Welcome to the APBWeb.
Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Curt581 is offline Whatever
    Verified LEO
    Join Date
    12-04-05
    Posts
    320
    Rep Power
    1125143

    How To: An Oil Change

    OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:

    1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
    3000-miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.

    3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a
    well-maintained vehicle.

    MONEY SPENT :

    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $ 1.00
    TOTAL: $21.00


    OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS for MEN:

    1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
    buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
    tree; write check for $50.

    2) Stop at Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a
    check for $20.00, drive home.

    3) Drink a beer to get started.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack
    stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, have another beer.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Accidently drop drain plug into pan of hot oil,
    splashing hot oil on you in process.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of
    face and arms. Throw kitty litter on oil drops.

    13) Another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
    through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
    splashing hot oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
    filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
    Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
    door opener.

    18) Sunday: Skip church to finish the oil change. Drag
    pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
    in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid
    environmental fee.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.

    21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.

    22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a
    thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in
    the backyard -- along with drain plug.

    27) Have a Beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for
    drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox
    to cleverly conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee.
    Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

    29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the
    floor. Throw kitty litter on oil.

    30) Have a Beer.

    31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes.
    Wipe eyes with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
    crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
    edge of frame.

    32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to
    step 31.

    33) Cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.

    36) Have a Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to
    stop blood flow.

    38) Have Beer to stop pain....

    39) ...Ditto.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Have a Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor
    oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh
    oil from steps 23 & 43.

    45) Have Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.

    48) Car towed and impounded

    49) Call buddy; make bail.

    50) 12-hours later; bail out car.

    MONEY SPENT :
    Parts $ 50.00
    DUI $2,500.00
    Towing Fee $ 175.00
    Impound Fee $ 75.00
    Bail $1,500.00
    Beer $ 40.00
    TOTAL: $4,340.00

    BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!!

  2. #2
    Wise_undergrad_08's Avatar
    Wise_undergrad_08 is offline Master Officer
    Join Date
    12-31-05
    Location
    SW Virginia
    Posts
    262
    Rep Power
    284164
    HAHAHAHA! Men
    "A nation, as a society, forms a moral person, and every member of it is personally responsible for his society."

    -Thomas Jefferson, 1792


    Cotton candy don't get wet until it's in your mouth.

  3. #3
    jmur5074's Avatar
    jmur5074 is offline Moderator
    Premium Lifetime Member
    Verified LEO
    Site Moderator
    Join Date
    12-04-05
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    9,051
    Rep Power
    6232623
    That's a bunch of BS.....


    Ok, not really
    No one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13

    "The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".

    We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
    The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.

  4. #4
    kdm0409's Avatar
    kdm0409 is offline ^ Female Deputy
    Join Date
    01-02-06
    Location
    Mid TN
    Posts
    930
    Rep Power
    643225
    hey I change my oil... doesn't cost me that much, of course I am woman hear me roar!!! lol
    It is better to be tried by 12, than carried by 6.
    ______________________________ __________
    An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.
    ______________________________ __________
    In vino veritas!

 

 

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Climate change shifts sheep shape
    By BEB in forum In the News
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 03-18-07, 09:49 AM
  2. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 03-10-07, 02:36 AM
  3. Light Bulb Jokes
    By Willowdared in forum Shenanigans
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 02-09-07, 08:02 AM
  4. New Game...What would you change?
    By jrae in forum Shenanigans
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 02-06-07, 09:47 PM
  5. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 12-02-06, 08:02 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •