What is the funniest thing you've ever seen or done on duty?

[Pudge]

Keeping along the lines of the "Dumbest thing you've done" and "Stupid/Funny criminal" threads, what is the funniest thing you've ever seen or done on duty?


One off of the top of my head....

Our courthouse square has a grassy area with a monument and some benches. There used to be a drinking fountain there also.

One summer night I'm stopped at the traffic signal when I noticed this young guy mean mugging me, acting all hard. We're having a bit of an ego match to see who breaks eye contact first and he strolls up to the drinking fountain. While leaning down to take a drink and giving me the eye, he opens it up, but must not have been real familiar with the fountain and its strong water pressure. He opens it up to catch a drink and gets BLASTED in the face with water. I laughed so hard I could hear it echoing off of the buildings.

[cajunguy]

Dogs being territorial, and being good friends with one of our K9 Deputies, we concocted a prank on our shift Lieutenant years ago.


We made a zero-dark-thirty coffee stop at our favorite watering hole one morning. The K9 Deputy "ran a little late" to meet us. The Lt. and a couple of us were already inside enjoying a cup of java while the K9 Deputy "slim-jimmed" the Lt.'s car and put his partner in the front seat, then re-locked the car and came inside to meet us.

A few minutes later we all walked to our cars. The Lt. opened his car to be greeted by a snarling, growling Malinois. I think the dog was telling him something to the effect of, "Why are you trying to get into MY CAR?"

Never seen that little man back peddle that fast before or since.


.

[keith720]

I was training a new officer. When it came time for his first "solo" traffic stop, I told him I'd sit in the squad car and watch. While he was out, I dropped a killer fart. He came back to the car a few seconds later and as soon as he opened the door and started to sit, I asked him, "Do you smell smoke?" He took a big whiff, his eyes teared-up, and he started to gag! He looked at me like he wanted to kill me! We both ended-up laughing so hard, that we let the driver off with a warning!

[Cidp24]

...I dropped a killer fart.

Along the same lines, I let one fly as soon as the water started to flow in an automatic car wash so we had to stay in, windows up. Only thing, it wasn't a rookie, it was my FTO. He is still on the job and he STILL brings it up every once in a while

[Buttercup]

Along the same lines, I let one fly as soon as the water started to flow in an automatic car wash so we had to stay in, windows up. Only thing, it wasn't a rookie, it was my FTO. He is still on the job and he STILL brings it up every once in a while

That is evil!!

[Cidp24]

That is evil!!

So I've been told.... MANY times!

[keith720]

Usually when I have gas, it emits the distinct odor of Lilacs.......

[Xiphos]

Usually when I have gas, it emits the distinct odor of Lilacs.......

WTF are you eating?!?!?!?

[Xiphos]

I was training a rookie and we finished our shift at 0300. When I got home a buddy on graves called to tell me he found our cruiser in the parking lot with the door open (rookie's door). He secured the car for me.

I came in early and hid the car. When my rookie got there he asked where it was and I in turn asked him if he left the door open. He couldn't remember shutting it. I told him the laptop was ripped out with the mount and the RADAR was stolen. I told him the captain wanted a memo from him about why he left the car open.

Poor rookie looked sick. He typed out a good memo and handed it to me. I read it and dropped it in the shredder. He looked confused so I told him who found the car and secured it for us. The look of relief on his face was priceless and I still get a good chuckle from it.

I guarantee he double checks his car to this day, making sure it's locked at the end of shift.

[Xiphos]

This happened to a friend. He was stopped at a stop light and the sidewalk was busy during the lunch rush. Some dirty hippy started yelling, "I smell bacon! I SMELL BAAAAAACON!!!"

Everyone stopped and stared at my friend and they were chuckling at the audacity of the bum. The light turned green and as traffic started to move, my buddy yelled back, "I smell traaaaash!"

Everyone started laughing at the hippie and he got all indignant, "Heeeeey! You can't say that to me!" but the cop had driven off, leaving the bum to the laughs of everyone around him.

[keith720]

I got hit by the ol' "I smell bacon" by a trucker who was trying to impress his friends a while back. I sniffed back and said, "hmmm, I smell asshole!" while I looked at him. His friends thought my line much more clever than his.

[Jenna]

Usually when I have gas, it emits the distinct odor of Lilacs.......

[Trojan 42]

We had a Rookie that would always walk the long way round a large cemetery, rather than take the half mile footpath through the centre. So the next night duty I took him out on foot patrol and took the path. There are no lights and it is really dark but you can see the street light in the distance. About half way along the path I say, ''What's that noise?'' ''Sounds like a stone being dragged'' And shine my flashlight into the graveyard and there in the dark is an arm hanging out of a tomb! The Rookie took off and ran the length of the path in seconds, to find the rest of the relief (watch to you colonials) cheering him. I however, climbed into the graveyard to get back the shop mannequin's arm back that I'd put there earlier.

[ChesCopPodz]

My funniest wasn't a what, rather a who. We had a real character at my old department. He was hilarious to listen to, but he didn't realize it. He had the dryest sense of humor ever, except everything he said was comic gold. He once arrested his own wife for DV after she slapped him (while he was off duty). He'd regularly run radar and make stops in his pajamas in his take home to slow down the morning commuters leaving his neighborhood (he worked evenings).

He's also a world renowned body builder, and a 4th degree blackbelt.

The two best radio transmissions I ever heard from him are the funniest things I've ever heard on duty. Typing them won't allow you to get his dry monotone and extreme enunciation on every syllable, but oh well.

#1- He stops out with three people in a park after hours. His transmissions went as follows-

"Unit XXX, I'll be out with three characters in XXXXX park. (Roughly 30 seconds later). Unit XXX, start me another unit, these characters fancy themselves tough guys (Another 30 seconds later) Unit XXX, start an ambulance....not for me."

#2- He attempts to contact a wanted party at a residence. As I've said, he's a body builder and blackbelt. His sector partner, a guy I went through the academy with, was a college football linebacker, and almost as ripped, if not just as big as our main character. For the purpose of this story, you should know that both of the above are black.

"Unit XXX to unit YYY, please come in. (other officer answers), Unit XXX to unit YYY, will you please accompany me to ABCD Main St? We will attempt to contact and arrest a Mr. Dirt Bag (all of this on the main channel). Please be advise, Mr. Bag is a white male, 45 years old, 6'3" 225. (Unit YYY advises he copies and is en route). Unit XXX to Unit YYY, please be prepared for a ruckus as mr. Bag hates black people, and may not like that fact that two negroes are arresting him."

At that point I had to pull over I was laughing so hard.

[jcsdscott]

My funniest wasn't a what, rather a who. We had a real character at my old department. He was hilarious to listen to, but he didn't realize it. He had the dryest sense of humor ever, except everything he said was comic gold. He once arrested his own wife for DV after she slapped him (while he was off duty). He'd regularly run radar and make stops in his pajamas in his take home to slow down the morning commuters leaving his neighborhood (he worked evenings).

He's also a world renowned body builder, and a 4th degree blackbelt.

The two best radio transmissions I ever heard from him are the funniest things I've ever heard on duty. Typing them won't allow you to get his dry monotone and extreme enunciation on every syllable, but oh well.

#1- He stops out with three people in a park after hours. His transmissions went as follows-

"Unit XXX, I'll be out with three characters in XXXXX park. (Roughly 30 seconds later). Unit XXX, start me another unit, these characters fancy themselves tough guys (Another 30 seconds later) Unit XXX, start an ambulance....not for me."

#2- He attempts to contact a wanted party at a residence. As I've said, he's a body builder and blackbelt. His sector partner, a guy I went through the academy with, was a college football linebacker, and almost as ripped, if not just as big as our main character. For the purpose of this story, you should know that both of the above are black.

"Unit XXX to unit YYY, please come in. (other officer answers), Unit XXX to unit YYY, will you please accompany me to ABCD Main St? We will attempt to contact and arrest a Mr. Dirt Bag (all of this on the main channel). Please be advise, Mr. Bag is a white male, 45 years old, 6'3" 225. (Unit YYY advises he copies and is en route). Unit XXX to Unit YYY, please be prepared for a ruckus as mr. Bag hates black people, and may not like that fact that two negroes are arresting him."

At that point I had to pull over I was laughing so hard.

Now that IS funny!

[Buttercup]

My funniest wasn't a what, rather a who. We had a real character at my old department. He was hilarious to listen to, but he didn't realize it. He had the dryest sense of humor ever, except everything he said was comic gold. He once arrested his own wife for DV after she slapped him (while he was off duty). He'd regularly run radar and make stops in his pajamas in his take home to slow down the morning commuters leaving his neighborhood (he worked evenings).

He's also a world renowned body builder, and a 4th degree blackbelt.

The two best radio transmissions I ever heard from him are the funniest things I've ever heard on duty. Typing them won't allow you to get his dry monotone and extreme enunciation on every syllable, but oh well.

#1- He stops out with three people in a park after hours. His transmissions went as follows-

"Unit XXX, I'll be out with three characters in XXXXX park. (Roughly 30 seconds later). Unit XXX, start me another unit, these characters fancy themselves tough guys (Another 30 seconds later) Unit XXX, start an ambulance....not for me."

#2- He attempts to contact a wanted party at a residence. As I've said, he's a body builder and blackbelt. His sector partner, a guy I went through the academy with, was a college football linebacker, and almost as ripped, if not just as big as our main character. For the purpose of this story, you should know that both of the above are black.

"Unit XXX to unit YYY, please come in. (other officer answers), Unit XXX to unit YYY, will you please accompany me to ABCD Main St? We will attempt to contact and arrest a Mr. Dirt Bag (all of this on the main channel). Please be advise, Mr. Bag is a white male, 45 years old, 6'3" 225. (Unit YYY advises he copies and is en route). Unit XXX to Unit YYY, please be prepared for a ruckus as mr. Bag hates black people, and may not like that fact that two negroes are arresting him."

At that point I had to pull over I was laughing so hard.

Those are great!

[Pudge]

My funniest wasn't a what, rather a who. We had a real character at my old department. He was hilarious to listen to, but he didn't realize it. He had the dryest sense of humor ever, except everything he said was comic gold. He once arrested his own wife for DV after she slapped him (while he was off duty). He'd regularly run radar and make stops in his pajamas in his take home to slow down the morning commuters leaving his neighborhood (he worked evenings).

He's also a world renowned body builder, and a 4th degree blackbelt.

The two best radio transmissions I ever heard from him are the funniest things I've ever heard on duty. Typing them won't allow you to get his dry monotone and extreme enunciation on every syllable, but oh well.

#1- He stops out with three people in a park after hours. His transmissions went as follows-

"Unit XXX, I'll be out with three characters in XXXXX park. (Roughly 30 seconds later). Unit XXX, start me another unit, these characters fancy themselves tough guys (Another 30 seconds later) Unit XXX, start an ambulance....not for me."

#2- He attempts to contact a wanted party at a residence. As I've said, he's a body builder and blackbelt. His sector partner, a guy I went through the academy with, was a college football linebacker, and almost as ripped, if not just as big as our main character. For the purpose of this story, you should know that both of the above are black.

"Unit XXX to unit YYY, please come in. (other officer answers), Unit XXX to unit YYY, will you please accompany me to ABCD Main St? We will attempt to contact and arrest a Mr. Dirt Bag (all of this on the main channel). Please be advise, Mr. Bag is a white male, 45 years old, 6'3" 225. (Unit YYY advises he copies and is en route). Unit XXX to Unit YYY, please be prepared for a ruckus as mr. Bag hates black people, and may not like that fact that two negroes are arresting him."

At that point I had to pull over I was laughing so hard.

LMAO!!!

[keith720]

The funniest radio story I heard was about an old local police chief that had a minor speech defect. He hated talking on the radio and the less he said, the better he liked it. He was calling in the theft of two canoes from a sport shop, and told dispatch that the vehicle was "last seen heading south on 41." Dispatch asked for a vehicle description, and he replied, "It's the one with two fucking canoes on the woof!"

[Pudge]

We had an older "character" that worked with us until a few years ago. He was gruff, appeared grumpy all of the time, and had an odd outlook on the world. He was genuinely a great guy once you knew him, but definitely an odd ball.

One night he's on shift with me and another guy. He had an Auxillary with him who was notorious for falling asleep while riding. Late in an evening shift we hear him muffled, with an echo on the radio. He seems to be calling the Auxillary Officer, but we can't figure out why. He hasn't marked out on anything, and he wasn't well known for sneaking through the shadows, unless he was solo and looking for parkers.

This continues for sometime, and the echo becomes more apparent. The dispatcher finally wakes up and asks him if he had traffic. The exchange goes like this.

"Unit xxx, do you have traffic?"
"Inaudible....negative...inaud ible...marking Auxillary...inaudible"

"county to units xyz and yzx, do you copy xxx?"
"Negative for both, only broken traffic"

"Clear, respond to the Auxillary building, unit xxx may need backup at that location, unknown problem"

"Clear, we're en route"

"XXX - COUNTY....NEGATIVE NEGATIVE I'M TRYING TO REACH MY AUXILLARY UNIT IN THE CRUISER, I'M LOCKED IN THE RESTROOM AT ANYTOWN PARK AND I CAN'T GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!"


We wanted to go witness this first hand, but we were laughing so damn hard we couldn't go anywhere. A good friend that was a County Deputy was on a transport to another county and he had to pull over to breathe. The prisoner in the back was laughing so hard she was in tears.

[zachfortier]

Excerpt from my book Curbchek, now available on Amazon.com

Chapter 15
Tulips by any Other Name Still Smelled Like Shit

Three in the morning is like some dead zone on patrol. The bars have emptied out for the most part, and chasing drunk drivers home is pretty much over. The last of the debris from party time in private homes is still stumbling around, hoping to not get caught.
I first ran into this guy at this time, someone had walked through the park and thought he was dead. He wasn’t. Just really drunk. I don’t remember his first name but his last name is Tulips. Seriously. He had the ID to prove it.
I woke him up and ran his ID, which I had to take from his wallet. He was too drunk to answer questions, too drunk to talk, or even get up on his feet. He just sat there mumbling while I ran the ID. Mr. Tulips had an outstanding warrant. I pulled him to his feet and walked him to the jail. Which was nearby as I had made a tactical decision that I did not want to put him in my car. He had an incredible stench. Shit, urine and some foul ass smell I could not recognize. As we searched him at the jail, turns out he had a colostomy bag. It had not leaked or spilled but he was not very careful when he emptied it, some of the contents had ending up on his clothing. This time I was spared the “full blast of the bag.” I booked him.
The correctional officers were not happy. They’d dealt with Mr. Tulips before. They hated handling this guy because of the smell and the fact he would lay on the bag when he passed out. Causing it to burst.
They also told me for future reference it was not wise to call him Tulips. He could fly into a rage at hearing the name pronounced as it was written. He preferred a French-sounding pronunciation, Twallup, he found more aristocratic. Never mind that he smelled like shit, in his mind he was French.
About three months later I was called to the downtown park near the jail again. It’s 3 a.m. again, and another report of a man possibly dead. The caller said the man looked beat up, he was bleeding from a small head wound and was lying in an awkward position. The caller could not tell if he was breathing.
I arrived and found it was the French Mr. Tulips again. He had been robbed, his few possessions stolen and this time his colostomy bag had ruptured. He was covered in shit from head to toe. He had rolled around in it in his drunken stupor and it was all pretty disgusting. I requested medical and advised dispatch of Mr. Tulip’s condition. Medical was not happy when they arrived. They treated his injuries, gagging and the dry heaving while I watched, then released him back to me.
I walked him to the jail; he had another warrant for missing his court appearances on his last arrest. He’d been given community service and had not completed it. The correctional officer was the same guy as the last time. He also was not happy. He put Tulips in a holding cell and hosed him off, literally. I left feeling bad for the correctional officer. The French man reeked like no other that night. But he was aware enough for me to test the Tulips pronunciation warning.
I pronounced his name as Tulips, like the flowers, when I addressed him and he stopped and looked at me glaring, real rage in his eyes, shit-soaked hair hanging in his face. “Don’t ever refer to me by that name again”, he said. He was ready to fight. My curiosity was satisfied and I backed off immediately and apologized profusely, not wanting him to battle a shit soaked man.
A shit-covered man had a lot of liberties in my mind. He could say almost anything he wanted and I would agree with him. I did not want to have to touch him, much less fight him. I never saw him again after that.
I did hear Skidmark sign out on him one night.
Tulips was drunk in the park and Skidmark was hunting his stats again. He was describing the guy, being covered in shit and having a colostomy bag. I came over the radio and told Skidmark the guy’s name was Tulips. I said that he liked to be referred to as Mr. Tulips and if he did not want the remaining contents of the bag to get all over him, he would be wise to refer to him as Mr. Tulips. A few moments later Skidmark was screaming for back up. Tulips was fighting him. Skidmark is covered in shit now. I had to pull over I was laughing so hard.

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