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  1. #1
    Pedro56's Avatar
    Pedro56 is offline Englewood Ranger/Infidel Extraordinaire
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    Questions of the Attorney

    These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ______________________________ _______


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?



    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



    ______________________________ ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?



    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?



    WITNESS: Yes.



    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?



    WITNESS: I forget.



    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



    ______________________________ _______


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?



    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'



    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?



    WITNESS: My name is Susan!



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?



    WITNESS: We both do.



    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?



    WITNESS: We do.



    ATTORNEY: You do?



    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



    ______________________________ ______


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?



    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.



    ______________________________ __________


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?



    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?



    WITNESS: Yes.



    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?



    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?



    WITNESS: Yes.



    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?



    WITNESS: None.



    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?



    WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ______________________________ ________



    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?



    WITNESS: By death.



    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?



    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?



    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.



    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?



    WITNESS: Guess.



    ______________________________ _______


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?



    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?



    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?



    WITNESS: Oral.



    ______________________________ ________


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?



    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.



    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?



    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!



    ______________________________ ______________


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?



    ______________________________ ________


    --- And the best for last: ---


    ATTORNEY: Doctor , before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?



    WITNESS: No.



    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?



    WITNESS: No.



    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?



    WITNESS: No.



    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?



    WITNESS: No.



    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?



    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.



    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?



    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    http://www.lawenforcementforums.com/forums/signaturepics/sigpic763_2.gif

    "I am the guy that keeps Mister Dead in his pocket." -'Mad' Max Rockatansky

    "An Englewood Ranger is no stranger to Danger.." -Unk

    Good Night Chesty Where Ever You Are.

    A Good Friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying, "That was Awesome."

    God Made Police Men so Fireman Would Have Heroes.

  2. #2
    Pudge's Avatar
    Pudge is online now Site Admin
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    Oldie but goodie!! I crack up every time I read that.
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  3. #3
    kjlaw's Avatar
    kjlaw is offline Swamp Mafia Proud!!!
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    That is Great.
    Lead from the front and always remember those who came first.



    Capt. Ocativo "OX" Gonzalez
    EOW 6/16/06


    Always remember that a casket is hotter than your vest.

    Quote Originally Posted by conalabu View Post
    Soon the whole world will be in the hands of the Swamp Mafia.

 

 

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