UCLA Professor turns last week of spring semester into a drinking game

**Terminator** · 05-03-06, 04:39 PM

UCLA adjunct professor Tim Boswell has decided to turn this last week of the spring semester into one prolonged drinking game in order to tolerate the abysmal writing on his freshman composition exams.

Boswell’s decision comes after three consecutive days of headaches, sexual frustration, and eating Chinese take-out.

“Every time I read a misspelled word, I chug a beer,” Boswell vented. “For every kid who can’t write a thesis statement, I take a shot of Jack [Daniels]. I figure I’ll either go blind or die before this hell is over.”

Boswell’s poor student performance is punctuated by the difficulties in his personal life, which have swelled in recent months.

“I haven’t had sex since November, and the transmission on my ’89 Corolla is almost shot,” slurred a far-from-sober Boswell. “I should have taken that library job and given up on trying to teach these fucktards about topic sentences.”

The unusual coping technique, said Boswell, also led to a new method of grading.

"I take the paper and toss it toward my beer stein," he said. "'A' papers land and stay balanced on the glass, 'B' papers have to touch the stein in some way, and everyone else is a 'C.' Works like a fucking charm, at least until these bastards start calling and bitching about their grades. By then I hope to be in Martha's Vineyard."