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    Naked clowns and nerd sex

    Today is the third installment of my extremely journalistic feature, the Sex Column Answer Man. Never mind that its acronym is "SCAM." The important thing is, I find sex topics college students really want to know about - the questions they're too nervous to ask - and completely ignore them.

    Question: Which do women find more attractive, jocks or nerds?

    Answer: Nerds, according to a recent scientific study conducted by nerds. Researchers had female subjects watch videotapes of men reading news articles and explaining what the ramifications of life on Mars would be. The story didn't mention how women reacted to use of the word "Chewbacca."

    Q: Surely the women preferred jocks for one-night stands.

    A: Nope. Nerds won this category too, though the study pointed out that physical appearance is more important than intelligence.

    Q: Wait, doesn't that undermine the pro-nerd results?

    A: Don't ruin this for me.

    Q: So nerds wind up with the best women?

    A: Sometimes just the best robots. According to British tabloid The Sun, 33-year-old Canadian inventor Le Trung designed Aiko, a female robot who does household chores, knows Le's favorite drink and speaks English and Japanese.

    Q: Why would he do that?

    A: He spent two years building Aiko because, as The Sun put it, "he never had time to find a real partner."

    Q: What's life with the robot like?

    A: Le spent so much money on the robot he's had to sell his car, take out credit card loans and spent his life savings. So she's exactly like a real girlfriend.

    Q: Should couples wait until marriage until they... you know...

    A: Until they kiss? Melody LaLuz and Claudaniel Fabien, both Chicago-based abstinence educators and devout Christians, never locked lips before their wedding November 29, according to the Chicago Tribune. They also claim to be virgins, though the Tribune did not verify this.

    Q: They didn't even kiss?

    A: They were willing to peck on the cheek, but no lips-to-lips. Their wedding Web site includes photos from when Fabien proposed, in which - in a moment of passion reminiscent of the dirtiest pornography - he madly kisses LaLuz on the cheek.

    Q: Wedding Web site?

    A: The first page of the site is an introduction. To go to the home page I had to click a link which - and if you read a double entendre into this, you have a dirty mind - invited me to "enter."

    Q: Okay, so let me get this straight. You read about two earnest religious people who actually practice what they preach, and you decided to make fun of them with childish puns?

    A: The Web site also points out that LaLuz is allergic to "nuts."

    Q: What should I do about a problem with my male parts? What happens is, whenever I -

    A: Watch ESPN.

    Q: But I didn't tell you what the problem is!

    A: It doesn't matter. All of their advertisements are for pills for your personal region. Go ahead, turn on ESPN right now.

    Q: Wow, it's a commercial for a product that takes care of my exact condition!

    A: It is based on a secret scientific formula you can find only through that ad and every e-mail you have ever received.

    Q: Does your sex life get better after you retire?

    A: Not according to a new study by AARP, which said that despite feeling closer than ever before, couples beyond the age of retirement have less sex than they used to.

    Q: How can they get things going again in bed?

    A: An article about the study on msnbc.com has advice from sex expert Sallie Foley. Retired couples, according to Foley, need just begin cuddling, even if they're not particularly in the mood. "Blammo! It will work," she said.

    Q: What will work?

    A: If she spends a lot of time yelling "Blammo!" at old people, she probably means a defibrillator.

    Q: What's the best erotic gift for Christmas?

    A: That would be the Naked Clown Calendar 2009. It features 12 full-color photographs of male and female graduates of the Clown Conservatory's 2008 class.

    Q: Naked clowns?

    A: Well, not fully naked. In the January picture, their clown bits are covered by balloon animals; in November, they're covered by pie tins; in June, they are covered by droopy accordions for some reason; and so on.

    Q: But is it sexy?

    A: It is the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.

    Q: Why would they do this?

    A: They are raising money for Multiple Sclerosis research. You can buy a calendar for $20 at nakedclowncalendar.com, a Web site name that surprisingly had not already been registered by someone else.

    Q: Is there any truth to rumors of a baby boom from all the people who hit the sheets when Obama was elected?

    A: Most respectable sources think this theory is hogwash, but there might be something to it, what with the sexual nature of the individuals involved.

    Q: What do you mean?

    A: Anyone who gets that excited about politics is a nerd.

  2. #2
    SPD's Avatar
    SPD
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    Holy crap that was funny.

 

 

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