Days of Facebook

I admit that I use Facebook. Mainly to keep up with long distance friends and share pictures with family. OK, OK, I use it to entertain myself by watching what some people will purposely share out on the wide open interwebs. I have one particular friend from high school that could make real money being a professional heckler. I bring to you some of his posts on Facebook:

It's day 13, and I am thankful for people who use Facebook to let know when you are in a relationship, then single, then back in one, then married! I salute you!

It's Day 14, and I am thankful for you political Facebook heroes that have nothing better to do than take a completely slanted article in effort to prove to me the other side is a moron. Not once have you swayed me, in fact, you make me not want to get involved. However, I salute you!

With the feedback he started getting he stepped it up a bit:

It's Day 15, and today I am thankful for you, Mr. And Mrs. Negative Facebook User! Your daily updates on your headaches, stomach bugs, airing of your dirty laundry, and how you hate our government, make me appreciate how good my life is! On those days when I feel like feeling sorry for myself, I just go to your page, break out my tiny violin, and read how you wish the pain would go away, cause you will have told us all about it! Today, I salute you!

It's day 16, and today, I'm thankful for you, Mr. Middle-aged Ironman! As we lie in bed at 6am on a Saturday listening to both babies call our names like an alarm clock, you are on the last leg of your 15 mile morning bike ride. Your weekly updates and pictures of you in your sponsored wetsuits giving me your times of your latest marathon inspire me for your courage to be photographed in such a ridiculous outfit. I'm thankful that after buying your $2,000 bicycle, you also bought every other accessory in the store too. Because not only is your helmet pointing backwards at all the cool places you've been, your size extra medium slicksuit with the built-in crotch pillow and backpack water bottle should keep you safe until the ambulance gets to you because my door accidentally swung open and knocked you in a ditch while I'm on my way to WORK! Sure, maybe you should realize we don't want you on our major highways, but as your peacock flavored jumpsuit will prove, you could care less what society thinks! And for this, I salute you!

I can't thank you enough for posting that today. He is hilarious!!

Well, it's Day 17, and today I'm thankful for you, Mr. Facebook Check-in Guy! At some point, you decided that me and the rest of us need to know the minute you leave your house, at a ballgame, or walking into Starbucks. While I appreciate you 'checking in' as you get to Starbucks on your daily commute, you should purchase you venti mocha sprinkled cappachino, throw it in your face, and keep moving. But don't forget to 'check in' on your way out so I know where you are. If there was a need for me to know your daily routine, nevermind, there simply will never be that need! If you are atop the Eiffel Tower or canoeing down the Nile river, hey, there's a good 'check in' spot! But, if one more person sends out a public notice that they are 'home', I'm sending a Facebook hit-squad over to 'check you out!' I only have to get 500 more people to post this message for an hour as their status before Facebook gives me that service! Just remember, while I'm thankful that you are so thoughtful to include me in your life, those type of details are as useless as an H & R Block in Del Rio, Texas! As always, if your phone doesn't ring, it's me! But, I still salute you!

Good stuff!!!

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Originally Posted by Five-0

As always, if your phone doesn't ring, it's me!

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Yeah, that's going to get some mileage on some drunks.;)

:rofl:

@ people wearing their e-heart on their sleeve.

I too am tired of the up-to-the-minute-status-update


I delete them or give them a healthy dose of harsh reality before they un-friend me.

It's Day 18, and today, Im thankful for Controlled Bullying! Of course, I'm not talking about the bad kind, but the needed kind that makes the world a better place. Let's face it, the world is filled with stupid people and good people doing stupid things and sometimes people need to be made aware of it. Whether you call it being a jerk, showing tough love, or my preference, strategic bullying! Such as if I were to ask my wife if this shirt makes me look fat, "No, it's not the shirt, you're just fat," should be her answer. Or the guy that is smoking at the gas station while pumping. The right thing to do should be an open hand slap to either the right or left side of the face or a slight squirt of gas as you put your nozzle back up right under where he's ashing. That should fix the problem. I also carry a retractable full length mirror I pull out of my pocket to stand in front of those very large woman that wear those stretch pants. I simply sneak up behind them, whip out the mirror, set it down, and walk away. They keep the mirror as a reminder of a valuable life lesson and I walk away with a smile knowing I just made the world a better place. And finally, the 'Occupy Movement' up in NY and around the country. Controlled Bullying would solve that problem as well. Street sweepers, some tear gas, and me shouting insults from a second story window would send them home after an hour. It would be an hour because after that, I would have to go back to WORK! With my tactics, my kids will never believe the way to make change and influence people is to camp out in a pup tent outside their home or office chanting and banging a drum. I know someone in the 99% that thinks 100% of those people should start sending out resumes and go take a shower! Hey, these are just my opinions, but I can 100% confirm that 65% of the time, they work EVERY time! And with that, controlled bullying of the stupid people, I salute you!

I've ignored some people on mine, who or why I won't mention here, due to various reasons.

It's Day 19, and I'm thankful for Rainbows and Unicorns. Rainbows make me smile and feel warm inside and Unicorns, well, who doesn't like Unicorns? As long as they're cooked right! Today, I salute you both!

It's Day 20, and today I'm thankful for you, Mr. 2011 Mullet Man! This has been on-going battle since the beginning of time in the 1970's when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Business in front and party in the rear has been their mantra since the original mullet clans broke up from the pressure of normal society back in the late 60's. A rare breed, you never see a family of mullets just like the Indians or the Eskimos. Where have they all gone? But you will still come up on a Lorenzo Lamas renegade every now and then, maybe on their way to a NASCAR race or sitting on their front porch in a modified toilet bowl lawn chair. It's like sighting a Sasquatch in the woods, when he whips that Billy Ray Cyrus profile around with his sword-like mane of glory dancing like a dragon's tail, you know he means business! I'm inspired by the sheer nerve of a John Cougar soldier that in 2011 by-passes every mirror in the house on his way out to change the world, one tire at a time. I know this message won't be read by any Mullet keepers of fortune because they surely don't own computers, so someone, if you know of where a Mullet lives, please pass on my thanks and gratitude. I salute you, Mr. 2011 Mullet Man!

Day 21, and today, I'm thankful for you, 'Facebook Fighters.' Because what's more depressing than a rocky marriage and a huge fight over how little effort the other is giving, is having that screaming fight outside in the yard for all your neighbors to see. And what's worse than a junk yard dog fight, doing it over public Facebook for the whole world to see! It's not enough that you fix the issue, you prefer facebook bleachers full of friends, family, and strangers to watch and be able to give their unsolicited opinions such as the great, "leave him!" Or "think about the children. Y'all need to hush!" And of course, don't forget the age-old classic, "I told you that girl was crazy!" Sure, privacy is so 2007 and I appreciate your free spirit, but common sense would tell me to take it inside and duke it out like normal married folk. Forgetting about the 14-80 year olds that are witnessing your vulgar obscenities from the Facebook mountain top, your complete ignorance is the fact that the kids are the big losers here. However, i leave you some encouraging words spoken by the great Ron Burgandy, 'You stay classy!' So Facebook fighters, I salute you!

I started using facebook for a while then lost interest. Me and one other warrant officer set up bogus names/ accounts to try to dupe people we're looking for to hook up with us. You'd be surprised how many ppl we've nailed that we have outstanding arrest warrants on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by warrants 1

I started using facebook for a while then lost interest. Me and one other warrant officer set up bogus names/ accounts to try to dupe people we're looking for to hook up with us. You'd be surprised how many ppl we've nailed that we have outstanding arrest warrants on.

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That's what "friends" are for! :thumb: :D

yeah, I know..right?

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Originally Posted by warrants 1

yeah, I know..right?

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A friend in need (of a warrant service) is a friend indeed! :D ;)

Day 22, today I'm thankful for you people that are Drunk off of this Zumba craze!! 'hey, join us for Zumba this afternoon and make sure you wear all your gear!!!' (with an excited and spaced out look on their face).... 'you have got to try Zumba, yeah!!!' Listen folks, I know you want this to be some brand new invention that will simply shake your calories down to the floor, but I'm having a hard time figuring this out. It's called dancing! Whooaahh!! Hate to blow the lid off this mystery but go buy a 12 pack and we can dance at my house. Or grab your husband and go out to a club. The firehazard Richard Simmons started this phenomenon in the beginning of time. And since the 1970's, Billy Blanks, p90x, and Sinead O'conner's sister, Susan Powder, just to name a few, have blown your dress up with this motivational dream. Your passion that drives you to go by the outfits to look like the people in the videos make me want to dig my bedazzled tanktop out of my drawer and start sweating to the oldies. You spend hundreds of dollars on videos, the gear, and Zumba conferences when you just have to go outside and do something. You want the motivation the group gives you??...just call me and I'll tell you you're fat! But whatever it takes to float your boat, judging by those dance moves and those pants, you feel the same way! So Zumba Queens, I salute you!

This thread inspired a new FB post from me. I hope you guys enjoy it. LOL

Day 23 folks, and today, I'm thankful for fast food drive thru workers. If I were Charlie Brown, I would have no problem understanding your rabble rabble, chicken tenders combo, rabble! We can make a computer paper thin and skype 6000 miles away but we can't make an intercom understandable for 50 ft? 'ygfddhjiddbjitrrvhufsdvgyfftg vy, is yfdyv order uh err screen correcwsfgh, sir?' I guess so, I only ordered coffee! Show me a drive thru with a tin can tied to a string and I'll be just as confident in ordering. Or here's a tip, let me get my order out before you interrupt me and I'll tell you exactly what I want. This is hardly my first time ordering breakfast! Did I ask for jelly? Did I finish my order with, 'oh I forgot, can I also have a hot delicious apple pie?!' Did I say large or medium? Just give me what I ask for and let me go! If I wanted this many questions, I would have came inside and filled out a questionnaire. I already have to deal with the morons who don't understand how a queue works in a line. Of course, redneck with a camoflaouge cowboy hat on, we 6 cars in line waiting on the next available lane to open up so the next person can pull up wants nothing more than you to think WE are the idiots because there's no one in that right lane!!! I hope your cheeseburger brings you a nice case of IBS! You put up with a lot of grief, and I'm so thankful for it even though most of it could be avoided with proper equipment and training, but drive thru workers, I salute you!

Well now for the exciting conclusion.........





Nope, I can't post it. Pretty sure my friend from high school has a public profile. Prepare yourself and follow him here:

Daniel Clem | Facebook

I can tell you now that I don't have the words.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Five-0

Well now for the exciting conclusion.........





Nope, I can't post it. Pretty sure my friend from high school has a public profile. Prepare yourself and follow him here:

Daniel Clem | Facebook

I can tell you now that I don't have the words.

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I don't see a new one yet. :(

Here is the link to the post:
http://www.facebook.com/permalink.ph..._t=share_reply