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Thread: Blondes...

  1. #1
    Victor N TN Guest

    Blondes...

    Before you start on me, my wife, 1 daughter and 1 grad daughter are natural blondes.

    Victor


    Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
    movie?
    They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."


    *********************
    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
    her
    index finger shot off.
    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I
    was trying
    to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor.
    "You
    tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
    "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then
    I
    thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting
    myself in
    the chest."

    "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I
    thought, "I
    just paid $3,000.00 to
    get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

    "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going
    to
    make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled
    the
    trigger."


    *****************


    Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power
    outage,
    and three blondes were stuck on the escalator for more than four
    hours.


    *****************
    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
    hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
    decided to
    have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe
    really hard,
    and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on
    her
    hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.
    So she
    blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
    Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first
    blonde
    told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe
    in
    order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to
    roll up
    the windows first."


    ***************


    A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
    thermos. She
    was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the
    clerk to
    ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps
    hot things
    hot, and cold things cold."

    "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!" So
    she
    bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on
    her
    desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot
    things
    hot and cold things cold," she replied.
    Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
    The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee."


    ************


    AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
    sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
    The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
    my
    mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why
    don't you
    go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but
    I'd be
    better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better
    chance of
    doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work usual. A
    couple
    of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
    from his
    office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are
    you
    gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a
    horrible
    call from my sister. Her mother died, too."


    Save the earth; it's the only planet with chocolate.

  2. #2
    snuffy2202's Avatar
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    Another One

    A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.

    "235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

  3. #3
    snuffy2202's Avatar
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    Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

    A: Humpme Dumpme.

    Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

    A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?

    A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

    Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?

    A: Cause their balls show!

    Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?

    A: It's the only car name they can spell.

    Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

    A: Locking the car door.

  4. #4
    Tony's Avatar
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    My wife is blonde too . . . so . .

    A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

    The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

    The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

    She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

    <><><><><><>

    A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
    "What do you mean?" said the doctor.
    The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
    The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
    "Why yes," she said.
    "I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a broken finger."

    <><><><><><>

    Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

    "Easy, " she replied. "He only has one eye."

    The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

    "He only has one ear, " was her answer.

    "What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

    After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

    This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

    "Well, " she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"


    <><><><><><>

    One day a blonde and a brunette were walking down to the grocery store when the brunette pointed out to the blonde "oh, hey look at that dead bird.."

    The blonde looks around around up in the sky for a few minutes and says "hmm, I don't see any dead ones."

    <><><><><><>

    A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to
    kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
    grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
    note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I
    need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the
    big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
    She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him
    to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park
    to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
    as she had instructed.
    Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I
    cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

    <><><><><><>

    How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?

    Tell her a joke on Friday!


  5. #5
    Tony's Avatar
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    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
    The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

    CAR TROUBLE
    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, "What's the story?"
    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

    SPEEDING TICKET
    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

    RIVER WALK
    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

    KNITTING
    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashinglights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
    bullhorn and yelled! , "PULL OVER!"
    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    BLONDE ON THE SUN

    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
    The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
    The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

    IN A VACUUM
    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

    AND THE LAST LAME ONE

    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

    Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
    "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

 

 

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