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  1. #1
    keith720's Avatar
    keith720 is offline Finely Aged
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    Ways NOT to start a report...

    I know this was discussed somewhere before, but let's resurrect this. What are good ways NOT to start a report. Such as....

    "This guy came runnin' up on me, so I pulled my Taser and gave the Gump a ride."


    Lets hear some more.
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  2. #2
    nitestokker's Avatar
    nitestokker is offline Banned
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    "Officer whatshisname was first on scene, refer to his report for details of the incident."

  3. #3
    Retdetsgt's Avatar
    Retdetsgt is offline How did I get here!
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    "I was awaken by a loud noise"
    When I used to be somebody (I'm center top)

    "A burning desire for social justice is never a substitute for knowing what you're talking about". -Thomas Sowell-

  4. #4
    chris2001's Avatar
    chris2001 is offline Captain
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    "Dipshit tried to tell me that wasn't his dope"
    Being the best is not what always counts. What counts is always trying your best.

    Remember who you are, and where you came from. That way you never get a big head.


    May those that lost their lives in 9-11 RIP, for the things you did not many could do. You left so many behind so that you could save so few. For now we stand strong as one, and will not look back till the fight is done. (me)

    http://www.danasoft.com/sig/Nowwhat%...5Csuphomey.jpg

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS only.

  5. #5
    MonsterMash's Avatar
    MonsterMash is offline Proud 3%er
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    "It was a dark and stormy night.........."
    Are you a 3%er? If you aren't, you should be.

  6. #6
    snuffy2202's Avatar
    snuffy2202 is offline JUST ANOTHER TEQUILA SUNRISE
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    My FTO ( long time ago) told me that his previous rookie was told to write up an assault report. His entire report was this:

    "The dude went upside her muthafuckin head with a stick". My FTO swears it was true.

  7. #7
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    Upon observing a woman with large breasts drive by me, I intiated a traffic stop...

    True story.
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  8. #8
    Retdetsgt's Avatar
    Retdetsgt is offline How did I get here!
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    One of the guys I worked with crashed a patrol car because he had his head up his ass. The last line of his report on the incident was, "I'm sorry and I'll never do that again".

    The Sgt thought it was so funny he posted a copy of it on the one of the bulletin boards for a while!
    When I used to be somebody (I'm center top)

    "A burning desire for social justice is never a substitute for knowing what you're talking about". -Thomas Sowell-

  9. #9
    cajunguy's Avatar
    cajunguy is online now I LOVE my ParaOrd .45ACP!
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    I use the following in a "report writing" class I teach:

    TEN THINGS NOT TO WRITE IN A POLICE REPORT

    1. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . .

    2. The names in this report have been changed to protect the innocent.

    3. The Mayor then made an illegal turn onto Smith St. at which point I
    opened fire . . .

    4. Once upon a time . . .

    5. It was a dark and stormy night . . .

    6. You ain't gonna believe 'dis crap, but . . .

    7. It was a full moon . . .

    8. I never thought this could happen to me . . .

    9. The suspect then repeatedly assaulted me by slamming his face into
    my fist.

    10. Got call. Arrested bad guy. The End.

    .
    The Swamp Mafia -
    "Heaven doesn't want us,
    and Hell's afraid we'll take over!!"
    .

  10. #10
    jmur5074's Avatar
    jmur5074 is offline Moderator
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    The nudity was crucial to gaining the turst of the Prostitute, but I'd like to point out that at no time was I without my badge or gun.
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.

  11. #11
    lesta311's Avatar
    lesta311 is offline Evil is my business.......
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    "The listed victim advised he was robbed at the listed location at the listed time."

    An actual robbery report I received from a 10 year officer. Of course I was the assholefor rejecting it and making him re write it.

  12. #12
    dla4079's Avatar
    dla4079 is offline Corporal
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    "There I was....."

    An inmate actually wrote this as his beginning after being involved in a use of force:
    "When I woke up in medical..."

    Capt. D. Larimore
    NTISF Gang Unit

  13. #13
    Terminator's Avatar
    Terminator is offline BANNED
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    DWI Arrest Report (true story)- "Saw drunk, arrested same."

  14. #14
    Lazy Fed's Avatar
    Lazy Fed is offline Curmudgeon
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    Talking

    Quote Originally Posted by LawEnforcementForums
    DWI Arrest Report (true story)- "Saw drunk, arrested same."
    One of your better reports huh!!!!!

  15. #15
    cntryboy0531 is offline THE five-oh
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    The victim said "yeah, it hurt like hell".


    Actually, I have a tendancy to ask victim's if it hurt, and if it did, how bad...

    I also find ways to throw in the word "dinger"

    "Man, that looks like it hurt, looks like a real dinger."

  16. #16
    TwanimusPrime's Avatar
    TwanimusPrime is offline Moving on up...to the east side!
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    "This report concerns a meaningless stop that my douche-bag Sergeant insisted I write up"

  17. #17
    BigDawg's Avatar
    BigDawg is offline K-9 Officer
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    While in investigations i had a shift Sgt. who wrote a sexual assault report and this was in the report.....

    He then put his pennies inside her virginia.........


    I swear to god!!!!!
    "An Unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." Jeff Cooper


    Some people are meant to be the police......Some people are meant to call the police!!!

    "Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it."
    -Ronald Reagan


    " I believe that forgiving them (Terrorist) is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
    General Norman Schwartzkopf

    Not all Muslims are Terrorists, but all Terrorists are Muslim.
    (author unknown)


    The statements posted by BigDawg DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, or procedures of the author's employing agency. These statements are the personal opinions of BigDawg only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the user name of BigDawg. The opinions expressed by BigDawg are protected by the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. BigDawg’s messages are intended to invoke thought and discussion among the "Officer Resources" forum community and may not necessarily reflect the opinion of the author. BigDawg’s posts and any attachments are intended for an adult audience (18+) and may contain strong language, sexual content, nudity, violence, and may be graphic in nature. Some material may be considered offensive; reader discretion is advised. Please note that many of BigDawg’s posts are intended for entertainment value only. BigDawg’s posts are not intended to be used where prohibited by law. Furthermore, BigDawg's posts, and any attachments, may contain information covered by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, 18 U.S.C. 2510-2521, and is confidential and proprietary in nature. If you are not the intended recipient, please be advised that you are legally prohibited from retaining, using, copying, distributing, or otherwise disclosing this information in any manner.

  18. #18
    TXCharlie's Avatar
    TXCharlie is offline Former & Future Reserve Officer
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    Quote Originally Posted by jmur5074
    The nudity was crucial to gaining the turst of the Prostitute, but I'd like to point out that at no time was I without my badge or gun.
    Another good one!!!

    but how did you explain the fact that the investigation took two hours?

    (\__/)
    (='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny into your
    (")_(") signature to help him gain world domination.

  19. #19
    Hannibal's Avatar
    Hannibal is offline Zombie Killin' Sheepdog
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    This one time, at band camp...

    "Stupid should hurt."

  20. #20
    Retdetsgt's Avatar
    Retdetsgt is offline How did I get here!
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    It wasn't a cop's report, but I read a report written by a college security officer here who said that a woman attending school there had some guy "stocking" her. He used stock and stocking all through the report. Apparently he wasn't working his way through college.
    When I used to be somebody (I'm center top)

    "A burning desire for social justice is never a substitute for knowing what you're talking about". -Thomas Sowell-

 

 
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