* D A M N I T O L
*Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full

* E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
*Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

* ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
*Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

*P E P T O B I M B O
*Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

* D U M B E R O L
*When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

* F L I P I T O R
*Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

* M E N I C I L L I N
*Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

*Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

* J A C K A S S P I R I N
*Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

* A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
*A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

* N A G A M E N T
*When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.