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  1. #1
    Resident Smart Ass's Avatar
    Resident Smart Ass is offline I ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE
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    Barbie's and Ken's Letter to Santa

    Barbie's letter to Santa

    Dear Santa,

    Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
    suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
    time!!

    There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
    these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

    3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
    anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

    6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

    8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
    Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

    Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

    Yours truly,
    Barbie





    Ken's letter to Santa

    Dear Santa,

    I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

    In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning
    Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

    First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my
    decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

    I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered :"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In
    addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

    These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can"push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the curb.

    Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations-we've talked about this issue before.

    In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and
    others.

    PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe-he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

    Sincerely,
    Ken
    Don't you just hate it when someone's balls are hidden so well, they can't seem to find it themselves ~ RSA

    You can't avoid gossip & rude words from
    people. You can't please everybody. But remember, they wouldn't bother if you meant nothing.


    FOLLOW RSA ON TWITTER (IF YOU'RE GOING TO FOLLOW ME, PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE ON HERE WITH YOUR O/R USERNAME AND TWEET USERNAME SO I'LL KNOW WHO I'M ACCEPTING OTHERWISE YOU WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED!)
    https://twitter.com/RESIDENTSMARTAS



    A PINT OF SWEAT SAVES A GALLON OF BLOOD ~ PATTON



  2. #2
    Star Man's Avatar
    Star Man is offline Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians
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    ...........................................

  3. #3
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    thats just wrong on so many levels...........but still funny

  4. #4
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    WTG Ken. You get to be Joe's bitch.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


  5. #5
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    Bwhahahah, thats funny.
    Thereís a promise I need you to make
    While Iím gone you take care of the love
    And Iíll deal with the hate.

    Donít worry about me; Iíll be all right
    Just care for your children and sleep tight
    Iíll keep you safe on my watch tonight
    ~
    On My Watch Tonight - Mike Corrado

 

 

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