Mitch Hedberg jokes

[rob84]

Some of you know who is is. Some have seen his jokes in my signature. Some have even asked me about his jokes, wondering who he was. This is for both Mitch fans, and those who just want a good laugh. Hopefully you all can enjoy this great comedian as much as I do. R.I.P Mitch!


I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens!

Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero?

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

[Cidp24]

Never heard of him but those are hilarious!

[Trojan 42]

I want the time I just spent reading all those, back!!

[rob84]

He's 100x funnier when you actually hear him tell the jokes. His voice, and the way he words things are hilarious!

[rob84]

I want the time I just spent reading all those, back!!

Didnt like em?

[Boner]

Mitch Rocks! Well, he did..... Now he's filed under "D".

[rob84]

Mitch Rocks! Well, he did..... Now he's filed under "D".

for dead , or donut, cause we all know what D means.

[MissMyCaprice]

I'm a big Mitch fan (or was), but if you're old enough, you know he was inspired by Lily Tomlin's one-woman show:

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
Lily Tomlin

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
Lily Tomlin

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
Lily Tomlin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.
Lily Tomlin

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.
Lily Tomlin

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Lily Tomlin

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
Lily Tomlin

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.
Lily Tomlin

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
Lily Tomlin

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
Lily Tomlin

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Lily Tomlin

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Lily Tomlin

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
Lily Tomlin

Remember we're all in this alone.
Lily Tomlin

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
Lily Tomlin

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
Lily Tomlin

The best mind-altering drug is the truth.
Lily Tomlin

[Andrewtx]

Yeah, Rob's completely right, it's his delivery and style that makes the difference.

[rob84]

I'm a big Mitch fan (or was), but if you're old enough, you know he was inspired by Lily Tomlin's one-woman show:

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
Lily Tomlin

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.
Lily Tomlin

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
Lily Tomlin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.
Lily Tomlin

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework.
Lily Tomlin

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Lily Tomlin

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
Lily Tomlin

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.
Lily Tomlin

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
Lily Tomlin

No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
Lily Tomlin

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Lily Tomlin

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Lily Tomlin

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
Lily Tomlin

Remember we're all in this alone.
Lily Tomlin

Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
Lily Tomlin

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
Lily Tomlin

The best mind-altering drug is the truth.
Lily Tomlin

Thanks for sharing! Im gonna go find some more, those are funny as hell. I can see how he was inspired.

[rob84]

Yeah, Rob's completely right, it's his delivery and style that makes the difference.

See, told ya

[BEK]

Here Ya Go http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IueXtzdC6kA