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  1. #1
    Hannibal's Avatar
    Hannibal is offline Zombie Killin' Sheepdog
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    Talking Warning: Not PC. (Like I care.)

    Brokeback Mountain Gay Self-Test

    1. If you’re over thirty and you have a washboard for a stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and the Oprah diet.



    2. If you have a cat, youre a flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay. It grooms itself constantly, but never scratches itself. It has a delicate touch, except when it uses its nails against you. It wines to be fed, and just think about how you call a dog:

    "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Adolph!" Now think about how you call a cat...Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus Allmighty, you're fit to be framed you're so gay.



    3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured you suck people-puddy. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, chicken wings, pickled pigs feet or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko, and you’re undeniably a homo.



    4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom, or piss in a parking lot, without doubt you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.



    5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like the high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Non-Fat No-Whip Caramel Machiatto" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.



    6. If you know more than six names of colors, or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in Major League Baseball, the NFL, NHL, NBA and PGA. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what "fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of Textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.



    7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel all the time, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver, or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the music, eat a burger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.



    8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous c'est leGay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion).
    Last edited by Hannibal; 08-24-06 at 11:07 AM.

    "Stupid should hurt."

  2. #2
    Virginian's Avatar
    Virginian is offline Major
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    If you have a cat, youre a flaaaaming homo.
    Any of you guys single?

  3. #3
    Willowdared's Avatar
    Willowdared is offline Bendy not Breaky
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    argh!!!!

    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to 60259 again.
    Molly Weasley makes Chuck Norris eat his vegetables.

    Do not puff, shade, skew, tailor, firm up, stretch, massage,
    or otherwise distort statements of fact.
    FBI Special Agent Coleen Rowley

  4. #4
    bird1's Avatar
    bird1 is offline Corporal
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    thats some funny stuff
    " The hardest thing about disarming an armed suspect is not slipping on your own shit "

    Michael P. Gordon E.O.W 08 Aug 2004




    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such.

  5. #5
    deputy29 is offline Master Officer
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    OMG!!!! I just found out I'm gay! I'll have to tell the boyfriend tomorrow night, but I think he likes the fact I prefer males to females.

  6. #6
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Funny, the one thing it doesn't mention is if you're a guy and you have sex with men.. I guess you can be straight and do that.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  7. #7
    deputy29 is offline Master Officer
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    OK, I'll come clean I have two cats, two large dogs, a horse and am totally female as my guy can attest to.

  8. #8
    CountyFourteen's Avatar
    CountyFourteen is offline Sergeant
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    lol I just copied this "test" to an e-mail list.......and my wife wants to watch that movie this weekend........guess I'll be on the computer or out driving.....I don't do broke back! lol
    Any Post I make is my opinion only!
    I do not have the authority or the permission to post for my Sheriff's Office.



  9. #9
    Falcata is offline UK police officer
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    I was doing ok until #7
    'The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil,
    but because of those who look on and do nothing.'

  10. #10
    garda52's Avatar
    garda52 is offline Officer First Class
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    Add one more: If you have a dog smaller than a cat you're gay (or married).
    Remember: if their lips are moving ... they're lying

  11. #11
    BigDawg's Avatar
    BigDawg is offline K-9 Officer
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    wooooo hooooo I passed!!

    and I mean by NOT being gay. So you guys move on to someone else.
    "An Unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." Jeff Cooper


    Some people are meant to be the police......Some people are meant to call the police!!!

    "Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it."
    -Ronald Reagan


    " I believe that forgiving them (Terrorist) is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
    General Norman Schwartzkopf

    Not all Muslims are Terrorists, but all Terrorists are Muslim.
    (author unknown)


    The statements posted by BigDawg DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, or procedures of the author's employing agency. These statements are the personal opinions of BigDawg only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the user name of BigDawg. The opinions expressed by BigDawg are protected by the 1st Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. BigDawg’s messages are intended to invoke thought and discussion among the "Officer Resources" forum community and may not necessarily reflect the opinion of the author. BigDawg’s posts and any attachments are intended for an adult audience (18+) and may contain strong language, sexual content, nudity, violence, and may be graphic in nature. Some material may be considered offensive; reader discretion is advised. Please note that many of BigDawg’s posts are intended for entertainment value only. BigDawg’s posts are not intended to be used where prohibited by law. Furthermore, BigDawg's posts, and any attachments, may contain information covered by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, 18 U.S.C. 2510-2521, and is confidential and proprietary in nature. If you are not the intended recipient, please be advised that you are legally prohibited from retaining, using, copying, distributing, or otherwise disclosing this information in any manner.

  12. #12
    Lo523's Avatar
    Lo523 is offline Master Officer
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    Very funny! Thanks for that one . Rep on the way.
    Never approach a bull by the front, a horse from behind, or an idiot from any direction.

  13. #13
    Terminator's Avatar
    Terminator is offline BANNED
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    I'm a no go on #3 and #6. Uh oh.

  14. #14
    dlefdal's Avatar
    dlefdal is offline LEF'S unofficial mascot
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    DAMN IT!

    I need to be alone for a while

    (no smiley)
    When you find yourself in a hole............QUIT DIGGING!!!!!!!!!

    OK guys time to come clean. I am not only a police officer but I am also a big time movie star. I am using my real photo as my avatar now. Please NO autographs!!!!

    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such

  15. #15
    Sgt Rock's Avatar
    Sgt Rock is offline Banned
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    Only two things come from Texas. Steers and queers. And you're not much lookin' like a steer to me!

 

 

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