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  1. #1
    Resident Smart Ass's Avatar
    Resident Smart Ass is offline I ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE
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    How To Poop At Work

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
    to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those Who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
    > >
    CROP DUSTING:
    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
    > >
    FLY BY:
    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
    and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

    >ESCAPEE:
    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
    wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
    Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
    the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
    > >
    JAILBREAK:
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH:
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water .
    This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME:
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
    Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone Walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
    > >

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
    > >

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
    > >

    SAFE HAVENS:
    A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the Opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
    > >

    TURD BURGLAR:
    This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
    tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
    > >


    CAMO-COUGH:
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
    > >

    ASTAIRE:
    An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
    Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
    That the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper Can poop in peace.
    > >

    WATERMELON:
    A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    > >
    HAVANA OMELET:
    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
    Toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
    > >

    UNCLE TODD:
    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or Sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
    > >


    HOPE THE SURVIVAL GUIDE HELPS, AS THE WORKPOOP IS AN INEVITABLE PART OF LIFE.
    Don't you just hate it when someone's balls are hidden so well, they can't seem to find it themselves ~ RSA

    You can't avoid gossip & rude words from
    people. You can't please everybody. But remember, they wouldn't bother if you meant nothing.


    FOLLOW RSA ON TWITTER (IF YOU'RE GOING TO FOLLOW ME, PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE ON HERE WITH YOUR O/R USERNAME AND TWEET USERNAME SO I'LL KNOW WHO I'M ACCEPTING OTHERWISE YOU WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED!)
    https://twitter.com/RESIDENTSMARTAS



    A PINT OF SWEAT SAVES A GALLON OF BLOOD ~ PATTON



  2. #2
    BabyGirl is offline Rookie
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    OMG too funny, this list should be hanging on the walls of every public bathroom!!!!! LOL!!!!

  3. #3
    JLK's Avatar
    JLK
    JLK is offline Protecting Those That Can't Protect Themselves
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    printing it now


    "A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."
    Ben

    The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
    on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
    expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
    brought my rifle."
    (just stole this one hope you don't mind)


    The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they are ignorant,
    it is just that they know so much that isn't so.
    President Ronald Reagan



  4. #4
    JohnnyReb's Avatar
    JohnnyReb is offline Officer First Class
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    Saddly I have done all of those...
    Don't ask if you don't want a honest answer!!!

  5. #5
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is online now Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
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    I've been doing an Astaire all these years and never knew it!
    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  6. #6
    rob84's Avatar
    rob84 is offline Did you press the power button?
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    So have I, the camo cough is my expertice!

    www.twitter.com/RobKimble1984
    www.facebook.com/robkimble

  7. #7
    Vendetta's Avatar
    Vendetta is offline Today, We are All Hokies
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    Is it just me or do Hospitals have the best and cleanest bathrooms not too mentions the loneliest on mid night shifts
    "And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway", Buford T. Justice

    #1 Rule in Police: Sometimes its easier to ask Forgiveness than it is to ask Permission

    No one knows what it's like
    To be the bad man
    To be the sad man
    Behind blue eyes

  8. #8
    Motorwaycop's Avatar
    Motorwaycop is offline Retired Plod
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    Always check the paperwork.

    Damned messy if, for the one time in your life you want paperwork, there is none.
    the sole advantage of power is that you can do more good.
    ( Baltasar Gracian )

  9. #9
    10-42Adam's Avatar
    10-42Adam is offline Major
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    I'm a big fan of the Camo-cough. Great stuff!!!
    Calm Like A Bomb...

    A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
    -Winston Churchill

  10. #10
    Gatekeeper's Avatar
    Gatekeeper is offline Enjoy your stay
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    I have a stomach ache from laughing! Excellent!

    And guilty as charged of the Crop Duster.

  11. #11
    Star Man's Avatar
    Star Man is offline Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians
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    Quote Originally Posted by Motorwaycop View Post
    Always check the paperwork.

    Damned messy if, for the one time in your life you want paperwork, there is none.

    HAHAHAAAA
    ...........................................

 

 

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