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Thread: A little Jewish humor
05-27-07, 09:45 AM #1
A little Jewish humor
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named After Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
Not sure if you non -jews will understand this one...
Jacob needs his tallis cleaned, so he takes it to the best dry-cleaners in the city, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners. They tell him to come back in a week. When he returns, they give him the tallis and an invoice for $50.
"Fifty dollars to clean just one small tallis?" Jacob says.
"No," replies Yu Feng, "Five dollars to clean the tallis, fourty five dollars to take out all those knots!"
The tallis is like a scarf, its white and has a bunch of strings knotted up.
OK, last one...
Growing up Jewish:
If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the following will invoke heartfelt memories, so read on.........
The Yiddish word for Today is PULKES (PUHL-kees) Translation: THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.
The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was:"Go! You might meet somebody!"
You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3 minutes.
Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.
Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli (called an "appetitizingstore") for whitefish salad, whitefish "chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast beef, cole slaw, potato sal ad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly off-limits until Sunday morning.
Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents and/or other relatives.
You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows which were always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha with bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz).
You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste like cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make yo u feel bad for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean. Kaynahurra .
You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish and English to you when you were a baby.
You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your spouse's ancestor.
Your grandparents' newly washed linoleum floor was covered with the NY Times, which your grandparents couldn't read.
You thought speaking loud was normal.
You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew School Free" card.
You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome snack.
You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants.
You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real"
bagels.) so true
Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if they were relatives.
You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League school.
And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.
Zei gezunt!!!A monday morning lunatic, disturbed from time to time. Temporary catatonic madman on occasion..
Lightning crashes a new mother cries, her placenta falls to the floor. The angel opens her eyes,the confusion sets in before the doctor can even close the door..
The views and comments of E-man are mine and mine alone and therefore might not reflect the views of others or people in my current department. As such since this is still America I can post what I want without fear of retribution. I think.
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