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Thread: Ways NOT to start a report...
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08-10-06, 11:50 AM #1
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Ways NOT to start a report...
I know this was discussed somewhere before, but let's resurrect this. What are good ways NOT to start a report. Such as....
"This guy came runnin' up on me, so I pulled my Taser and gave the Gump a ride."
Lets hear some more.For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.
Winston Churchill
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08-10-06, 12:00 PM #2
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"Officer whatshisname was first on scene, refer to his report for details of the incident."
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08-10-06, 12:09 PM #3
How did I get here!
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"I was awaken by a loud noise"
When I used to be somebody (I'm center top)
"A burning desire for social justice is never a substitute for knowing what you're talking about". -Thomas Sowell-
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08-10-06, 12:12 PM #4
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08-10-06, 12:26 PM #5
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"It was a dark and stormy night.........."
Are you a 3%er? If you aren't, you should be.
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08-10-06, 12:26 PM #6
JUST ANOTHER TEQUILA SUNRISE
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My FTO ( long time ago) told me that his previous rookie was told to write up an assault report. His entire report was this:
"The dude went upside her muthafuckin head with a stick". My FTO swears it was true.
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08-10-06, 12:37 PM #7
Grasshopper
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Upon observing a woman with large breasts drive by me, I intiated a traffic stop...
True story.And Shepards we shall be,
for thee, My Lord, for thee,
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls will it ever be.
In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.
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08-10-06, 12:49 PM #8
How did I get here!
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One of the guys I worked with crashed a patrol car because he had his head up his ass. The last line of his report on the incident was, "I'm sorry and I'll never do that again".
The Sgt thought it was so funny he posted a copy of it on the one of the bulletin boards for a while!When I used to be somebody (I'm center top)
"A burning desire for social justice is never a substitute for knowing what you're talking about". -Thomas Sowell-
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08-10-06, 01:05 PM #9
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I use the following in a "report writing" class I teach:
TEN THINGS NOT TO WRITE IN A POLICE REPORT
1. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . .
2. The names in this report have been changed to protect the innocent.
3. The Mayor then made an illegal turn onto Smith St. at which point I opened fire . . .
4. Once upon a time . . .
5. It was a dark and stormy night . . .
6. You ain't gonna believe 'dis crap, but . . .
7. It was a full moon . . .
8. I never thought this could happen to me . . .
9. The suspect then repeatedly assaulted me by slamming his face into my fist.
10. Got call. Arrested bad guy. The End.
.The Swamp Mafia -"Heaven doesn't want us,and Hell's afraid we'll take over!!"
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08-10-06, 11:52 PM #10
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The nudity was crucial to gaining the turst of the Prostitute, but I'd like to point out that at no time was I without my badge or gun.
No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13
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08-10-06, 11:58 PM #11
Evil is my business.......
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"The listed victim advised he was robbed at the listed location at the listed time."
An actual robbery report I received from a 10 year officer. Of course I was the assholefor rejecting it and making him re write it.
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08-11-06, 06:07 AM #12
Corporal
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"There I was....."
An inmate actually wrote this as his beginning after being involved in a use of force:
"When I woke up in medical..."
Capt. D. Larimore
NTISF Gang Unit
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08-11-06, 06:37 AM #13
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DWI Arrest Report (true story)- "Saw drunk, arrested same."
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08-11-06, 06:46 AM #14
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One of your better reports huh!!!!!
Originally Posted by LawEnforcementForums
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08-11-06, 07:02 AM #15
THE five-oh
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The victim said "yeah, it hurt like hell".
Actually, I have a tendancy to ask victim's if it hurt, and if it did, how bad...
I also find ways to throw in the word "dinger"
"Man, that looks like it hurt, looks like a real dinger."
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08-11-06, 07:40 AM #16
Moving on up...to the east side!
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"This report concerns a meaningless stop that my douche-bag Sergeant insisted I write up"
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08-11-06, 09:43 AM #17
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While in investigations i had a shift Sgt. who wrote a sexual assault report and this was in the report.....
He then put his pennies inside her virginia.........
I swear to god!!!!!"An Unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." Jeff Cooper
Some people are meant to be the police......Some people are meant to call the police!!!
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(author unknown)
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08-11-06, 10:10 AM #18
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Another good one!!! Originally Posted by jmur5074
but how did you explain the fact that the investigation took two hours?
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08-11-06, 10:34 AM #19
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This one time, at band camp...
"Stupid should hurt."
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08-11-06, 10:44 AM #20
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It wasn't a cop's report, but I read a report written by a college security officer here who said that a woman attending school there had some guy "stocking" her. He used stock and stocking all through the report. Apparently he wasn't working his way through college.
When I used to be somebody (I'm center top)
"A burning desire for social justice is never a substitute for knowing what you're talking about". -Thomas Sowell-
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