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Thread: Chuck Norris Joke Thread
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11-17-07, 01:05 PM #1
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Chuck Norris Joke Thread
Post'em up.
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
"When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat
"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway
The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com
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11-17-07, 01:15 PM #2
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Chuck Norris does not do push UPS, he just pushes the world down
500 fights, that's the number I figured when I was a kid. 500 street fights and you could consider yourself a legitimate tough guy. You need them for experience. To develop leather skin. So I got started. Of course along the way you stop thinking about being tough and all that. It stops being the point. You get past the silliness of it all. But then, after, you realize that's what you are.
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11-17-07, 02:30 PM #3
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Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
" The hardest thing about disarming an armed suspect is not slipping on your own shit "
Michael P. Gordon E.O.W 08 Aug 2004
The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such.
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11-17-07, 09:08 PM #4
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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.
The views expressed in the above post are the sole opinion of the author and do not reflect any official position by the author's employer and/or municipality.
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11-17-07, 09:37 PM #5
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Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
And finally...
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep."If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton
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11-17-07, 09:48 PM #6
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Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity... twice.
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11-17-07, 10:00 PM #7
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All of you people making fun of Mr. Norris are allready dead. It was nice knowing you.
dlefdal said:
Ummmm, what if I don't like thumbs in my butt?
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11-18-07, 02:45 PM #8
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While we're at it, might as well post a couple of videos:
Chuck reading some of his favorites.
Will it Blend?: Chuck Norris."If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton
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11-18-07, 09:52 PM #9
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Originally Posted by Rhino
Everyone except Chuck Norris laughed their ass off.
Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
"When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat
"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway
The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com
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11-18-07, 11:30 PM #10
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I've talked to a couple of fellow Martial Arts enthusiasts who say they have met Chuck Norris, and from what I'm told, he's probably one of the most humble guys you'll ever meet. Which is why I think the Chuck Norris facts are hilarious.
"If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton
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11-19-07, 11:06 AM #11
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Chuck Norris went on vacation to The Virgin Islands. Now they are just... The Islands.
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02-01-08, 01:28 AM #12
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* go to google.com
* type in "find Chuck Norris"
* click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.
Do it. Now.There are only two kinds of real justice left: street and poetic...
Canada, huh? Almost made it...
*DISCLAIMER*The opinions expressed here are my own delusions. My employer administraton would at best shake their heads and sigh; or at worst severely repudiate the content of these posts, should it ever manage to appear on their radar.
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02-01-08, 02:09 AM #13
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oh that was great!!!!! Originally Posted by Rhino
chuck norris doesnt have a chin under his beard, he has another fist.
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02-01-08, 02:11 AM #14
CAT: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
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lol in the maddox book: alphabet of manliness.. he has a whole chapter on chuck norris pretty funny stuff
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02-01-08, 11:22 PM #15
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Yawn............I taught him everything.
September 11, 2001 - All gave some, some gave all. Never forget -- Never forgive.......... RIP Brothers and Sisters.
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02-02-08, 12:09 AM #16
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Chuck Norris has the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
Chuck norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in back of the head.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When you open a can of Whoop Ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. - Lance Armstrong
http://myspace.com/jnalivestrong
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02-02-08, 03:49 AM #17
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Chuck Norris hearts Huckabee!
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02-02-08, 04:33 AM #18
It's the PoPo
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That's awesome! Originally Posted by OffDuty
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02-02-08, 05:17 AM #19
Please dont check the trunk...
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Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
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02-02-08, 07:15 PM #20
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hahahaha LMFAO!!!! Originally Posted by Coloradocop
dulce et decorum est pro patria mori
Originally Posted by Resident Smart Ass
___ ___ ___{o,o} {-.-} {0,0}|)__) |)_(| (__(|-"-"- -"-"- -"-"-O RLY?? YA RLY NO WAI!!!!
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