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  1. #1
    mavriktu's Avatar
    mavriktu is offline Patrol Sgt.
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    Think before speaking

    Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
    the last one is great!
    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
    immediately take the words back...
    or that you could crawl into a hole?
    Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

    FIRST TESTIMONY:
    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
    and asked loudly,
    'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
    I turned around and walked back out and never went back
    My husband didn't say a word...
    he knew better.

    SECOND TESTIMONY:
    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
    I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
    After browsing for several minutes,
    I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
    He asked if he could help me.
    Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

    THIRD TESTIMONY:
    My sister and I were at the mall and
    passed by a store that sold a
    variety of candy and nuts.
    As we were looking at the display case,
    the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
    I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
    My sister started to laugh hysterically.
    The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
    To this day,
    my sister has never let me forget.

    FOURTH TESTIMONY :
    While in line at the bank one afternoon,
    my toddler decided to release
    some pent-up energy and ran amok.
    I was finally able to grab hold of
    her after receiving looks of disgust
    and annoyance from other patrons.
    I told her that if she did not start behaving
    'right now' she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
    'If you don't let me go right now,
    I will tell Grandma that I saw you
    kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
    The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
    Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
    I mustered up the last of my dignity and
    walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
    The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

    FIFTH TESTIMONY:
    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
    One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
    It was very busy, with a full dining room.
    While enjoying my taco,
    I smelled something funny,
    so of course I checked
    my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
    The realized that Danny
    had not asked to go potty in a while.
    I asked him if he needed to go,
    and he said 'No.'
    I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
    Then I said,
    'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
    'No,' he replied.
    I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
    Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
    bent over, spread his cheeks
    and yelled
    'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
    he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
    An old couple made me feel better,
    thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

    LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
    This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
    and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
    in the future, likely think be fore she speaks.
    What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
    We had a female news anchor that,
    the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
    turned to the weatherman and asked:
    'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
    Not only did HE have to leave the set,
    but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

  2. #2
    iso607's Avatar
    iso607 is offline Sergeant
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  3. #3
    gozling's Avatar
    gozling is offline the gene pool could use a little chlorine
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    LMAO
    http://www.allpoetry.com/Grunts%20Girl

    We dallied under
    Vine maples and sapling alders
    Searched for lady slippers
    But instead
    Found blackberry riots and
    Desiccated branches

    An old skid road
    Brought ghost ferns and
    Hollows filled with
    Skunk cabbage
    While waves wrapped
    Intricate lacings of weeds
    'Round mule spinners

    His cyanotic eyes
    Were hard enough to make
    The sun turn tail and
    Tender enough to attract me
    To his world of illusion

  4. #4
    Five-0's Avatar
    Five-0 is offline Super Moderator
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    hmph....women say the funniest things when they aren't thinking

    Meanwhile, fishing in Russia:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkzV5AIK8iM
    "When plunder becomes a way of life for a group of men living together in society, they create for themselves in the course of time a legal system that authorizes it and a moral code that justifies it." -- Frederic Bastiat

    "Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter." Ernest Hemingway

    The opinions given in my signatures & threads DO NOT reflect the opinions, views, policies, and/or procedures of my employing agency. They are my personal opinions only, thereby releasing my agency of any liability, or involvement in anything posted under the username "Five-0" on Officerresource.com

  5. #5
    mavriktu's Avatar
    mavriktu is offline Patrol Sgt.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    hmph....women say the funniest things when they aren't thinking
    You can run ,but you cant hideThink you may be in trouble.Better you than me.

  6. #6
    hush29's Avatar
    hush29 is offline Corporal
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    LOL
    It's better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

  7. #7
    Terminator's Avatar
    Terminator is offline BANNED
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    Those were good, and the "thinking before you speak" thing is so true. I need to work on that myself.

  8. #8
    Jenna's Avatar
    Jenna is offline sheep
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    This is why I'm glad it's possible to edit and delete one's own posts on LEF.

  9. #9
    Trojan 42's Avatar
    Trojan 42 is offline Retired Ninja
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    Quote Originally Posted by Five-0 View Post
    hmph....women say the funniest things when they aren't thinking
    Now that is Funny. Women and thinking. Oh good one.

    Now that's an example of an oxymoron children everywhere could learn.*








    *N.B. This post is for comedic effect only and is not meant as an insult to any woman living or dead, as we all know they think all the time. e.g. What shall I make for dinner tonight. Do these shoes go with this handbag. Does the dress make my bum look big. etc. etc.
    To be born an Englishman, is to be a winner in the Lottery of Life.



    I've Talked the Talk and I've Walked the Walk, now I Sit the Sit!

    It's not until you look at an Ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day, that you realise just how often they burst into flames for no reason!

 

 

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