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Thread: How To Poop At Work
02-17-07, 12:25 AM #1
How To Poop At Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those Who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water .
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone Walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the Opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
That the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper Can poop in peace.
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
Toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or Sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
HOPE THE SURVIVAL GUIDE HELPS, AS THE WORKPOOP IS AN INEVITABLE PART OF LIFE.Don't you just hate it when someone's balls are hidden so well, they can't seem to find it themselves ~ RSA
You can't avoid gossip & rude words from
people. You can't please everybody. But remember, they wouldn't bother if you meant nothing.
FOLLOW RSA ON TWITTER (IF YOU'RE GOING TO FOLLOW ME, PLEASE SEND ME A MESSAGE ON HERE WITH YOUR O/R USERNAME AND TWEET USERNAME SO I'LL KNOW WHO I'M ACCEPTING OTHERWISE YOU WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED!)
A PINT OF SWEAT SAVES A GALLON OF BLOOD ~ PATTON
02-17-07, 12:45 AM #2Rookie
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OMG too funny, this list should be hanging on the walls of every public bathroom!!!!! LOL!!!!
02-17-07, 01:04 AM #3
printing it now
"A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."
The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
brought my rifle."
(just stole this one hope you don't mind)
02-17-07, 01:08 AM #4
Saddly I have done all of those...Don't ask if you don't want a honest answer!!!
02-17-07, 08:15 AM #5
I've been doing an Astaire all these years and never knew it!Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me
We are who we choose to be.
R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012
02-17-07, 08:16 AM #6
So have I, the camo cough is my expertice!
02-17-07, 01:43 PM #7
Is it just me or do Hospitals have the best and cleanest bathrooms not too mentions the loneliest on mid night shifts"And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway", Buford T. Justice
#1 Rule in Police: Sometimes its easier to ask Forgiveness than it is to ask Permission
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
02-17-07, 03:41 PM #8
Always check the paperwork.
Damned messy if, for the one time in your life you want paperwork, there is none.the sole advantage of power is that you can do more good.
( Baltasar Gracian )
02-18-07, 11:08 PM #9
I'm a big fan of the Camo-cough. Great stuff!!!Calm Like A Bomb...
“A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. An optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.”
02-18-07, 11:24 PM #10
I have a stomach ache from laughing! Excellent!
And guilty as charged of the Crop Duster.
02-19-07, 01:53 AM #11
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