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  1. #21
    Terminator's Avatar
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    Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonder's latest CD?
    A: No? Well, neither has he!.


    Stevie Wonder is walking down the aisle of the supermarket, and he's swinging his cane about, knocking boxes off the shelves on the right, knocking boxes off the shelves on the left, knocking more boxes off the shelves on the right...
    ...and the store manager comes running up to see what's going on, carefully steps over all the boxes strewn everywhere, sees it's Stevie Wonder - so he says "Can I help you?".
    "No," says Stevie "I'm just looking".

  2. #22
    213th's Avatar
    213th is offline Solipsist
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    Why did the woman cross the road?
    Thats not the point, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?


    How is a washing machine different from a blonde?
    It doesn't follow you around for a week after you dump a load in it.
    He who has the money, signs the cheques.
    He who signs the cheques, makes the rules.
    He who makes the rules, has the power.
    He who has the power, has the money.

  3. #23
    Wise_undergrad_08's Avatar
    Wise_undergrad_08 is offline Master Officer
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    Q. What is the difference between a blond and a 747?

    A. Some men have never been inside a 747.


    Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a gernade at you?

    A. Pull the pin and throw it back.


    Q. What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?

    A. They both circle Uranus (Your anus) searching for Klingons. (Cling-ons)
    "A nation, as a society, forms a moral person, and every member of it is personally responsible for his society."

    -Thomas Jefferson, 1792


    Cotton candy don't get wet until it's in your mouth.

  4. #24
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    Wise_undergrad_08 is offline Master Officer
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    Quote Originally Posted by 213th
    Why did the woman cross the road?
    Thats not the point, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

    Whatever You're the one who cooks in our relationship, biotch. This place is looking horrible by the way. Make yourself useful and get down here so you can do some dusting. I'll go make us some money.
    "A nation, as a society, forms a moral person, and every member of it is personally responsible for his society."

    -Thomas Jefferson, 1792


    Cotton candy don't get wet until it's in your mouth.

  5. #25
    gomets11's Avatar
    gomets11 is offline mmmm Beer...
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    A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's got a car. When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'". Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

    There are 3 guys. A jew, mexican, and a black man. These 3 guys were in the middle of nowhere and were stranded with no way of transportation to get to town. Well, they thought of this idea to have one of them lay down in the middle of the road and figured a car would stop and they would have a ride. So, the jew went and laid in the road. A car came and thump thump, ran him right over. Ah man, it didn't work, but its gotta. You try it. The mexican went out on the road and a car came and thump thump, ran him right over. Dangn't, this is such a good idea, they gotta stop for a black man. So the black man went out on the road and car came. Thump thump, errrrrt, reerrrrrr thump thump, thump thump, thump thump.

    It is hard being black. We get the bad end of the deal with every sport. Hockey your slappin a black puck around. Pool you have a white ball trying to knock you in a hole. The only thing we have is bowling, where you have a black ball trying to knock down a bunch of rednecks.

    This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"
    Last edited by gomets11; 01-25-06 at 11:32 AM.

  6. #26
    Welpe's Avatar
    Welpe is offline Wannabe NFL Ref
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    Those last two....buhahahahahahahahah!
    "To the German commander: 'Nuts!' The American Commander" - General Tony McAuliffe, 101st Airborne Division

  7. #27
    keith720's Avatar
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    Why do deaf people masturbate with only one hand?

    So they can moan with the other one.

    After Michael Jackson's wife had their first baby, he asked the doctor, "How soon before we can have sex?"
    The doctor told him "6 to 8 weeks." "Gee," Said Michael, "I usually wait until they can at least walk on their own."
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  8. #28
    Cheech Guest
    Whats faster than a black guy running with a stolen tv?



    His brother with the VCR

  9. #29
    Cheech Guest
    What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
    Divorced

    A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

  10. #30
    Cheech Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by keith758
    Why do deaf people masturbate with only one hand?

    So they can moan with the other one.
    ."
    This is fucking great!

  11. #31
    MountainCop Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Lasvegasog

    This is fucking great!
    Well, you know how Helen Keller burned her fingers?

    Tried to read the waffle iron.


  12. #32
    Welpe's Avatar
    Welpe is offline Wannabe NFL Ref
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    Quote Originally Posted by MountainCop
    Well, you know how Helen Keller burned her fingers?

    Tried to read the waffle iron.

    I'd ask what that sounds like but we actually have a hearing impaired person on the forum so I won't be that crass.
    "To the German commander: 'Nuts!' The American Commander" - General Tony McAuliffe, 101st Airborne Division

  13. #33
    MountainCop Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Welpe
    I'd ask what that sounds like but we actually have a hearing impaired person on the forum so I won't be that crass.
    Ouch. My apologies...

  14. #34
    keith720's Avatar
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    How did Hellen Keller go nuts?

    She was trying to read a stucco wall.

    Why did her dog commit suicide?

    You would too if your name was hmphfp.
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  15. #35
    Cheech Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by keith758

    Why did her dog commit suicide?

    You would too if your name was hmphfp.
    GEesus. Thats a good one.


    This applies to me cause I have a huge schnozz, and im a messycan.

    WHy do mexicans have big noses?

    So they have something to pick in the off season.

  16. #36
    keith720's Avatar
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    Why do Mexicans have little stearing wheels on their cars?

    It's easier to steer wearing handcuffs.

    What did the Mexican get his kid for his birthday?

    My kids bike!

    By the way, I'm Danish!
    For the morning will come. Brightly will it shine on the brave and true, kindly upon all who suffer for the cause, glorious upon the tombs of heroes. Thus will shine the dawn.

    Winston Churchill

  17. #37
    Cheech Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by keith758
    Why do Mexicans have little stearing wheels on their cars?

    It's easier to steer wearing handcuffs.

    What did the Mexican get his kid for his birthday?

    My kids bike!

    By the way, I'm Danish!
    Asshole.. Haha.

    A black and a mexican are in a car whos driving?

    The police

    I can say that one too cause im half black from the waist down

  18. #38
    Pudge's Avatar
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    Not a joke, just a life lesson for some of you guys who will have children someday.

    Granted, we have a two year old already, but I must have had a stupid moment when it comes to things you DON'T say to your pregnant wife.

    True story:

    The other day my wife was complaining that her hips hurt, and I mean complaining all day about it. Now, I'm understanding...we men will never know what a woman's body goes through, but I digress, I'm stupid. So finally when I'm generally tired of hearing her bitch about it and say that it feels like her hips are spreading I respond with "Well hun, it makes sense, cuz you're ass seems to be getting bigger."

    I tell ya, I love that couch......
    "Like" us on facebook! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Offic...93147194083228

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  19. #39
    Cheech Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Mid_Ohio_Po
    Not a joke, just a life lesson for some of you guys who will have children someday.

    Granted, we have a two year old already, but I must have had a stupid moment when it comes to things you DON'T say to your pregnant wife.

    True story:

    The other day my wife was complaining that her hips hurt, and I mean complaining all day about it. Now, I'm understanding...we men will never know what a woman's body goes through, but I digress, I'm stupid. So finally when I'm generally tired of hearing her bitch about it and say that it feels like her hips are spreading I respond with "Well hun, it makes sense, cuz you're ass seems to be getting bigger."

    I tell ya, I love that couch......
    Yes, thats pretty bad. lol. Im taking notes.

  20. #40
    Pudge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lasvegasog
    Yes, thats pretty bad. lol. Im taking notes.

    And from the first pregnancy I learned that one shouldn't be eating something that she can't have while in the hospital room with her starting labor. I was munchin on a fine ass sammich from the burger joint down the street when her water broke...she tells me her water broke, my appetite obviously went by the wayside, and dumbass me responds...ohhhh damnit, I didn't finish my lunch.

    But I did get to have fun when I pulled out my digital tape recorder during labor and taped her screaming she was never having anymore kids. I USED to pull that one out and replay it when she started on me about wanting more....that obviously didn't work...LOL

    To all the armpit hair fem-nazis bitching about me now, deal with it...the wife loves me and my jackass sense of humor!
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