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  1. #1
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    Blondes have more fun :)

    On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie

    and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her

    new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

    When she asked him why he was, apparently, not going to make

    love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

    In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
    have ever heard of! Who did you lend it to ... and for how long?"

    DISCLAIMER: POKER WITHDRAWALS MADE ME DO IT

  2. #2
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    Blonde Detectives

    Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
    The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

    The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

    So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

    The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

    The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

    The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

    "Yes! He only has one ear!"

    The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

    The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

    The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

    The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

    The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  3. #3
    dapples's Avatar
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    ...the correct answer is all that matters...how you "got" there is secondary...smart lil blonde

  4. #4
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    Because I'm Blonde?

    A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

    "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

    "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  5. #5
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    Blonde joke war! Blonde Joke war!
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  6. #6
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    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

    The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

    The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

  7. #7
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    A Wild Horse Ride

    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

    In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

    The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  8. #8
    dapples's Avatar
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    Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

  9. #9
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    Sandman?
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  10. #10
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    Tossing The Coin

    A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

    During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

    "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "And as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers."
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  11. #11
    dapples's Avatar
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    A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

    The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

    The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

    She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

  12. #12
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    Sandman, Dapples is a lot faster, man. You are getting beat by a girl. A blonde girl. A southern blonde girl. A... well, you get the point and I want Dapples not to hate me, so I'll stop.
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  13. #13
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    A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
    "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  14. #14
    SANDMAN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conalabu View Post
    Sandman, Dapples is a lot faster, man. You are getting beat by a girl. A blonde girl. A southern blonde girl. A... well, you get the point and I want Dapples not to hate me, so I'll stop.
    I'll be quicker
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  15. #15
    dapples's Avatar
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    The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
    "Eleven," she replied.

    The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

    "Today and tomorrow."

    He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

    "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

    The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

    "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

    So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

  16. #16
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    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

    She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

    The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

    Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

    Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

    Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

    Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  17. #17
    dapples's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by conalabu View Post
    Sandman, Dapples is a lot faster, man. You are getting beat by a girl. A blonde girl. A southern blonde girl. A... well, you get the point and I want Dapples not to hate me, so I'll stop.
    WE may talk slow in the south but we dont think slow even our blondes

  18. #18
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    Here are some facts.

    Did You Hear About
    Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

    Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

    When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

    Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

    After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

  19. #19
    conalabu is offline Grasshopper
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    Quote Originally Posted by dapples View Post
    WE may talk slow in the south but we dont think slow even our blondes

    There are other things the blondes down here don't do slow.
    And Shepards we shall be,
    for thee, My Lord, for thee,
    Power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
    That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy Command.
    So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
    And teeming with souls will it ever be.
    In Nomine Patris, Et Filli, Et Spiritus Sancti.

  20. #20
    SANDMAN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dapples View Post
    WE may talk slow in the south but we dont think slow even our blondes
    Are those the Naturals or the dyed blondes. lol
    If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.

    Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to there level and beat you on experience.

 

 
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