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  1. #1
    Ducky's Avatar
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    The Art of Taking a Pee

    An Open Letter To The Woman Who Accidentally Walked Into The Guy's Restroom.

    Please donít feel bad, lady. It wasnít you entering the menís washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. Itís rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so Iíll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that menís penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. Iím telling Ďya those little buggers canít be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. Iím no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
    Now another thing us guys donít usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think Iím a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because itís a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. Itís the dreaded ďmorning woodĒ.
    Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you canít get that thing to bend, and if it donít bend you canít aim, well hell, if you canít aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
    And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the frigginí toilet seat wonít stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
    Now sometimes, when youíre newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
    So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, itís just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told herÖ look, it wonít bend. She said, ďsit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.Ē OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with ďmorning woodĒ. Well itís is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
    I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but itís the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. Itís not our fault, itís just Mother Nature.
    Now, if it was Father Nature,Ö there wouldnít have been a problem! ÖÖÖ..~Author Unknown~
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    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
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  2. #2
    Terminator's Avatar
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    I find this to have some pretty factual basis, at least for me. I have a bad habit of peeing all over the place when I go...my clothes, the floor, the toilet lid, my legs and feet...etc.

    I think it's funny to piss on the outside of my pants and then tell people about it, and show them the piss stain.

  3. #3
    Illiy is offline Corporal
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    Quote Originally Posted by Terminator View Post
    I find this to have some pretty factual basis, at least for me. I have a bad habit of peeing all over the place when I go...my clothes, the floor, the toilet lid, my legs and feet...etc.

    I think it's funny to piss on the outside of my pants and then tell people about it, and show them the piss stain.
    Jrae is a lucky girl

  4. #4
    BEB
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    If I ever get a chance to build my house from scratch it'll have a live tree in the bathroom.

  5. #5
    tapout's Avatar
    tapout is offline keepin it gangsta'
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    the worst is the pee right after you just had sex...you get 2 streams going in opposite directions, one's hitting the floor in that spot that rarely ever gets cleaned between the toilet and the sink (you know, where you keep the cleaning agents and the plunger), while the others covering the shower curtain, and nothings hitting the inside of the bowl...its a complete show
    in the warriors code there's no surrender, though his body says stop, his spirit cries...NEVER. deep in our souls, a quiet ember, knows its you against you, its the paradox that drives us all. its a battle of wills, in the heat of attack, its the passion that kills, and victory is yours alone.


    the posts and opinions stated by me do not in any way reflect the values, beliefs, or views of my department. they are simply opinions and/or observations which have been developed through my personal experiences. hell, most of the stories probably arent even true...wink wink

  6. #6
    Terminator's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tapout View Post
    the worst is the pee right after you just had sex...you get 2 streams going in opposite directions, one's hitting the floor in that spot that rarely ever gets cleaned between the toilet and the sink (you know, where you keep the cleaning agents and the plunger), while the others covering the shower curtain, and nothings hitting the inside of the bowl...its a complete show
    hell yeah, that is the worst, bro. That happens to me all the time. it's either sit down on the toilet and pee, or spray all over the place.

  7. #7
    Ducky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tapout View Post
    the worst is the pee right after you just had sex...you get 2 streams going in opposite directions, one's hitting the floor in that spot that rarely ever gets cleaned between the toilet and the sink (you know, where you keep the cleaning agents and the plunger), while the others covering the shower curtain, and nothings hitting the inside of the bowl...its a complete show
    Quote Originally Posted by Terminator View Post
    hell yeah, that is the worst, bro. That happens to me all the time. it's either sit down on the toilet and pee, or spray all over the place.
    I used to think split stream was a myth. Then I got corrected by no fewer than three guys in a single conversation.

    I'll never, EVER have a horseshoe rug in front of my toilet. You never know when it's bathwater or something less happy down there.
    \\
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q


 

 

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