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  1. #1
    phoenixrose's Avatar
    phoenixrose is offline Firebrand
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    Letters to Santa

    A friend emailed this to me, and I laughed over several of these. Thought you all might get a kcik out of them as well. Enjoy.

    If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....
    ****************************** ***********************
    Deer Santa,
    I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud
    boy all yeer.
    Yer Friend, Billy


    Dear Billy,
    Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare.
    How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and
    spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At
    least HE can spell. Santa

    ****************************** ***********************
    Dear Santa,
    I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
    for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
    Love, Sarah

    Dear Sarah,
    Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

    Santa

    ********************* ****************************** *
    Dear Santa,
    I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
    like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
    see what you can do. Love, Teddy

    Dear Teddy,
    Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
    in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to
    come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?
    It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some
    Legos instead.

    Santa

    ****************************** **********************
    Dear Santa,
    I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes
    , a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
    Love, Francis

    Dear Francis,
    Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.
    I'll set you up with a Barbie

    Santa

    ******** ****************************** **************
    Dear Santa,
    I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
    carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
    Love, Susan

    Dear Susan,
    Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in
    my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a
    favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

    Santa

    ****************************** *********************
    Dear Santa,
    What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
    making toys?
    Your friend, Thomas

    Dear Thomas,
    All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas
    where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno
    films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the
    asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the
    craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

    Santa

    ****************************** **********************
    Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
    we're awake,
    like in the song?
    Love, Jessica

    Dear Jessica,
    Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
    I'm skipping your house.

    Santa

    ****************************** **********************
    Dear Santa,
    I really want a pu ppy this year. Please, please, please,
    PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
    Love, Timmy

    Dear Timmy,
    That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that
    crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

    Santa

    ****************************** **********************
    Dearest Santa,
    We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into
    our home? Love, Marky

    Dear Mark,
    First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
    getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live
    in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third
    , I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does,
    through your bedroom window.

    Sweet dreams,
    Santa
    phoenixrose
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If the sex scene doesn't make you want to do it - whatever it is they're doing - it hasn't been written right.~~~Sloan Wilson
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "WHAT canary?"

  2. #2
    Bosco3379's Avatar
    Bosco3379 is offline I'm the one in the middle
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    Former member of the LNC

    Will take verbal abuse for spare change

    Some Of My Wicked Awesome Signature Banners

  3. #3
    General Patten's Avatar
    General Patten is offline Surgeon General
    Join Date
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    USA
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    SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING:
    Lead is very hazardous to your health.
    Always include Kevlar in your daily diet.


    "I always believe in being prepared, even when I'm dressed in white tie and tails."
    - Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.

  4. #4
    BEB
    BEB is offline Banned
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    Naughty, but nice!

 

 

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