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  1. #1
    Willowdared's Avatar
    Willowdared is offline Bendy not Breaky
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    Post Downsizing Christmas

    The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

    Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

    The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

    I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

    As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:


    The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

    The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

    The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

    The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

    The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

    The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

    The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

    As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

    Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

    Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

    Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

    We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

    Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

    Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
    Molly Weasley makes Chuck Norris eat his vegetables.

    Do not puff, shade, skew, tailor, firm up, stretch, massage,
    or otherwise distort statements of fact.
    FBI Special Agent Coleen Rowley

  2. #2
    Piggybank Cop's Avatar
    Piggybank Cop is offline Nobody important.
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    Think I'll just go to church.

    We are the thin blue line
    between you
    and all the money in the world.

    And no you can't have any.

  3. #3
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    December 26

    Dearest Bill:
    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

    With deepest Love and Devotion,

    Sara
    ----------------------------------
    two turtle doves

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    December 27

    Dearest Bill:
    Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them.

    With deepest Love,

    Sara
    --------------------------------
    three french hens

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    December 28

    Dearest Bill:
    Oh! Your third gift arrived! You really went too far, I think. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind.

    Love,
    Sara
    ---------------------------
    Four calling birds

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    December 29
    Dearest Bill:
    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more....so please, no more birds!! But, thanks.

    Affectionately,
    Sara
    ------------------
    five golden rings

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    December 30

    Dearest Bill:
    What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful...and so quiet!!

    All my love,
    Sara
    --------------------
    six geese a-laying

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    December 31

    Dear Bill:
    When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poop that they were laying..complete with a large count of coloform bacteria. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. The police came by with a formal complaint, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for the new years eve celebration tonight.

    Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!!

    Cordially,
    Sara
    -------------------------
    seven swans a-swimming

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    January 1
    Bill:

    Happy New Year...to some people. It hasn't been so happy with me. What's with you and those dumb birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There's bird guana all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. You have gone too far, bird brain. STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS!! GOT IT?

    Sincerely,
    Sara
    -------------------------------
    eight maids a-milking

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    January 2

    OK, WISE GUY:
    I think I prefer the birds over this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a yard full of cow patties? Their piles are all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE OF YOUR "GIFTS".

    Sara
    ---------------------------
    nine ladies dancing

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    January 3

    Hey, Vacuum-for-a-brain:
    What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. You'll get yours, buddy.
    Sara
    -------------------------
    ten lords a-leaping

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    January 4

    You rotten piece of cow patty:
    What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows. At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows are mooing all night having gotten diarrhea. My living room is a sewer! The City Commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned.

    I'm filing a complaint to the police about you!

    One who means it.
    ---------------------------
    eleven pipers piping

    Miss Sara Truelove
    Somewhere, USA

    January 5

    Listen, brainless:
    Now there's eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing those maids or dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? There is a petition going around to evict me from the neigborhood.

    I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy,
    Sara
    -----------------------
    twelve drummers drumming

    Law Offices
    Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
    1313 Grunge St
    Somewhere, USA

    January 6

    Dear Sir:
    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove. The damage, of course, was total. She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove at Happy Glen Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    Cordially,
    Law Firm of
    Sue, Pillage, and Plunder



    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  4. #4
    JohnnyRotten's Avatar
    JohnnyRotten is offline Rentacop trainer
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    So, does this mean the wedding has to be postponed?
    "My motivation is slipping, people bug me, and I'm tired of wasting my time on drivel."

    - Rep. Otis Pike (D - NY)

 

 

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