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  1. #1
    RPDP44's Avatar
    RPDP44 is offline uh huh..suuure
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    Warning for women

    Wax is NOT your friend!

    CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed
    till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
    promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors,
    razors,
    Nair
    And now...the wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight.
    Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
    I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
    the
    next few hours:
    "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
    So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

    It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of
    hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get
    warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
    wherever
    else)
    and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can
    it
    be? I mean,
    I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to
    figure
    this out.
    (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
    other
    stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks
    in
    so I get
    out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
    yeah...right!)
    I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
    and
    pull.
    It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
    bad.
    I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
    I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
    smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
    I
    sneak
    back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
    championship.

    I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
    Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
    side of my
    bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
    stretching
    down to the
    inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
    deeply
    and
    brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
    half
    the strip. CRAP!!!
    Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
    spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I
    hear
    crashing drums???

    Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
    caused me
    so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel
    in
    the
    glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
    There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
    I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.
    I am touching wax.

    CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
    which is
    now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
    Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
    propped
    up
    on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot
    down.

    DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
    *Hoo-Hoo*?? sealed shut!
    Butt?? Sealed shut!
    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
    to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to
    poop.

    My head may pop off!"
    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

    I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
    immerse the wax-covered
    bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
    right???
    WRONG!!!!!!!

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
    torture
    prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
    Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
    together
    is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
    tub...in
    scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
    cement-epoxied
    myself to the porcelain!!

    God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
    phone
    put in the bathroom!!!!!
    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
    some
    secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
    starter -
    "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of
    the tub!"
    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
    removal
    but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
    exactly
    where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

    She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
    rundown
    and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
    YEAH!!!!! Right!!
    I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the
    wax
    off
    with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
    goodies
    covered in
    hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
    dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
    and
    I'm
    pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
    for
    this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
    grace....
    the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
    What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH
    MY
    GOD!!!!!!!
    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of
    my
    friend.
    It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!

    I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
    my
    grief and despair....
    THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

    So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
    Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
    Light moves faster than sound. That's why some people look intelligent..until they speak.

  2. #2
    lewisipso's Avatar
    lewisipso is offline Injustice/Indifference/In God we trust
    Supporting Member Lvl 3
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    Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me

    We are who we choose to be.

    R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012


  3. #3
    KaiGywer's Avatar
    KaiGywer is offline *insert witty remark here*
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    Haha, I gotta give women credit for torturing themselves for us
    Alpha Phi Sigma Alum - Alpha Delta Chapter
    ΑΦΣ

  4. #4
    Big Al's Avatar
    Big Al is offline There is no place like home....
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    Maybe Gozzling could share some insight on this subject for all of us
    To be a good Law Enforcement Officer you MUST know the law!

  5. #5
    mfranklin01's Avatar
    mfranklin01 is offline its not vendication...its punishment
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    The things we put our women through.

  6. #6
    Cidp24's Avatar
    Cidp24 is offline Tempus Fugit
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    You beat me to it girl. I was about to post this and I found yours. You must have gotten the same Email from Watercop. I almost died laughing.
    *************************
    "It wouldn't take much for me to up and run...
    to another life somewhere in the sun."
    *************************
    "There's something inherently wrong with having to put on a bullet-proof vest and a gun to go to work."-(An old friend)


    Any statements or opinions given in my postings or profile do not reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employer or anyone else other than me. They are my personal opinions or statements only, thereby releasing my employer , any other entity, or any other person of any liability or involvement in anything posted under the username "Cidp24" on O/R.

  7. #7
    Piggybank Cop's Avatar
    Piggybank Cop is offline Nobody important.
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    Quote Originally Posted by mfranklin01 View Post
    The things we put our women through.
    And they think we're worth it.


    What a bunch of dumb bunnys.

    We are the thin blue line
    between you
    and all the money in the world.

    And no you can't have any.

 

 

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