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Thread: Lizard Births
09-07-07, 10:19 PM #1
If you have kids (or been one), and have gone through the petsyndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will have you laughing out LOUD!
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of his lizards he holds prisoner in his room.Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's why:
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I 'm serious dad, can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'Come look at the lizard!'
'Oh my Gosh,' my wife diagosed after a minute. 'She's having babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
'You were supposed to buy two boy lizards!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
By now the rest of the family had gather to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wonderous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.
'Well isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to making much progress,' I noted.
'Its breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
'Should we call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' 'Nope, let's take Ernie to the vet,'
I said grimly thinking of the cost of a Lizard breech birth. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. This was going to be bad, or expensive, or both.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor.You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...um... masterbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.'
We were silent, absorbing this. So Ernie's just excited,' my wife offered, 'Exactly', the vet replied.
More silence.Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle and giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded.
Tears were now running down her face... 'It's just..that..I'm picturing you pulling on its teeny little...' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. With my wife in hysterics, we thanked the Vet,paid the bill (to be told our lizard was masterbating!) and started for home.
I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done,Dad,' my son said.
'Oh, you have NO idea!' Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collasping with laughter.
2- Lizards- $140...
Trip to the Vet...$30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...
Moral of the story:
Finish biology class- LIZARDS LAY EGGS!
09-07-07, 11:25 PM #2
09-07-07, 11:35 PM #3
your wife isn't the only one laughing hysterically!
In Calif, you'd have to register as a PC 290 Sex Registrant for having committed a lewd act in public... bwahahahahahaha
Searching for Evil and the Perfect donut (Love that book)
"It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you"
There are gains for all our losses
There are balms for all our pain
But, when youth, the dream, departs
It takes something from our hearts
And it never comes again
"Captain, it is I Ensign Pulver. I just threw your damn palm tree overboard. Now, what's all this crap about no movie tonight?" -Ens Pulver in Mister Roberts
The man who will go where his colors go, without asking who will fight a phantom foe in the jungle and mountain range, without counting, and who will suffer and die in the midst of incredible hardship, without complaint, is still what he has always been, from Imperial Rome to sceptered Britain to democratic America. He is the stuff of which legions are made. ...His pride is in his colors and his regiment, his training hard and thorough and coldly realistic, to fit him for what he must face...and his obedience is to his orders. He has been called United State Marine.
T.R. Fehrenbach, This Kind of War
09-07-07, 11:40 PM #4
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