i was searching for one to post here, and ran across a website with a bunch of great ones. here goes nothin!

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

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Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.
"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
"A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."
"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

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An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar.
A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure."
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."

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Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat
"We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor?
Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave."
Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.
But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"

-----------

An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.

The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.

The Scott took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.

The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled
"SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD!" "SPIT IT OUT!"