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Thread: Loveable Louise

  1. #1
    Ducky's Avatar
    Ducky is offline Enforcer General
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    Loveable Louise

    As a joke, my brother, Jay, used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his
    fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
    fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
    true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
    were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
    and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
    things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

    If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
    confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does
    this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it
    to the Inflatable doll section.

    I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
    substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
    during rush hour.

    Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different
    models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
    things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
    Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
    Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Lovable
    Louise came to life.

    My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
    morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
    dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
    some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
    tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
    house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
    dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
    bark some more.

    We all agreed that Lovable Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the
    rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
    traditional Christmas dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What
    the Hell is that?" she asked.

    My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

    "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

    I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

    "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

    "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into
    the dining room.

    But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

    Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
    one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
    Granny, hang on!"

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
    me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

    I told him she was Jay's friend.

    A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
    Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
    this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
    who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
    noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
    from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
    front of the sofa.

    The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
    Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
    mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
    wet his pants.

    Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

    Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
    decide the cause of Lovable Louise's collapse. We discovered that
    Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

    Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
    to perfect health. The same cannot be said of Grandpa or Grandma.
    ` ` ` ` < ` )___/\
    `` ` ` ` (3--(____)
    "...but to forget your duck, of course, means you're really screwed." - Gary Larson

  2. #2
    armsmaster270's Avatar
    armsmaster270 is offline Ret. Sac. P.D. - 270th M.P. Co., Now with D.H.S.
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    Oh my god! I almost habd a stroke laughing. I could actually picture the whole thing. I think I need professional help.

    Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer. --Al Bundy


  3. #3
    Cross240 is offline Temporarily Civilianized
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    There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. -- Ernest Hemingway

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    Illiy is offline Corporal
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