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  1. #1
    nitestokker's Avatar
    nitestokker is offline Banned
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    Talking I'm Starting My Own Religion

    I was raised in a conservative Christian household and always took religion for granted. Never really thought about it until a few years ago. Then I started doing research and studying to find out just how I want to raise my kids. I've decided that all religions really suck and I'm going to start my own.

    1) Muslims can't eat pork or drink alcohol........I'm a cop! You'll turn me into a Muslim when you pry the beer and BLT from my cold, dead hands.
    2) Jews can't eat dairy and meat together. So much for pizza and cheeseburgers.
    3) Hindus can't eat cows.
    4) Bhuddists can't drink alcohol.
    5) Mormons can't freakin' do anything PLUS they have to give 1/10th of their wages to the church. Yeah, like I'm gonna give up 1/10th of my $5/hr to some jackass I don't even know.
    6) Athiests are just screwed all around because they don't believe anything.
    7) Agnostics are just confused and I figure they're just waiting to see who wins this war on terror and they'll join up with the winners.
    8) Scientologists are just plain psycho.

    I'm starting my own religion. I am going to be the leader and founder. It's going to be a very simple religion with only three commandments:
    1) You f*** with anyone else's s***, you're gonna get killed.
    2) If you win the lottery, your holy leader (Me) gets half.
    3) You can eat or drink whatever you want whenever you want as long as you're not late for work and you don't get fat. Otherwise, we have to ex-communicate you. We don't need a bunch of drunk fatties in our religion when we go to war with Islam. Those guys can run really fast.

  2. #2
    nitestokker's Avatar
    nitestokker is offline Banned
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    This is a work in progress and I'm getting ideas as we speak. Our Bible is going to be about ten pages long with lots of sports scores and pretty girls. Not a lot of boring text. I expect that my congregation is going to be hotties and cops and people like me and my wife. So therefore, we won't have churches. We will travel in buses and set up beer tents and BBQ grills to worship the almighty God of Good Times. Baptism will be at a NASCAR race or football game. Who's with me? I need donations!

  3. #3
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    Quote Originally Posted by nitestokker
    .
    7) Agnostics are just confused and I figure they're just waiting to see who wins this war on terror and they'll join up with the winners.
    Yup, that's me. Win the war on terror and we'll talk.

  4. #4
    Big Al's Avatar
    Big Al is offline There is no place like home....
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    Holy sh*t Stokker, did we grow up together??
    Last edited by Big Al; 08-10-06 at 04:49 PM.

  5. #5
    firedance is offline Rookie
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    I was always told that there are 2 things not to get involved with
    1. religion
    2. politics

    Because knowone will know enough about any .

    I choice to try and lead an honest life ......try!
    Yorkshire born and bred

  6. #6
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    Okay. So what is the churches stance on marriage? How about polygamy?
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  7. #7
    Big Al's Avatar
    Big Al is offline There is no place like home....
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    Nitestokker as a young boy

    http://i2.tinypic.com/24az5zd.jpg
    Last edited by Big Al; 08-10-06 at 05:23 PM.

  8. #8
    TXCharlie's Avatar
    TXCharlie is offline Former & Future Reserve Officer
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    I like all your commandments except 1, 2 & 3 - I took the liberty of correcting them

    1) You f*** with my s***, you're gonna get killed.
    2) If I win the lottery, my holy leader becomes my slave.
    3) I can eat or drink whatever I want whenever I want and never go to work.
    Last edited by TXCharlie; 08-10-06 at 04:55 PM.

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  9. #9
    nitestokker's Avatar
    nitestokker is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by conalabu
    Okay. So what is the churches stance on marriage? How about polygamy?
    Marriage: Do whatever she says or else you don't get any.

    Polygamy: Only if it's okay with the first wife, she rules the house and has to interview and test the other wives.

    Homosexuals: As long as they pitch in for beer and BBQ ribs, come on in!

    We don't dicriminate in Stokker Nation. Skin color, gender, race, whatever. As long as you obey Texas Chuck's revised version of the commandments, pull up a bar stool and let's get silly!

  10. #10
    Big Al's Avatar
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    Last edited by Big Al; 08-10-06 at 05:16 PM.

  11. #11
    dlocke1419's Avatar
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    Talking

    Were do I sign up.

  12. #12
    snuffy2202's Avatar
    snuffy2202 is offline JUST ANOTHER TEQUILA SUNRISE
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    Attachment 399

    Well, isn't that special?

  13. #13
    Ducky's Avatar
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    I can set you up a link on www.TempleOfTheDucky.com as a subset of the Ducky Cult, if you like. The rules are pretty similar.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  14. #14
    Terminator's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nitestokker
    Homosexuals: As long as they pitch in for beer and BBQ ribs, come on in!

    Sweet...you're in Tony!!!

  15. #15
    TXCharlie's Avatar
    TXCharlie is offline Former & Future Reserve Officer
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    I never knew about the Duck Cult before... Looks like more fun than I thought.




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  16. #16
    dlefdal's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=nitestokker]

    Homosexuals: As long as they pitch in for beer and BBQ ribs, come on in!

    QUOTE]


    I don't know LEF........................... Tony catches more than he pitches, don't cha' think?

    When you find yourself in a hole............QUIT DIGGING!!!!!!!!!

    OK guys time to come clean. I am not only a police officer but I am also a big time movie star. I am using my real photo as my avatar now. Please NO autographs!!!!

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such

  17. #17
    nitestokker's Avatar
    nitestokker is offline Banned
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    I think I need to take this one step further and make it a country. We will carve out our being in Montana and call it Stokker Nation. I will be prime minister and president and king. Texas Chuck can be minister of the fence. And so on..................

  18. #18
    Ducky's Avatar
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    Actually, I have the devil duckie version of that.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


 

 

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