    Pudge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    You do realize that if we worked together we would need to do so after we are both vested. I have a rule of, "If it feels good to say it....DON'T" My only exception is when it is good enough to make the admin and/or the person I'm talking to laugh.

    Agreed. I tend to use the same theory depending on the surroundings and clientele. I've taken verbal judo to a different level, I'd rather call my version, Verbal Ninja. You don't see it coming, it hits and you have no clue what the hell is happening, and then when the dust settles you realize you've been smoked, and from my demeanor and continued conversation, you'd never figure that it came from me.
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    www.twitter.com/pojmm
    www.twitter.com/ORGIB

    The opinions given in my posts & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Pudge" on Officerresource.com

  10. #10
    Buttercup's Avatar
    Buttercup is offline Thrives in sunshine
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    These are great, keep them coming!




  11. #11
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is online now Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
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    Received a call of several individuals sitting in chairs in a semi circle drinking and smoking marijuana on a street corner. I parked around the corner and walked to the location. These guys were so stoned they had no idea I was in the universe. I walked up and stood between two chairs looking at them as they were smoking and passing the joint. When it got to the person next to me he was taking a little more time than he should have so I told him "Puff puff pass man." He never missed a beat and handed me the joint. The guy's eyes on the other side of me were round as saucers as he realized what had just happened and he fell out of his chair.
    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  12. #12
    Five-0's Avatar
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    5 pages of win for newer verified members here:

    http://apbweb.com/forums/locker-room...omments-20190/

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  13. #13
    Broke Hoss's Avatar
    Broke Hoss is offline Corporal
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    I don't really know why, but I always think of these 2 incidents when I'm asked such questions.

    1. I was still fairly new & dispatched to a Trespass call; seemed the CP couldn't get a couple of visitors to leave her house. I knock on the door & hear the 1...2....3....4 deadbolts get unlocked; all of which she relocks after I enter (1st clue). CP is a nice older lady with about 13 cats (2nd clue). She takes me to the living room, where we are obviously the only ones and she points to the empty couch (3rd clue). She explains that "Bessie" is a friend, but the other 2 on the couch are strangers & she wants them out. Mainly this seems to be because they move her clothes around in her closet & take the buttons off her shirts & re-sew them on the other side. Not knowing what else to do, I thanked "Bessie" for being such a good friend and then went into a 5 minute rant toward the other end of the empty couch. I threatened jail & various felonies; I yelled about respect for others; I even quoted a few bible verses. Then I looked at the CP and asked "That took care of that, didn't it?" I was her hero after that. But all calls from then on were handled without me getting inside & locked in.

    2. On a disturbance between a husband & wife who was confronting him with all the evidence she had of his many indiscretions. She is mad enough to kill him and he makes a feeble attempt at making a quick salvage of the relationship by saying: "Aw babe, all those others were just Sport F***s. I LOVE you, that's different." I pointed out to him that this did little for his cause as the cover officer held her back.

    I know others will be better, but these 2 calls will always make me laugh for some reason.
    Blessed are the the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. MATT 5:10

  14. #14
    jcsdscott's Avatar
    jcsdscott is offline The short minister
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    Quote Originally Posted by lewisipso View Post
    Received a call of several individuals sitting in chairs in a semi circle drinking and smoking marijuana on a street corner. I parked around the corner and walked to the location. These guys were so stoned they had no idea I was in the universe. I walked up and stood between two chairs looking at them as they were smoking and passing the joint. When it got to the person next to me he was taking a little more time than he should have so I told him "Puff puff pass man." He never missed a beat and handed me the joint. The guy's eyes on the other side of me were round as saucers as he realized what had just happened and he fell out of his chair.
    Hilarious!
    Romans 8:28-31

    "Anima Sana In Corpore Sano"

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  15. #15
    Jenna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Broke Hoss View Post
    CP is a nice older lady with about 13 cats (2nd clue). She takes me to the living room, where we are obviously the only ones and she points to the empty couch (3rd clue). She explains that "Bessie" is a friend, but the other 2 on the couch are strangers & she wants them out. Mainly this seems to be because they move her clothes around in her closet & take the buttons off her shirts & re-sew them on the other side. Not knowing what else to do, I thanked "Bessie" for being such a good friend and then went into a 5 minute rant toward the other end of the empty couch. I threatened jail & various felonies; I yelled about respect for others; I even quoted a few bible verses. Then I looked at the CP and asked "That took care of that, didn't it?" I was her hero after that. But all calls from then on were handled without me getting inside & locked in.
    That was really nice of you! She and her 13 cats can now sleep safely!


  16. #16
    Xiphos's Avatar
    Xiphos is online now I Void Warranties
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    In the middle of the night, in a quiet, wealthy neighborhood we discover a bunch of graffiti. It's all over the road, some fences, and on a couple houses. My partner and I were discussing how it's probably a bunch of local kids being stupid. The entire time we're out there, there's no sign of life.

    Suddenly an SUV full of teenagers drives by and we get the mouth breathing, wide eyed, "Midgets on Mopeds Syndrome" (as in "I'm gonna get busted, go to jail, and get boned in the ass so much that midgets on mopeds will be able to ride around in my rectum,") look as they go by.

    Bingo! My partner and I jump in our cruisers and chase the kids down and stop them. I walk up to the driver and start the interrogation. I have the driver get out to give me his documents so I can look at his hands and see the paint. He's more nervous than the bus boy at a NAMBLA convention but I can't see any paint on his hands.

    I haven't told him what's up yet, I just act like I know what he's done. "Look, we wouldn't be up here at this time of night dealing with you if we didn't already know what you were doing. I just want you to explain yourself." He's putting up a brave front but it's crumbling.

    The driver looks at his feet, sighs, shoulders drooping, "I'm sorry. There's still some pot in in my jacket. We didn't think anyone would see us there smoking."

    Well this is an interesting turn of events. Hiding my surprise I don't miss a beat. I told him he did the right thing and said I wanted the rest of the drugs. We got some dope and a bunch of prescription pills that they had no legal right to possess. I got a bunch of felonies, confessions, and drugs. Never did figure out who spray painted the neighborhood though.
    Pleasing nobody, one person at a time.

    That which does not kill me, better start fucking running.

    If I lived every day like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

    I intend to go in harm's way. -John Paul Jones

    Hunt the wolf, and bring light to the dark places that others fear to go. LT COL Dave Grossman

  17. #17
    Car 4's Avatar
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    I am Command Duty Officer late one Saturday night down in Precinct 3. Radio puts out a res burg in progress about one half mile from my location. K-9-3 is window to window with me so we both go code 3. As we arrive, the homeowner says, "He went that way with my gun".

    We dismount and put out the dog. He goes like an arrow to a fence about a block up the street. He is going nuts so we throw him over the fence. He hits the first human he sees, which haappens to be the son of the property owner....and he is throwing a huge juvenile drinking party.

    After we climb over the fence, K-9-3 leashes his dog and we contact the kid who got bit. He doesn't want his dad to know about his little party...and we would rather not fill out a dogbite report. He clears out the kids and we fade into the night.



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    I would like my country back. I used to believe that one man could never destroy this country. Not so sure anymore!

  18. #18
    Pudge's Avatar
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    This one is more of a stupid cop moment. I'll tell on myself and a partner a bit with this one.

    We were riding double one night and handling a call when two of our partners get sent to a fight in a multiapartment house that used to be a single family dwelling. As we're clearing our call, our partners call out for additional people, so we step it up.

    We arrive to find both of the other cars parked around the side, nearest the door to the back, rear apartment.

    In our haste, we rush through the back door, but we don't find a fight. We find two guys sitting on a couch that faces the door, watching Tv and snuggling. They both quickly snap to and put their hands up, while their jaws drop.

    Realizing we were in the wrong apartment, my partner asks, "Where is Apartment B?!" They don't miss a beat and the raised hands go to four pointed fingers indicating its the upstairs apartment.

    We bolt back out the door, around to the front and upstairs to handle the fight.
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  19. #19
    jcsdscott's Avatar
    jcsdscott is offline The short minister
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    We had a little venue, a natural amphitheater area that ended up being privately owned. That's important because he didn't like us, so he would hire his own security. The owner would rent out the place and let people come from everywhere to throw 2 or 3 day raves, each one having multiple ambulance calls for overdose "victims", theft, assault, etc. Well, one of these times dispatch sent us to secure the scene for the ambulance to pick up a combative guy tripping out on whatever he took. Myself and two other deputies get there to see one guy surrounded by the "Polo Boys" (security), naked and handcuffed. No one knows where his clothes went but listening to him for two seconds shows he's blitzed out of his gourd.

    All of a sudden he breaks loose from security and runs straight to a picnic table. He must have found a knot hole to his liking because next thing you know he's a-pumpin' and a-sweatin' that table into submission, all the while shouting "THERE IT IS BOYS!!!!"

    Not sure now if he finished or not, and I don't really want to know, but the ambulance arrived and took him to the ER for possible Ectasy overdose....and splinters.
    Romans 8:28-31

    "Anima Sana In Corpore Sano"

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  20. #20
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    Several years ago we were having to use an adjacent county to house our prisoners. We had just arrived with a couple of mopes to booking, a jailer walks up and says hey you guys are from xxxxxxxx County, y'all have a guy back there trading sex for cigarettes and honeybuns; soooooo naturally we ask does he have any smokes and honeybuns, he said yep he sure does-got a number 3 washtub full and line of about 40 deep waiting their turn...
    Job security...

    Ecclesiastes 8:11 Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.

 

 
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