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  1. #1
    Five-0's Avatar
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    Chuck Norris Joke Thread

    Post'em up.

    One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  2. #2
    Doc_Holliday's Avatar
    Doc_Holliday is offline California Dreaming...
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    Chuck Norris does not do push UPS, he just pushes the world down
    500 fights, that's the number I figured when I was a kid. 500 street fights and you could consider yourself a legitimate tough guy. You need them for experience. To develop leather skin. So I got started. Of course along the way you stop thinking about being tough and all that. It stops being the point. You get past the silliness of it all. But then, after, you realize that's what you are.


  3. #3
    bird1's Avatar
    bird1 is offline Corporal
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    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
    " The hardest thing about disarming an armed suspect is not slipping on your own shit "

    Michael P. Gordon E.O.W 08 Aug 2004




    The opinions given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS and I accept sole responsibility as such.

  4. #4
    gopherpuckfan's Avatar
    gopherpuckfan is offline I'm from the government and I'm here to help
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    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he has never cried.
    The views expressed in the above post are the sole opinion of the author and do not reflect any official position by the author's employer and/or municipality.

  5. #5
    Rhino's Avatar
    Rhino is offline Meat-eater & Fire-breather
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    Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

    Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

    Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

    Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

    If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

    On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

    Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

    Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

    Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

    If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

    Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

    Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

    The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

    Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

    Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

    Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

    The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

    Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

    M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

    And finally...

    Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.
    "If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton

  6. #6
    Evans's Avatar
    Evans is offline Term # 2
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    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

    Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris has counted to infinity... twice.

  7. #7
    Norm357's Avatar
    Norm357 is offline Corporal
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    All of you people making fun of Mr. Norris are allready dead. It was nice knowing you.
    dlefdal said:
    Ummmm, what if I don't like thumbs in my butt?

  8. #8
    Rhino's Avatar
    Rhino is offline Meat-eater & Fire-breather
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    While we're at it, might as well post a couple of videos:

    Chuck reading some of his favorites.

    Will it Blend?: Chuck Norris.
    "If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton

  9. #9
    Five-0's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhino View Post
    While we're at it, might as well post a couple of videos:

    Chuck reading some of his favorites.

    Will it Blend?: Chuck Norris.

    Everyone except Chuck Norris laughed their ass off.

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  10. #10
    Rhino's Avatar
    Rhino is offline Meat-eater & Fire-breather
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    I've talked to a couple of fellow Martial Arts enthusiasts who say they have met Chuck Norris, and from what I'm told, he's probably one of the most humble guys you'll ever meet. Which is why I think the Chuck Norris facts are hilarious.
    "If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn't thinking." -Gen. George S. Patton

  11. #11
    The Link is offline Rookie
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    Chuck Norris went on vacation to The Virgin Islands. Now they are just... The Islands.

  12. #12
    OffDuty's Avatar
    OffDuty is offline The Shotgun is Family.
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    * go to google.com
    * type in "find Chuck Norris"
    * click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

    Do it. Now.
    There are only two kinds of real justice left: street and poetic...


    Canada, huh? Almost made it...

    *DISCLAIMER*The opinions expressed here are my own delusions. My employer administraton would at best shake their heads and sigh; or at worst severely repudiate the content of these posts, should it ever manage to appear on their radar.

  13. #13
    JAYBIRD33081's Avatar
    JAYBIRD33081 is offline CAT: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhino View Post
    While we're at it, might as well post a couple of videos:

    Chuck reading some of his favorites.

    Will it Blend?: Chuck Norris.
    oh that was great!!!!!

    chuck norris doesnt have a chin under his beard, he has another fist.

  14. #14
    JAYBIRD33081's Avatar
    JAYBIRD33081 is offline CAT: THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
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    lol in the maddox book: alphabet of manliness.. he has a whole chapter on chuck norris pretty funny stuff

  15. #15
    So Fla Cop's Avatar
    So Fla Cop is offline Trunk Monkey Supporter
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    Yawn............I taught him everything.
    September 11, 2001 - All gave some, some gave all. Never forget -- Never forgive.......... RIP Brothers and Sisters.

  16. #16
    jnalivestrong's Avatar
    jnalivestrong is offline Swamp Mafia
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    Chuck Norris has the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

    Chuck norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in back of the head.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    When you open a can of Whoop Ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
    Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. - Lance Armstrong


    http://myspace.com/jnalivestrong

  17. #17
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    Chuck Norris hearts Huckabee!


  18. #18
    Coloradocop's Avatar
    Coloradocop is offline It's the PoPo
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    Quote Originally Posted by OffDuty View Post
    * go to google.com
    * type in "find Chuck Norris"
    * click the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

    Do it. Now.
    That's awesome!

  19. #19
    Shoestring's Avatar
    Shoestring is offline Please dont check the trunk...
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    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

  20. #20
    Lazy Fed's Avatar
    Lazy Fed is offline Curmudgeon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coloradocop View Post
    That's awesome!
    hahahaha LMFAO!!!!
    dulce et decorum est pro patria mori


    Quote Originally Posted by Resident Smart Ass
    Life is to short not to experience Lazy Fed
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    O RLY?? YA RLY NO WAI!!!!

    The incoherent statements given in my posts DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency or any other person for that matter. They are MY PERSONAL DELUSIONAL FANTASIES and I accept sole responsibility as such as I am either drunk or stressed out of my mind.

 

 
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