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Thread: The Difference
05-05-07, 10:12 AM #1
AKA: Hotdog, Gopher, Yound Warrior, Fresh Meat, Cherries. Technical Nomenclature: Wide Eyedicus Bushy Tailicus
1. Smiles incessantly at all the wrong times. Always assumes the Lieutenant is thrilled to see him. Expression on face is result of watching old Howdy Dowdy reruns.
2. Uniform so starched he can't bend at waist. Wears sufficient body armor to stop 105mm rounds. Holster is brand new and well oiled to allow quick drawing in mirrors.
3. Hairstyle: Neat and short. Can endure 60 mph winds.
4. Had eyes surgically enlarged during the academy to increase powers of observation. Must now sleep with eyes taped shut.
5. Shines whistle daily - loves to direct traffic.
6. Police badge numbers: 1550 or above.
7. Police helmet always nearby.
8. Matching silver pen and pencil set.
9. Salutes anyone with more seniority, including Explorer Scouts.
10. Carries touch-up paint to touch up nicks on PR-24.
11. Carries two or more sets of handcuffs, speedloaders, extra clips and extra shotgun shells.
12. Shotgun - never dirty, never dusty, never used! Cleaned daily.
13. Has yet to develop a sense of injustice.
14. Is thrilled to have his first full-time job. Can't believe someone gets paid for doing this.
15. Knows absolutely for sure he will never, ever, ever get divorced.
16. Carries a new Glock, a .380 back-up, and a .38 in an ankle holster on one leg, and a Gerber knife on the other.
17. Believes every word his FTO says is directly from God or the Chief.
18. Duffel bags contain: extra white out, all departmental policy books, complete set of criminal and traffic laws for the city, state and adjoining areas, riot gear, binoculars, backup flashlight, flex-cuffs, fingerprint kit, rain gear, shoe polish, brass polish, and a sack lunch.
19. Briefcase contains: Books like - "I'm OK, You're OK" (personally owned), "I'm OK, You're Scum" (borrowed from an FTO), "How to Marry Rich", "How to Fake
Experience", Video-taped episodes of Miami Vice, Stress card and an assortment of candy bars and bubblegum.
20. Can't wait to catch his first criminal.
AKA: Old Man, John Law, Older than Dirt, Sir (to you) Technical Nomenclature: Obeselardicus Uglus Protecticus
1. Never smiles - feels it would detract from his masculine demeanor, unless the Lieutenant accidentally walks into the door.
2. Lost one shirt button, but figures he'll be in the car most of the time so no one will notice.
3. Thinning hair due to stress of trying to adjust to:
a. increasing unclear distinction between "us" and "them".
b. arguments with increasing numbers of recruits who believe the Chief is God.
4. Handgun is proof stainless steel rusts. Survival holster needs repair.
5. Whistle - handed down from two generations by relatives who were on the force.
6. "Sergeant" - has gold badge and chevrons on everything. Been know to flash badge at church offerings.
7. Hat - worn to reinforce his "in control" image. Keeps receding hairline from showing and with full sideburns gives the appearance of a full head of hair.
8. Uses City issued Bic pens.
9. Sunglasses - always worn:
a. Suspect can't tell when he's being watched.
b. Lieutenant can't tell when he's catching a few winks for that extra job.
c. doesn't have to explain blood-shot eyes.
10. Doesn't believe in a PR-whatchamacallit. Still uses a baton wrapped with friction tape, prevents slipping during application of a "good old grand slammer."
11. Still has handcuff key. Cuffs last seen on spoiled child at family reunion. Veteran officer claims he lost the key.
12. Lost flashlight while sneaking up on "neckers."
13. Firmly believes all suspects are guilty or they would have not been arrested.
14. Likes his job but, has been counting the days to retirement for 15 years.
15. Arthritic condition from repeated wearing and removing wedding rings. Has been married numerous times, the exact number depends on whether you count the trip to Tijuana or not.
16. Pockets contain cigarettes bummed from rookie partner whom he suspects of being communist due to using hair spray instead of oil. Copenhagen Snuff maintained in case he's asked for a smoke, he can claim he switched to snuff.
17. Never asks questions - knows all the answers. Lucky rabbit foot always on his person, gives him courage to face another day riding with a rookie.
18. Wallet contains: one expired "AAA" card, one prescription for a 3 day supply of penicillin, membership card to Parents without Partners, and a photo of John Wayne.
19. Briefcase (in locker room) contains: Bottle of No-doze, checkbook and unpaid bills, and books such as "36 Ways to Call in Sick with Dignity" or "How to Beat the System" (10 hours pay for 5 hours work).
20. Walks slowly out of the office so if there are any report calls pending, the first one on the air will get them. Lets Rookies handle the paperwork, they need the practice. Rates assigned district by the number of restaurants which feed for free.
21. Remembers training the Chief or the Deputy Chief.
22. Loosens belt every hour to maintain circulation to the legs.
Capt. D. Larimore
NTISF Gang Unit
05-05-07, 10:48 AM #2
How true, how true."An Unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." Jeff Cooper
Some people are meant to be the police......Some people are meant to call the police!!!
"Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it and hell where they already have it."
" I believe that forgiving them (Terrorist) is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
General Norman Schwartzkopf
Not all Muslims are Terrorists, but all Terrorists are Muslim.
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05-05-07, 02:31 PM #3
Here he is, the "vet" illustrated.
"The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money."
- Alexis de Tocqueville, Democracy in America
Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind,
That from the nunnery
Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
To war and arms I fly. - Lovelace
The opinions expressed by this poster are wholly his own, and should never be construed to even remotely be in representation of his employer, its agencies or assigns. In fact, they probably fail to be in alignment with the opinions of any rational human being.
05-05-07, 02:34 PM #4
that is hilarious!!!!
Capt. D. Larimore
NTISF Gang Unit
05-16-07, 02:18 AM #5
what if you in between the two
"A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others."
The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented
on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
expecting trouble?" "No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
brought my rifle."
(just stole this one hope you don't mind)
05-16-07, 03:06 AM #6
you forgot one category...civilian who wants to know what a PR-24 is....
05-16-07, 03:30 AM #7Do not war for peace. If you must war, war for justice. For without justice there is no peace. -me
We are who we choose to be.
R.I.P. Arielle. 08/20/2010-09/16/2012
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