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Thread: How To: An Oil Change
02-02-06, 08:26 PM #1WhateverVerified LEO
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How To: An Oil Change
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000-miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.
3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a
MONEY SPENT :
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS for MEN:
1)Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and
buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented
tree; write check for $50.
2) Stop at Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a
check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to get started.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidently drop drain plug into pan of hot oil,
splashing hot oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of
face and arms. Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing hot oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
18) Sunday: Skip church to finish the oil change. Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in
the backyard -- along with drain plug.
27) Have a Beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for
drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox
to cleverly conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee.
Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil.
30) Have a Beer.
31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes.
Wipe eyes with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
edge of frame.
32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to
33) Cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
36) Have a Beer.
37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to
stop blood flow.
38) Have Beer to stop pain....
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Have a Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh
oil from steps 23 & 43.
45) Have Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
48) Car towed and impounded
49) Call buddy; make bail.
50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
MONEY SPENT :
Parts $ 50.00
Towing Fee $ 175.00
Impound Fee $ 75.00
Beer $ 40.00
BUT, YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!!
02-02-06, 08:30 PM #2
HAHAHAHA! Men"A nation, as a society, forms a moral person, and every member of it is personally responsible for his society."
-Thomas Jefferson, 1792
Cotton candy don't get wet until it's in your mouth.
02-02-06, 09:04 PM #3
That's a bunch of BS.....
Ok, not reallyNo one has greater love than this, to lay down ones life for ones friends - John 15:13
"The Wicked Flee When No Man Pursueth: But The Righteous Are Bold As A Lion".
We lucky few, we band of brothers. For he who today sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~The opinions, beliefs, and ideas expressed in this post are mine, and mine alone. They are NOT the opinions, beliefs, ideas, or policies of my Agency, Police Chief, City Council, or any member of my department.
02-02-06, 09:05 PM #4
hey I change my oil... doesn't cost me that much, of course I am woman hear me roar!!! lolIt is better to be tried by 12, than carried by 6.
An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break.
In vino veritas!
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